MAKE CLEVELAND STEAMER FAST

Oh my god, I so wanted to review this:

It's an amish romance. Seriously, what? That's amazing! But it's like 45 pages, and I think the novelty will wear off after like one page. Still, I'm really curious. I also wanted to do one from the "Cowboy Cassanova" series, which was listed right after this. Haha that just seems like an oxymoron to me.

But, I decided to go with MAKE ******* FAST by Delta. I don't think that's his real name for some reason. What the hell, Amazon, why are you flooding me with erotica suggestions this week? Anyway, I chose it because I assume the title means "MAKE FUCK FAST" which made me giggle. 

(Link)

Description:

"A very short story -- 2400 words/8pages -- about what could go wrong when implementing what seemed a brilliant idea at the time. This work is a parody(?) of the old 'MAKE MONEY FAST' pyramid schemes that abounded during the early days of the USENET newsgroups.

This book contains graphic scenes of sex and is intended for an ADULT audience only. All characters are 19 years of age or older."

Alright so basically this guy and this girl write an ad which is a spoof of a pyramid scheme where you have sex with all the people on the list of the opposite sex, then cross off the top name on the list and add your own name to the bottom. Wait...that's not how a pyramid scheme works? Wouldn't a pyramid scheme of sex just be like a bunch of people on the bottom passing up small amounts of sex to one person at the top? Like....bees? Not like sex with bees, but like the way that...nah just forget it... Or just an orgy in a pyramid-shaped pile or something?

Anyway, the original two people that started the scheme end up having waaay too much sex, and some lady starts reviewing the quality of their sex, which leads the guy to get a great rating to his dismay because it will mean entirely too much more sex. Then there is a (literally) painful sex scene and the story ends.

Sex.

Ratings:

Wildly Over the Toppedly Usedly Adverbs...ly: 5 out of 5. This guy fucking loves jamming adverbs anywhere. Seriously, he makes shit into adverbs that I did not know could possibly be adverbs. Normally at this point I would make up a mock sentence to make fun of it, but I'll just dig up a few examples:

First there are the rapid-fire examples, like "They both needed it, she figured correctly. Walking, she thought tiredly..." Seriously, there is another less shitty way to avoid both of those, or just use one, cause you just fucking used one and it's enough!

Then there are the completely unnecessary words that I don't think this author even understands, like, "Impassively, Gerry watched Ellen undress." Of course he did it impassively, that's what watched fucking MEANS, especially when you're doing it on a woman. Like here's a quick demonstration. If you see a kid masturbate, it's totally passive and probably a mistake. But if you watch a kid masturbate, you're going to prison. Get the difference? 

Then there is the one that fucking takes the cake: "docilely" He actually fucking used the word docilely. What the fuck? That is only a word by loophole! How the fuck can that even come into your mind!?

Number of Edits Made Since the 1990s: 0 out of 5. This guy proudly pronounces that he wrote this shitty "erotica" back in the 90's, hence the USENET reference, which is SO FUCKING RELEVANT TO OUR TIMES SHUT UP. But the thing is he didn't fucking edit it since then. At all. There are still tons of sentences which he changed halfway through writing them so they make no goddamn sense. "Gerry looked at her and it came to his 'I would like to buy a 56k modem' he thought amazedly." And while we're on the subject, who the fuck writes an afterword for a short story? Just tell the story in the story? If you have to explain it, it isn't very good?

Number of Fucks Made Fast/Number of boners: 1 out of 5. There was some sex, but it was really brief and the lady was in pain and all dismayed at getting herself into a fuck club. Basically, it is the least horny I have ever been ever. Even worse than the zombie erotica. And I understand that it's supposed to be satire of shit that happened like two decades ago, but then why have an explicit sex scene? Why go in all half-cocked (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) and then change your mind and pull out (I DID IT AGAIN) early? Also, the characters names are Gerry and Ellen. Okay, obviously Gerry is a fucking horribly feeble attempt at making a fictional name, but first of all this isn't fucking fantasy so just use a normally name. How about the fucking name you wanted to use--Jerry? What the fuck is Gerry? You mean Gary? So I decided it was supposed to be Jerry, but then I was like, "But wait the lady's name is normal." But no, look at it, it's supposed to be Elaine. This guy fucking thought of an erotica satire, and it was the 90's, so in his head it was Seinfeld. Think about that. That feeling is called what-the-fuck-funny, my friend. Or maybe pity-funny. Sad-funny?

Overall: 1 out of 5. This story was just pretty shitty. Honestly, though, I can't shake the feeling that it would make a great episode of Seinfeld.




If you would like to read my Seinfeld fanfiction, go to: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.



And yes, of course it is all erotica.

Interspecieserotophina

This week I read Serephina by Angie Merriam.

(Link)

Description:

"This is a Short Neveah story...less than 3,000 words... 

Serephina was born a princess with the weight of her people on her shoulders. She was expected to follow tradition but she wanted something more. Something different. Find out what united her with the Levannah family and learn who her first love was. Experience the magic of Neveah with this short story."

Less than 3,000 words? I'm in. I don't know what this Neveah trilogy is, but from the name it sounds unnecessarily and overthetoppedly fantasy. There's nothing wrong with fantasy, except when there is absolutely no fucking reason for it. I don't know, maybe there is some device in her trilogy that works with the genre but there were literally zero reasons for this short story to be about an elf and for everyone's name to have a thousand fucking H's in it (...Haches? How the fuck do I say that...? Whatever, figure it out yourself). Seriously, her mother's name is fucking Avalon. What? No, you're not even trying.

Anyways, this story is about an elf girl who is peaceful and apparently elves are born fighters (DUH!) and also she probably didn't want to make her a dwarf or something because it's not sexy (so make her a fucking human, dick).

Oh, but oh yeah, so she randomly meets the human king and queen who are magically waiting for her and want her to be their nanny (FATE!) and she falls in love with the...the guy that guards the door or something. Bellhop. Yeah. So THAT'S why she needs to be an elf because if she wasn't then her fucking a human wouldn't be forbidden.

And this is totally the softest of softcore porn because she wants to tell him she loves him (I'm not really skipping anything, there is no character development this is probably a longer explanation than them falling in love) but she stands there contemplating how she is only three feet tall so he won't like her and she wishes her hair was blonde instead of purple and she didn't have such big eyes and huge, full red lips.

Yeah, like I'm not imagining fucking the shit out her right now. Yeah, go ahead, pass it off as clean, but we all know everyone reading your story, man or woman, is thinking about railing the tits off that little elf right now.

Oh and he's all like, "I totally love you too."

THE END

She literally ended the story with a huge ass "The End" like that.

Ratings:

Word Repetition: 5 out of 5. This lady has trouble expressing herself with more than three words rubbed together over and over for each paragraph. It reads like, "His hair was long hair and his hair hung down and covered his blue eyes and she looked at his curly hair covering his blue eyes and thought to herself how much she liked his blue eyes peeking out through his long hair." JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY.

Cause then there will be a reason for you to repeat words over and over? Amirite?

Surprisingly Well Edited: 5 out of 5. The shit was tight. Not much more to say, it was just pretty damn well polished. Actually I caught one mista- NO! I'm not going to be that guy, it was good.

Seriously Like I Know I Already Said This But Why The Fuck Was This Fantasy? 4 out of 5. A 4 because I know I already said it was because of the inter-species taboo thing which we are all pretending we are not turned on by. But, couldn't she just make her some other taboo, like-- Heh, no matter what I say here it's fucked up. Race? No. Disability? No. Family? Okay let's just stop listing things because now instead of saying one fucked up thing I've said three.

Actually, in all seriously, when she saw the queen up on the hill and described her all gorgeous and pregnant and said she was drawn to her I thought it was suddenly going to be a lesbian story. Which honestly would have been better (I mean other than the part where I was like, "ALRIGHT let's do this!") but then there would be like less than zero reasons for it to be fantasy.

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. It wasn't a horribly written story, just pretty bland. And for having inter-species taboo, that's really saying something.



If you want to read about truly titillating taboos, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.




Titillating

Martian Invaders Meet Alliteration

Actually, it would have been better if they just named it Martians Meet Mom, but hey, throw an "I" wrench into the works, what do I know. This week I read Martian Invaders Meet Mom by Rebecca and Alan Lickiss. Aww, writing couple! Seriously though, that title doesn't flow as well as mine.

(Link)

Description:

"The invading Martian armies were ready. Their leaders thought they would win without trying. That is until their advance robotic scouts met Mom."

This story is interesting, because it's like an Asimov short story with its theme where aliens meet humans and ironic things happen, but it's young adult level reading. Actually it's more like a story by moms for moms. The Jiff of short stories, if you will.

So the Martians design some tall male robots, because of the way humans favor those attributes, and send them to Earf. But when the robots get there, the reader quickly realizes the Martians designed them--get this--based on CHILDREN! HAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa.........!

I actually won't spoil this one because it's not a terrible short story, but let's just say Mom takes care of business with her no-nonsense housewifery! Oh no you didn't try to mess with MOM! Take that, Martians!

Of course, the boys are more of a handful than the aliens!

GUFFAW!

Ratings:

Whitebreadery: 5 out of 5. This story is sooooo white and suburban. She lines up the kids' backpacks in the morning, making sure their homework is neatly placed inside, after school she makes snacks for them and does laundry as she watches them to make sure they are okay, etc. Everything is in order and there is not a hint of poverty or trouble as the kids play outside and walk themselves to school. The most of this housewife's worries are her kids making fart jokes, and when she is pushed to the limit by the robot kids taking apart electronics, her "wrath" is manifest like, "I told you to please not do that." Woah, calm down lady! You might damage those kids with your overbearing middle-class liberal mothering! And of course the Martians can't handle this level of stern politeness, which actually makes the story really entertaining.

Errors Ruining My Time: 3 out of 5. The formatting was off and there were some punctuation errors. It's not a huge deal, but this story was published in a magazine before it went to Amazon. You would think it would be edited. Wtf, man?

Predictable Ending: 0 out of 5. Yeah actually you know the end of the story by the freaking title and description, right? Except somehow the mechanics of it slipped by me, and I think logistically it really worked out. Looking back, it's all set up and I had a suspicion, but it all blended well enough that it didn't matter. Don't know what the fuck I'm talking about? Yeah, I'm still trying not to spoil the ending, because... Well this is the first and last time I will ever say this, but this story is short and well packed enough that, although it is kind of lame, childish, naive (what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah, WHITE) I still recommend you read it. There. That probably scares the shit out of you, right? It's just a fun little story, and I liked it.

Overall: 3 out of 5. I recommend you read it because it is basically a well-written story and I was entertained the whole time. However, it's nothing amazing. I like scifi, and I like irony, but it is certainly not the most ironic or surprising. Plus, it's just too fucking innocent. It really fucks up my funny when stories are good AND clean as a virgin's...resume, so I have to fucking add in a million fucks in an attempt to substitute fucks for humor, fuck. Or I could torture a simile for some laughs, like that time I accidentally went into the girl's locker room and instead of turning around and walking out I bolted for the janitor's closet and they obviously saw me so when they opened the door I grabbed a nearby hammer and smashed it into my dick.

It worked. They couldn't stop laughing all three years of junior high.

If you are interested in other stories of genital mutilation, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Bored Now

This week I read Home Now by Suzie O'Connell.

(Link)

Description: "A year ago, Robert's wife passed away. Now, with little else but the memories of her to fill his days and haunt his dreams, he longs to be rejoined with his beloved Edie.

"Heartbreaking but hopeful.... an intense read. Terribly delightful." – Joseph Schwarz, Smashwords Customer

Approx. 1,400 words"

I love the juxtaposition there, as if the guy is reviewing a novel--"an intense read"--and then: Approx. 1,400 words. I want to meet this Joseph Schwarz and ask him what he thought of Cat in the Hat. "Well, you better be ready to call in sick to work, because it's a detailed masterpiece that you just won't be able to put down."

Anyway, I'm glad it was short, because I saw the cover and got really drowsy. Actually the descriptions are *almost* beautiful and very detailed, but verging on too much. That's where the bulk of the words come from, because I will describe the story to you now, and as you'll see, nothing really happens.

An old guy misses his wife. His son comes to visit, then goes home. The old guy feels lonely and wants the pain to go away, then his wife comes and says, "You're home now." The rest is literally just flowery (again, very nice) descriptions of like the skin on his hands and stuff.

Sooooo.....Ratings:

Conflict: 0 out of 5. Again, I don't know what the hell Joe is talking about when he says, "an intense read," because the dude is pretty much lonely then he dies, and nothing unexpected happens. Okay, and that even sounds way more bleak than the story actually is. He reflects on how well his life went, how his son was perfect and successful and his grandson was too. When his son comes to visit, it is clear that they are a freakishly functional family. "I love you, son, and I'm proud of you." "Thanks, dad, I love you too." It's just unrealistic. I'm glad we have a little uplifting story here, but this dude is a rancher, he's not going to just share his feelings with his rancher son like a post-modern school counselor who wants people to sculpt their true heart animal out of clay. This is an opportunity for conflict! The old man should struggle with how to express himself! And you just fucked it up with your hippy bullshit.

Anything Happening: 0 out of 5. Yeah sure the dude dies that night, but it happens in the least conflictory (is that a word?) way possible (see above). So even that doesn't really count as something happening. What kills me though is that all these words are spent on descriptions, just barely escaping from the trap of looking like the author needed to beef up an empty story, when she passed up a perfectly good chance to make something happen. I'll explain. When the son gets there, the old man wants to take a walk in the snow, and the son says, "Are you sure? It's slippery outside." Then literally the next thing that happens is the son is driving away.

WHAT THE FUCK? That was a perfect chance for dialogue--for action! No, just introduce this character, then have him leave immediately so we can describe how beautifully lonely this old guy is some more via his own thoughts. I'M ON THE EDGE OF MY FUCKING SEAT HERE.

Predictables Within Cliches: 5 out of 5. Seriously, I'm pretty sure even you knew this old guy dies at the end and you didn't even read the story, but could she say anything more stupid at the end than, "You're home now." ...!? I mean say ANYTHING FUCKING EL-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Overall: 3 out of 5. Like I said, it was well written, just missing some like really essential parts, and it's not really my thing. I'm more into man-in-an-alligator-suit on snake erotica. That's right, I'm a Scaly.




If you're into unhinging jaws too, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall