MAKE CLEVELAND STEAMER FAST

Oh my god, I so wanted to review this:

It's an amish romance. Seriously, what? That's amazing! But it's like 45 pages, and I think the novelty will wear off after like one page. Still, I'm really curious. I also wanted to do one from the "Cowboy Cassanova" series, which was listed right after this. Haha that just seems like an oxymoron to me.

But, I decided to go with MAKE ******* FAST by Delta. I don't think that's his real name for some reason. What the hell, Amazon, why are you flooding me with erotica suggestions this week? Anyway, I chose it because I assume the title means "MAKE FUCK FAST" which made me giggle. 

(Link)

Description:

"A very short story -- 2400 words/8pages -- about what could go wrong when implementing what seemed a brilliant idea at the time. This work is a parody(?) of the old 'MAKE MONEY FAST' pyramid schemes that abounded during the early days of the USENET newsgroups.

This book contains graphic scenes of sex and is intended for an ADULT audience only. All characters are 19 years of age or older."

Alright so basically this guy and this girl write an ad which is a spoof of a pyramid scheme where you have sex with all the people on the list of the opposite sex, then cross off the top name on the list and add your own name to the bottom. Wait...that's not how a pyramid scheme works? Wouldn't a pyramid scheme of sex just be like a bunch of people on the bottom passing up small amounts of sex to one person at the top? Like....bees? Not like sex with bees, but like the way that...nah just forget it... Or just an orgy in a pyramid-shaped pile or something?

Anyway, the original two people that started the scheme end up having waaay too much sex, and some lady starts reviewing the quality of their sex, which leads the guy to get a great rating to his dismay because it will mean entirely too much more sex. Then there is a (literally) painful sex scene and the story ends.

Sex.

Ratings:

Wildly Over the Toppedly Usedly Adverbs...ly: 5 out of 5. This guy fucking loves jamming adverbs anywhere. Seriously, he makes shit into adverbs that I did not know could possibly be adverbs. Normally at this point I would make up a mock sentence to make fun of it, but I'll just dig up a few examples:

First there are the rapid-fire examples, like "They both needed it, she figured correctly. Walking, she thought tiredly..." Seriously, there is another less shitty way to avoid both of those, or just use one, cause you just fucking used one and it's enough!

Then there are the completely unnecessary words that I don't think this author even understands, like, "Impassively, Gerry watched Ellen undress." Of course he did it impassively, that's what watched fucking MEANS, especially when you're doing it on a woman. Like here's a quick demonstration. If you see a kid masturbate, it's totally passive and probably a mistake. But if you watch a kid masturbate, you're going to prison. Get the difference? 

Then there is the one that fucking takes the cake: "docilely" He actually fucking used the word docilely. What the fuck? That is only a word by loophole! How the fuck can that even come into your mind!?

Number of Edits Made Since the 1990s: 0 out of 5. This guy proudly pronounces that he wrote this shitty "erotica" back in the 90's, hence the USENET reference, which is SO FUCKING RELEVANT TO OUR TIMES SHUT UP. But the thing is he didn't fucking edit it since then. At all. There are still tons of sentences which he changed halfway through writing them so they make no goddamn sense. "Gerry looked at her and it came to his 'I would like to buy a 56k modem' he thought amazedly." And while we're on the subject, who the fuck writes an afterword for a short story? Just tell the story in the story? If you have to explain it, it isn't very good?

Number of Fucks Made Fast/Number of boners: 1 out of 5. There was some sex, but it was really brief and the lady was in pain and all dismayed at getting herself into a fuck club. Basically, it is the least horny I have ever been ever. Even worse than the zombie erotica. And I understand that it's supposed to be satire of shit that happened like two decades ago, but then why have an explicit sex scene? Why go in all half-cocked (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) and then change your mind and pull out (I DID IT AGAIN) early? Also, the characters names are Gerry and Ellen. Okay, obviously Gerry is a fucking horribly feeble attempt at making a fictional name, but first of all this isn't fucking fantasy so just use a normally name. How about the fucking name you wanted to use--Jerry? What the fuck is Gerry? You mean Gary? So I decided it was supposed to be Jerry, but then I was like, "But wait the lady's name is normal." But no, look at it, it's supposed to be Elaine. This guy fucking thought of an erotica satire, and it was the 90's, so in his head it was Seinfeld. Think about that. That feeling is called what-the-fuck-funny, my friend. Or maybe pity-funny. Sad-funny?

Overall: 1 out of 5. This story was just pretty shitty. Honestly, though, I can't shake the feeling that it would make a great episode of Seinfeld.




If you would like to read my Seinfeld fanfiction, go to: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.



And yes, of course it is all erotica.

Interspecieserotophina

This week I read Serephina by Angie Merriam.

(Link)

Description:

"This is a Short Neveah story...less than 3,000 words... 

Serephina was born a princess with the weight of her people on her shoulders. She was expected to follow tradition but she wanted something more. Something different. Find out what united her with the Levannah family and learn who her first love was. Experience the magic of Neveah with this short story."

Less than 3,000 words? I'm in. I don't know what this Neveah trilogy is, but from the name it sounds unnecessarily and overthetoppedly fantasy. There's nothing wrong with fantasy, except when there is absolutely no fucking reason for it. I don't know, maybe there is some device in her trilogy that works with the genre but there were literally zero reasons for this short story to be about an elf and for everyone's name to have a thousand fucking H's in it (...Haches? How the fuck do I say that...? Whatever, figure it out yourself). Seriously, her mother's name is fucking Avalon. What? No, you're not even trying.

Anyways, this story is about an elf girl who is peaceful and apparently elves are born fighters (DUH!) and also she probably didn't want to make her a dwarf or something because it's not sexy (so make her a fucking human, dick).

Oh, but oh yeah, so she randomly meets the human king and queen who are magically waiting for her and want her to be their nanny (FATE!) and she falls in love with the...the guy that guards the door or something. Bellhop. Yeah. So THAT'S why she needs to be an elf because if she wasn't then her fucking a human wouldn't be forbidden.

And this is totally the softest of softcore porn because she wants to tell him she loves him (I'm not really skipping anything, there is no character development this is probably a longer explanation than them falling in love) but she stands there contemplating how she is only three feet tall so he won't like her and she wishes her hair was blonde instead of purple and she didn't have such big eyes and huge, full red lips.

Yeah, like I'm not imagining fucking the shit out her right now. Yeah, go ahead, pass it off as clean, but we all know everyone reading your story, man or woman, is thinking about railing the tits off that little elf right now.

Oh and he's all like, "I totally love you too."

THE END

She literally ended the story with a huge ass "The End" like that.

Ratings:

Word Repetition: 5 out of 5. This lady has trouble expressing herself with more than three words rubbed together over and over for each paragraph. It reads like, "His hair was long hair and his hair hung down and covered his blue eyes and she looked at his curly hair covering his blue eyes and thought to herself how much she liked his blue eyes peeking out through his long hair." JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY.

Cause then there will be a reason for you to repeat words over and over? Amirite?

Surprisingly Well Edited: 5 out of 5. The shit was tight. Not much more to say, it was just pretty damn well polished. Actually I caught one mista- NO! I'm not going to be that guy, it was good.

Seriously Like I Know I Already Said This But Why The Fuck Was This Fantasy? 4 out of 5. A 4 because I know I already said it was because of the inter-species taboo thing which we are all pretending we are not turned on by. But, couldn't she just make her some other taboo, like-- Heh, no matter what I say here it's fucked up. Race? No. Disability? No. Family? Okay let's just stop listing things because now instead of saying one fucked up thing I've said three.

Actually, in all seriously, when she saw the queen up on the hill and described her all gorgeous and pregnant and said she was drawn to her I thought it was suddenly going to be a lesbian story. Which honestly would have been better (I mean other than the part where I was like, "ALRIGHT let's do this!") but then there would be like less than zero reasons for it to be fantasy.

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. It wasn't a horribly written story, just pretty bland. And for having inter-species taboo, that's really saying something.



If you want to read about truly titillating taboos, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.




Titillating

Martian Invaders Meet Alliteration

Actually, it would have been better if they just named it Martians Meet Mom, but hey, throw an "I" wrench into the works, what do I know. This week I read Martian Invaders Meet Mom by Rebecca and Alan Lickiss. Aww, writing couple! Seriously though, that title doesn't flow as well as mine.

(Link)

Description:

"The invading Martian armies were ready. Their leaders thought they would win without trying. That is until their advance robotic scouts met Mom."

This story is interesting, because it's like an Asimov short story with its theme where aliens meet humans and ironic things happen, but it's young adult level reading. Actually it's more like a story by moms for moms. The Jiff of short stories, if you will.

So the Martians design some tall male robots, because of the way humans favor those attributes, and send them to Earf. But when the robots get there, the reader quickly realizes the Martians designed them--get this--based on CHILDREN! HAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa.........!

I actually won't spoil this one because it's not a terrible short story, but let's just say Mom takes care of business with her no-nonsense housewifery! Oh no you didn't try to mess with MOM! Take that, Martians!

Of course, the boys are more of a handful than the aliens!

GUFFAW!

Ratings:

Whitebreadery: 5 out of 5. This story is sooooo white and suburban. She lines up the kids' backpacks in the morning, making sure their homework is neatly placed inside, after school she makes snacks for them and does laundry as she watches them to make sure they are okay, etc. Everything is in order and there is not a hint of poverty or trouble as the kids play outside and walk themselves to school. The most of this housewife's worries are her kids making fart jokes, and when she is pushed to the limit by the robot kids taking apart electronics, her "wrath" is manifest like, "I told you to please not do that." Woah, calm down lady! You might damage those kids with your overbearing middle-class liberal mothering! And of course the Martians can't handle this level of stern politeness, which actually makes the story really entertaining.

Errors Ruining My Time: 3 out of 5. The formatting was off and there were some punctuation errors. It's not a huge deal, but this story was published in a magazine before it went to Amazon. You would think it would be edited. Wtf, man?

Predictable Ending: 0 out of 5. Yeah actually you know the end of the story by the freaking title and description, right? Except somehow the mechanics of it slipped by me, and I think logistically it really worked out. Looking back, it's all set up and I had a suspicion, but it all blended well enough that it didn't matter. Don't know what the fuck I'm talking about? Yeah, I'm still trying not to spoil the ending, because... Well this is the first and last time I will ever say this, but this story is short and well packed enough that, although it is kind of lame, childish, naive (what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah, WHITE) I still recommend you read it. There. That probably scares the shit out of you, right? It's just a fun little story, and I liked it.

Overall: 3 out of 5. I recommend you read it because it is basically a well-written story and I was entertained the whole time. However, it's nothing amazing. I like scifi, and I like irony, but it is certainly not the most ironic or surprising. Plus, it's just too fucking innocent. It really fucks up my funny when stories are good AND clean as a virgin's...resume, so I have to fucking add in a million fucks in an attempt to substitute fucks for humor, fuck. Or I could torture a simile for some laughs, like that time I accidentally went into the girl's locker room and instead of turning around and walking out I bolted for the janitor's closet and they obviously saw me so when they opened the door I grabbed a nearby hammer and smashed it into my dick.

It worked. They couldn't stop laughing all three years of junior high.

If you are interested in other stories of genital mutilation, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Bored Now

This week I read Home Now by Suzie O'Connell.

(Link)

Description: "A year ago, Robert's wife passed away. Now, with little else but the memories of her to fill his days and haunt his dreams, he longs to be rejoined with his beloved Edie.

"Heartbreaking but hopeful.... an intense read. Terribly delightful." – Joseph Schwarz, Smashwords Customer

Approx. 1,400 words"

I love the juxtaposition there, as if the guy is reviewing a novel--"an intense read"--and then: Approx. 1,400 words. I want to meet this Joseph Schwarz and ask him what he thought of Cat in the Hat. "Well, you better be ready to call in sick to work, because it's a detailed masterpiece that you just won't be able to put down."

Anyway, I'm glad it was short, because I saw the cover and got really drowsy. Actually the descriptions are *almost* beautiful and very detailed, but verging on too much. That's where the bulk of the words come from, because I will describe the story to you now, and as you'll see, nothing really happens.

An old guy misses his wife. His son comes to visit, then goes home. The old guy feels lonely and wants the pain to go away, then his wife comes and says, "You're home now." The rest is literally just flowery (again, very nice) descriptions of like the skin on his hands and stuff.

Sooooo.....Ratings:

Conflict: 0 out of 5. Again, I don't know what the hell Joe is talking about when he says, "an intense read," because the dude is pretty much lonely then he dies, and nothing unexpected happens. Okay, and that even sounds way more bleak than the story actually is. He reflects on how well his life went, how his son was perfect and successful and his grandson was too. When his son comes to visit, it is clear that they are a freakishly functional family. "I love you, son, and I'm proud of you." "Thanks, dad, I love you too." It's just unrealistic. I'm glad we have a little uplifting story here, but this dude is a rancher, he's not going to just share his feelings with his rancher son like a post-modern school counselor who wants people to sculpt their true heart animal out of clay. This is an opportunity for conflict! The old man should struggle with how to express himself! And you just fucked it up with your hippy bullshit.

Anything Happening: 0 out of 5. Yeah sure the dude dies that night, but it happens in the least conflictory (is that a word?) way possible (see above). So even that doesn't really count as something happening. What kills me though is that all these words are spent on descriptions, just barely escaping from the trap of looking like the author needed to beef up an empty story, when she passed up a perfectly good chance to make something happen. I'll explain. When the son gets there, the old man wants to take a walk in the snow, and the son says, "Are you sure? It's slippery outside." Then literally the next thing that happens is the son is driving away.

WHAT THE FUCK? That was a perfect chance for dialogue--for action! No, just introduce this character, then have him leave immediately so we can describe how beautifully lonely this old guy is some more via his own thoughts. I'M ON THE EDGE OF MY FUCKING SEAT HERE.

Predictables Within Cliches: 5 out of 5. Seriously, I'm pretty sure even you knew this old guy dies at the end and you didn't even read the story, but could she say anything more stupid at the end than, "You're home now." ...!? I mean say ANYTHING FUCKING EL-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Overall: 3 out of 5. Like I said, it was well written, just missing some like really essential parts, and it's not really my thing. I'm more into man-in-an-alligator-suit on snake erotica. That's right, I'm a Scaly.




If you're into unhinging jaws too, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Here's Your Christmas Guilt

Since it's Christmas in a couple days, I read A Belt Buckle for Camilla by Tom Match.

(Link)

Description:

"Out of money and with no food for the Christmas table, Camilla's mom gets invited to dinner by a stranger. The only thing six-year-old Camilla wants for Christmas is a belt buckle, just like the kind her daddy wore before he died. Will her wish come true?"

Oh come on, obviously her wish will come true. You see the cover, you see the description and the title, do you even need to read the story? No, you don't. You can guess exactly what happens.

This is the typical poor person gets a Christmas miracle from Jesus story. The kind you can't criticize because if you do you're an asshole and you are trying to ruin white peoples' Christmas. Well, get ready to call me an asshole, because I'm going to criticize it.

Maybe I'm not giving this dude enough credit, because he ups the ante from just "poor family has a Christmas miracle" to "poor single mother loses her shitty job and her daughter asks for a gold belt buckle just like her dad used to wear (her dad who died. On CHRISTMAS EVE) and they have a Christmas miracle." Holy shit! If you don't like this story you are really heartless.

Well, they run into a lady who mysteriously knows Camilla's name and lives in their apartment building and invites them to dinner. At dinner they discover what Christmas is all about and the lady gives them gifts. On Christmas they open the gifts and the mother's is just a box full of hundred dollar bills, and guess what Camilla's gift is. That's right, a fucking Christmas miracle belt buckle.

You can probably guess where this is going. They go up to ask the lady what the fuck, and the landlord tells them nobody lives in that apartment.

Jesus.

Ratings:

Guilt Stars: 4.5 out of 5. That's how many stars this story has on Amazon, despite being completely predictable, a ripoff of every Fox News pundit's Christmas book ever sold, and being only seven pages in length. And it's obvious this isn't written from the heart or some bullshit like that, before you start getting all guilty too, because it is about a single mother and the author is a man who desperately plugs his "compassion website" at the end. Ridiculous. If you still think I'm an asshole, think about this. Would you be happy with me if I read this story and was inspired to half-assedly write a story about a kid who has his cancer and AIDS healed magically on Christmas because I could totally sell a million copies? Who is the REAL asshole here, Tom?

What the Fuck is- Oh, Someone is Talking? 5 out of 5. There are no quotation marks in this story. None. People just start talking, and it's not even separated from the paragraph or anything, and the main character sometimes even starts thinking to herself in the very same block of text. It's like some weird train of thought shit where someone is thinking everything people are saying or something. Here's an example, which I will put in fucking quotation marks so you know it's from the story, you're welcome.

"Hadry winked at Camilla. And this one, she added, is for you, my child. Camilla looked at me as if asking my permission to accept it. I nodded my approval."

Holy shit that's one paragraph just slammed in there. Fine, I understand what's going on, but generally we like to help the reader. Maybe he was just trying to add mystery because saying shit like "my child" is a fucking dead giveaway as to where this story is going.

Creepy Angel: 5 out of 5. Seriously, the most unrealistic thing about this story is the creepy lady that seems to somehow know their names and everything about them and randomly invites them over. If this was real life, it would raise legitimate suspicions. And when they get to her house she has them sing Christmas songs to her. Then she gives them a box of money? Where did the money come from? Can't find out, because she is mysteriously gone the next day. I would lock the door.

Overall: 1 out of 5. This story was totally shameless and uninspired. If you're still not convinced, I really don't hate Christmas or something. I seriously cried at the end of Ernest Saves Christmas. And a couple times in the middle.

If you would like to cry too, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Omigod I Posted Again!

Woah! I'm back! I know, I know, it's been like a month! Actually I would never have come back if it wasn't for all the people whining, "When are you going to do another review!? I need your words inside my eyes or I will die!" Yeah, fine. Here I am. I can't give you all the details, but let's just say I was in a submarine filming the world's deepest porn film. In more than one way, BOOM! So today I read How Jones Goes by Lawrence Dagstine.

(Link)

Description:

"In the late 21st century, overpopulation is a problem. There's also the problem with mental health. In one particularly unusual asylum, there is Dr. Born (psychiatric intern) and Dr. Bloch (sexologist). And then there's Jones. You have not met anyone like Jones. You see, it's not every day that patients claim they are from Mars. And it's not every day they come and go as they please. A short story filled with loads of satire (and lots of oddities that will make you shake your head) by speculative fiction author, Lawrence Dagstine."

Well, well, that wasn't a self-stroking appraisal at all, was it? Anyway, this review is easy, because I don't even have to do any work. You remember the movie K-PAX? Based on the book K-PAX? Yeah, this story was that, but without Kevin Spacey, and without a meaningful ending.

Done.

Alright I'll talk about it a little more. So at the end of this story the dude has an author biography, in which he is like, "I have been published like a MILLION times, I'm surprised you've never heard of me. You are probably a loser." So, I feel completely justified in saying, "Dude, your story was fucking SHIT!" If you have so many stories, why does it feel like I'm reading something a child wrote in crayon? Let's go to my old favorite fallback and look at the beginning of the story:

"If it's some rest you're wanting, some respite from the Sturm und Drang of life in these Americas at the dirty end of the 21st century, don't make the (my!) big mistake of acting crazy to get yourself put in a bin."

Fuck man, I know you're trying to be unique, but start off easy for the BEGINNING of the story, at least! I will give you a pass if you are trying to make an unreliable narrator by making us realize that this guy is really crazy and did not get himself put in a "bin" on purpose. But that's not the case, because if you are trying to do that it failed. Let's back up a second though.

"Sturm und Drang"? Man, I am a graduate student who regularly has to read German philosophy and literature and I have never fucking heard of that obscure late 1700's trend. Use something a little more accessible, shit. "These Americas"? Just trying to sound unique. "Dirty end of the 21st century"? Oh really? The future is dystopian? How original. And the parenthesis doesn't help the flow of the sentence at all (eat a dick) which is already confusing because what the fuck is a bin?

It's an insane asylum, and this guy gets himself put in one to get taken care of for free because it's the future and shit. Then he talks about all the people in the asylum that never fucking matter to the story just because that's how you write a story about a looney b- OH! "bin" like "looney bin!" Fuck, you would think it would be easier to just use a word that people actually fucking use.

Anyway, his friend says he's from Mars and says he is going back home and disappears at the end. The moral is- THERE IS NO FUCKING MORAL JUST WATCH K-PAX!

Ratings:

Are Those Grammatical Errors or is Your Writing Intentionally That Quirky? 5 out of 5. This is like way back in high school creative writing when a classmate was fucking obsessed with Chuck Palahniuk (SPELLED IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!). So this kid (you know who you are, and I know you're reading this!) always tried to write all edgy and shit like Chuck Palahniuk (SECOND TIME BOOM). Fine, but the only thing is I was like, "If those are the only books you read, and you try to write exactly like that all the time, you know who will always be better than you? CHUCK FUCKING PALAHNIUK!"

Suspension of Disbelief: ? out of 5. I actually don't know what to call this situation. It's like I don't believe the guy is crazy, so I just think that the ending was that his friend literally was a Martian and went into space. But I don't believe that's possible or anything, so basically... I guess I just believe this was badly written.

Originality: 0 out of 5. I tried to think of a more original category than this, but this story was just so stunningly derivative. Plus, I got to make that joke, so we'll call it even. The future setting of a collapsing America, the asylum setting taken from popular films, and the ending were just so...stupid! I'm sorry, I can't even think of anything more to say about it. I am fucking dumbstruck.

Overall: 1.5 out of 5. I wanted to stop reading this so bad. The long garden path sentences riddled with errors, the stupid elitist tone, the fact that the exhibition didn't stop and the plot didn't start until 3/4 of the way through... Fuck!

If you would also like to "Fuck!" go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.



I meant, like say, "Fuck!" please don't contact me for sex.

Toy Planets

This week I read Toy Planets by James Bishop.

(Link)

Description:

"Latome’s universe is stagnant and without direction. When peer pressure forces Latome to intervene in his universe, the results are not as expected."

Alright so basically this kid has a toy universe that he made. If you guessed it is our universe, you win...nothing because that was obviously where this was going. But that's not a big deal, it's apparent from the start that he created Earth's universe. His brother always gives him shit though, because his most active galaxy is Earth's and there are only two planets inhabited there.

Latome's (that's the kid's name) dad is also really ashamed of him because of how shitty his universe is. It's a little weird, because he just decides to go to the craft store and buy a new planet with an alien race and put it in the universe next to Earth so they'll fight, then everyone stops being mean to him. So this kid was a loser because he didn't go to the store that whole time? Seems like a pretty shitty society. His father seriously disowned him and pretended not to hear his name whenever he was mentioned because he wouldn't buy more aliens to put in his terrarium.

Anyway before he does that though he tries to help the humans by giving them knowledge. They do expand, but Latome's brother says he really won't get anywhere unless he starts a war (which, I already told you but you weren't fucking listening, he does).

The humans get screwed in the war and Latome feels bad. He decides to input the command to eradicate the planet and put the creatures out of their misery.

But it's a bait-and-switch! He actually killed the violent aliens then shrunk himself down and went to Earth and lived out the rest of his life as their savior.

And THAT... is the story of Christmas.

Ratings:

Page Turner: 3 out of 5. This story actually wasn't bad in that it made me want to see what happened. Part of it was that it was about my own planet, and I wanted to find out if the humans made it or not. Part of it was the originality. But to counter that, part of it was my arrogant ass wanting to see how right I was about my predictions. The only thing is, if it keeps you reading, there better be a damn good payoff or I'm going to feel all empty like when I wake up with way too many Mardi Gras beads and my sheets definitely smell like an animal, but there's nobody there but me and all I can remember is flashes of me screaming "DONKEY! DONKEY!" as people shove shots in my direction.

Explanations: 0 out of 5. Unfortunately, this story left more questions than it did answers. Where the hell did the creator people come from? Why are they so obsessed with the way their kids play with toys? What do they even look like? Seriously why the hell do they care so much about their pet aliens, it's like the entire fucking crux of the story and it has no explanation! And finally, why are their toys so important!? Okay, just that, just answer that question please, I don't actually care about the other stuff.

Ending: 2 out of 5. There was a twist, but I almost missed it and thought I had read wrong. But yeah, you remember when I said if it makes me turn the pages there better be a good payoff? Well, that payoff definitely isn't the nerdiest kid around who everyone hates coming to chill on Earth so he can be cool. Okay, first of all, you basically destroyed the whole fucking planet you dick. Second, I was interested in this story because I wanted to see if the humans could make it despite being at a huge disadvantage against an aggressive alien race which you bought at a store specifically to fuck them up. It would have been totally badass if they pulled it off  and you could tell your friends and father to suck it 'cause the boring little race overcame everyone's expectations, but instead the shitty loser kid comes to teach people all the knowledge they lost because of his own dickish actions. Plus, that whole thing is not original, it is literally one of the oldest stories around. Give us something new, and by new I mean not a messiah.

Overall: 4 out of 5. This is one of the best stories I've reviewed, despite my harping on it. I disagree with the ending, but hey it's not my story. I sort of spoiled it for you as I do, but I will actually say for like the first time ever if you feel like it you could read this story and you won't have wasted (that much) time.

If you have a lot of time to waste, don't read it and instead go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall