But, I decided to go with MAKE ******* FAST by Delta. I don't think that's his real name for some reason. What the hell, Amazon, why are you flooding me with erotica suggestions this week? Anyway, I chose it because I assume the title means "MAKE FUCK FAST" which made me giggle.
(Link)
Description:
"A very short story -- 2400 words/8pages -- about what could go wrong when implementing what seemed a brilliant idea at the time. This work is a parody(?) of the old 'MAKE MONEY FAST' pyramid schemes that abounded during the early days of the USENET newsgroups.
This book contains graphic scenes of sex and is intended for an ADULT audience only. All characters are 19 years of age or older."
Alright so basically this guy and this girl write an ad which is a spoof of a pyramid scheme where you have sex with all the people on the list of the opposite sex, then cross off the top name on the list and add your own name to the bottom. Wait...that's not how a pyramid scheme works? Wouldn't a pyramid scheme of sex just be like a bunch of people on the bottom passing up small amounts of sex to one person at the top? Like....bees? Not like sex with bees, but like the way that...nah just forget it... Or just an orgy in a pyramid-shaped pile or something?
Anyway, the original two people that started the scheme end up having waaay too much sex, and some lady starts reviewing the quality of their sex, which leads the guy to get a great rating to his dismay because it will mean entirely too much more sex. Then there is a (literally) painful sex scene and the story ends.
Sex.
Ratings:
Wildly Over the Toppedly Usedly Adverbs...ly: 5 out of 5. This guy fucking loves jamming adverbs anywhere. Seriously, he makes shit into adverbs that I did not know could possibly be adverbs. Normally at this point I would make up a mock sentence to make fun of it, but I'll just dig up a few examples:
First there are the rapid-fire examples, like "They both needed it, she figured correctly. Walking, she thought tiredly..." Seriously, there is another less shitty way to avoid both of those, or just use one, cause you just fucking used one and it's enough!
Then there are the completely unnecessary words that I don't think this author even understands, like, "Impassively, Gerry watched Ellen undress." Of course he did it impassively, that's what watched fucking MEANS, especially when you're doing it on a woman. Like here's a quick demonstration. If you see a kid masturbate, it's totally passive and probably a mistake. But if you watch a kid masturbate, you're going to prison. Get the difference?
Then there is the one that fucking takes the cake: "docilely" He actually fucking used the word docilely. What the fuck? That is only a word by loophole! How the fuck can that even come into your mind!?
Number of Edits Made Since the 1990s: 0 out of 5. This guy proudly pronounces that he wrote this shitty "erotica" back in the 90's, hence the USENET reference, which is SO FUCKING RELEVANT TO OUR TIMES SHUT UP. But the thing is he didn't fucking edit it since then. At all. There are still tons of sentences which he changed halfway through writing them so they make no goddamn sense. "Gerry looked at her and it came to his 'I would like to buy a 56k modem' he thought amazedly." And while we're on the subject, who the fuck writes an afterword for a short story? Just tell the story in the story? If you have to explain it, it isn't very good?
Number of Fucks Made Fast/Number of boners: 1 out of 5. There was some sex, but it was really brief and the lady was in pain and all dismayed at getting herself into a fuck club. Basically, it is the least horny I have ever been ever. Even worse than the zombie erotica. And I understand that it's supposed to be satire of shit that happened like two decades ago, but then why have an explicit sex scene? Why go in all half-cocked (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) and then change your mind and pull out (I DID IT AGAIN) early? Also, the characters names are Gerry and Ellen. Okay, obviously Gerry is a fucking horribly feeble attempt at making a fictional name, but first of all this isn't fucking fantasy so just use a normally name. How about the fucking name you wanted to use--Jerry? What the fuck is Gerry? You mean Gary? So I decided it was supposed to be Jerry, but then I was like, "But wait the lady's name is normal." But no, look at it, it's supposed to be Elaine. This guy fucking thought of an erotica satire, and it was the 90's, so in his head it was Seinfeld. Think about that. That feeling is called what-the-fuck-funny, my friend. Or maybe pity-funny. Sad-funny?
Overall: 1 out of 5. This story was just pretty shitty. Honestly, though, I can't shake the feeling that it would make a great episode of Seinfeld.
If you would like to read my Seinfeld fanfiction, go to: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.
And yes, of course it is all erotica.
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