Here's Your Christmas Guilt

Since it's Christmas in a couple days, I read A Belt Buckle for Camilla by Tom Match.

(Link)

Description:

"Out of money and with no food for the Christmas table, Camilla's mom gets invited to dinner by a stranger. The only thing six-year-old Camilla wants for Christmas is a belt buckle, just like the kind her daddy wore before he died. Will her wish come true?"

Oh come on, obviously her wish will come true. You see the cover, you see the description and the title, do you even need to read the story? No, you don't. You can guess exactly what happens.

This is the typical poor person gets a Christmas miracle from Jesus story. The kind you can't criticize because if you do you're an asshole and you are trying to ruin white peoples' Christmas. Well, get ready to call me an asshole, because I'm going to criticize it.

Maybe I'm not giving this dude enough credit, because he ups the ante from just "poor family has a Christmas miracle" to "poor single mother loses her shitty job and her daughter asks for a gold belt buckle just like her dad used to wear (her dad who died. On CHRISTMAS EVE) and they have a Christmas miracle." Holy shit! If you don't like this story you are really heartless.

Well, they run into a lady who mysteriously knows Camilla's name and lives in their apartment building and invites them to dinner. At dinner they discover what Christmas is all about and the lady gives them gifts. On Christmas they open the gifts and the mother's is just a box full of hundred dollar bills, and guess what Camilla's gift is. That's right, a fucking Christmas miracle belt buckle.

You can probably guess where this is going. They go up to ask the lady what the fuck, and the landlord tells them nobody lives in that apartment.

Jesus.

Ratings:

Guilt Stars: 4.5 out of 5. That's how many stars this story has on Amazon, despite being completely predictable, a ripoff of every Fox News pundit's Christmas book ever sold, and being only seven pages in length. And it's obvious this isn't written from the heart or some bullshit like that, before you start getting all guilty too, because it is about a single mother and the author is a man who desperately plugs his "compassion website" at the end. Ridiculous. If you still think I'm an asshole, think about this. Would you be happy with me if I read this story and was inspired to half-assedly write a story about a kid who has his cancer and AIDS healed magically on Christmas because I could totally sell a million copies? Who is the REAL asshole here, Tom?

What the Fuck is- Oh, Someone is Talking? 5 out of 5. There are no quotation marks in this story. None. People just start talking, and it's not even separated from the paragraph or anything, and the main character sometimes even starts thinking to herself in the very same block of text. It's like some weird train of thought shit where someone is thinking everything people are saying or something. Here's an example, which I will put in fucking quotation marks so you know it's from the story, you're welcome.

"Hadry winked at Camilla. And this one, she added, is for you, my child. Camilla looked at me as if asking my permission to accept it. I nodded my approval."

Holy shit that's one paragraph just slammed in there. Fine, I understand what's going on, but generally we like to help the reader. Maybe he was just trying to add mystery because saying shit like "my child" is a fucking dead giveaway as to where this story is going.

Creepy Angel: 5 out of 5. Seriously, the most unrealistic thing about this story is the creepy lady that seems to somehow know their names and everything about them and randomly invites them over. If this was real life, it would raise legitimate suspicions. And when they get to her house she has them sing Christmas songs to her. Then she gives them a box of money? Where did the money come from? Can't find out, because she is mysteriously gone the next day. I would lock the door.

Overall: 1 out of 5. This story was totally shameless and uninspired. If you're still not convinced, I really don't hate Christmas or something. I seriously cried at the end of Ernest Saves Christmas. And a couple times in the middle.

If you would like to cry too, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Omigod I Posted Again!

Woah! I'm back! I know, I know, it's been like a month! Actually I would never have come back if it wasn't for all the people whining, "When are you going to do another review!? I need your words inside my eyes or I will die!" Yeah, fine. Here I am. I can't give you all the details, but let's just say I was in a submarine filming the world's deepest porn film. In more than one way, BOOM! So today I read How Jones Goes by Lawrence Dagstine.

(Link)

Description:

"In the late 21st century, overpopulation is a problem. There's also the problem with mental health. In one particularly unusual asylum, there is Dr. Born (psychiatric intern) and Dr. Bloch (sexologist). And then there's Jones. You have not met anyone like Jones. You see, it's not every day that patients claim they are from Mars. And it's not every day they come and go as they please. A short story filled with loads of satire (and lots of oddities that will make you shake your head) by speculative fiction author, Lawrence Dagstine."

Well, well, that wasn't a self-stroking appraisal at all, was it? Anyway, this review is easy, because I don't even have to do any work. You remember the movie K-PAX? Based on the book K-PAX? Yeah, this story was that, but without Kevin Spacey, and without a meaningful ending.

Done.

Alright I'll talk about it a little more. So at the end of this story the dude has an author biography, in which he is like, "I have been published like a MILLION times, I'm surprised you've never heard of me. You are probably a loser." So, I feel completely justified in saying, "Dude, your story was fucking SHIT!" If you have so many stories, why does it feel like I'm reading something a child wrote in crayon? Let's go to my old favorite fallback and look at the beginning of the story:

"If it's some rest you're wanting, some respite from the Sturm und Drang of life in these Americas at the dirty end of the 21st century, don't make the (my!) big mistake of acting crazy to get yourself put in a bin."

Fuck man, I know you're trying to be unique, but start off easy for the BEGINNING of the story, at least! I will give you a pass if you are trying to make an unreliable narrator by making us realize that this guy is really crazy and did not get himself put in a "bin" on purpose. But that's not the case, because if you are trying to do that it failed. Let's back up a second though.

"Sturm und Drang"? Man, I am a graduate student who regularly has to read German philosophy and literature and I have never fucking heard of that obscure late 1700's trend. Use something a little more accessible, shit. "These Americas"? Just trying to sound unique. "Dirty end of the 21st century"? Oh really? The future is dystopian? How original. And the parenthesis doesn't help the flow of the sentence at all (eat a dick) which is already confusing because what the fuck is a bin?

It's an insane asylum, and this guy gets himself put in one to get taken care of for free because it's the future and shit. Then he talks about all the people in the asylum that never fucking matter to the story just because that's how you write a story about a looney b- OH! "bin" like "looney bin!" Fuck, you would think it would be easier to just use a word that people actually fucking use.

Anyway, his friend says he's from Mars and says he is going back home and disappears at the end. The moral is- THERE IS NO FUCKING MORAL JUST WATCH K-PAX!

Ratings:

Are Those Grammatical Errors or is Your Writing Intentionally That Quirky? 5 out of 5. This is like way back in high school creative writing when a classmate was fucking obsessed with Chuck Palahniuk (SPELLED IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!). So this kid (you know who you are, and I know you're reading this!) always tried to write all edgy and shit like Chuck Palahniuk (SECOND TIME BOOM). Fine, but the only thing is I was like, "If those are the only books you read, and you try to write exactly like that all the time, you know who will always be better than you? CHUCK FUCKING PALAHNIUK!"

Suspension of Disbelief: ? out of 5. I actually don't know what to call this situation. It's like I don't believe the guy is crazy, so I just think that the ending was that his friend literally was a Martian and went into space. But I don't believe that's possible or anything, so basically... I guess I just believe this was badly written.

Originality: 0 out of 5. I tried to think of a more original category than this, but this story was just so stunningly derivative. Plus, I got to make that joke, so we'll call it even. The future setting of a collapsing America, the asylum setting taken from popular films, and the ending were just so...stupid! I'm sorry, I can't even think of anything more to say about it. I am fucking dumbstruck.

Overall: 1.5 out of 5. I wanted to stop reading this so bad. The long garden path sentences riddled with errors, the stupid elitist tone, the fact that the exhibition didn't stop and the plot didn't start until 3/4 of the way through... Fuck!

If you would also like to "Fuck!" go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.



I meant, like say, "Fuck!" please don't contact me for sex.

Toy Planets

This week I read Toy Planets by James Bishop.

(Link)

Description:

"Latome’s universe is stagnant and without direction. When peer pressure forces Latome to intervene in his universe, the results are not as expected."

Alright so basically this kid has a toy universe that he made. If you guessed it is our universe, you win...nothing because that was obviously where this was going. But that's not a big deal, it's apparent from the start that he created Earth's universe. His brother always gives him shit though, because his most active galaxy is Earth's and there are only two planets inhabited there.

Latome's (that's the kid's name) dad is also really ashamed of him because of how shitty his universe is. It's a little weird, because he just decides to go to the craft store and buy a new planet with an alien race and put it in the universe next to Earth so they'll fight, then everyone stops being mean to him. So this kid was a loser because he didn't go to the store that whole time? Seems like a pretty shitty society. His father seriously disowned him and pretended not to hear his name whenever he was mentioned because he wouldn't buy more aliens to put in his terrarium.

Anyway before he does that though he tries to help the humans by giving them knowledge. They do expand, but Latome's brother says he really won't get anywhere unless he starts a war (which, I already told you but you weren't fucking listening, he does).

The humans get screwed in the war and Latome feels bad. He decides to input the command to eradicate the planet and put the creatures out of their misery.

But it's a bait-and-switch! He actually killed the violent aliens then shrunk himself down and went to Earth and lived out the rest of his life as their savior.

And THAT... is the story of Christmas.

Ratings:

Page Turner: 3 out of 5. This story actually wasn't bad in that it made me want to see what happened. Part of it was that it was about my own planet, and I wanted to find out if the humans made it or not. Part of it was the originality. But to counter that, part of it was my arrogant ass wanting to see how right I was about my predictions. The only thing is, if it keeps you reading, there better be a damn good payoff or I'm going to feel all empty like when I wake up with way too many Mardi Gras beads and my sheets definitely smell like an animal, but there's nobody there but me and all I can remember is flashes of me screaming "DONKEY! DONKEY!" as people shove shots in my direction.

Explanations: 0 out of 5. Unfortunately, this story left more questions than it did answers. Where the hell did the creator people come from? Why are they so obsessed with the way their kids play with toys? What do they even look like? Seriously why the hell do they care so much about their pet aliens, it's like the entire fucking crux of the story and it has no explanation! And finally, why are their toys so important!? Okay, just that, just answer that question please, I don't actually care about the other stuff.

Ending: 2 out of 5. There was a twist, but I almost missed it and thought I had read wrong. But yeah, you remember when I said if it makes me turn the pages there better be a good payoff? Well, that payoff definitely isn't the nerdiest kid around who everyone hates coming to chill on Earth so he can be cool. Okay, first of all, you basically destroyed the whole fucking planet you dick. Second, I was interested in this story because I wanted to see if the humans could make it despite being at a huge disadvantage against an aggressive alien race which you bought at a store specifically to fuck them up. It would have been totally badass if they pulled it off  and you could tell your friends and father to suck it 'cause the boring little race overcame everyone's expectations, but instead the shitty loser kid comes to teach people all the knowledge they lost because of his own dickish actions. Plus, that whole thing is not original, it is literally one of the oldest stories around. Give us something new, and by new I mean not a messiah.

Overall: 4 out of 5. This is one of the best stories I've reviewed, despite my harping on it. I disagree with the ending, but hey it's not my story. I sort of spoiled it for you as I do, but I will actually say for like the first time ever if you feel like it you could read this story and you won't have wasted (that much) time.

If you have a lot of time to waste, don't read it and instead go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Crap Collection: Mysterious Waste

This week is another installment in the Cooper Collection. You know, the brilliant PI that laughed at some jerk bullies when they were crippled in a horrible accident? By Bill Bernico? No? Well anyway, this time I checked out number 104: Mysterious Ways.

(Link)

Description:

"Elliott is served with a subpoena to appear in court as a witness to a murder trial. Justice does not always prevail but in the process Elliott is kidnapped, threatened and told to keep his mouth shut. Meanwhile, Gloria has a surprise for Elliott. It's true, life works in Mysterious Ways. "

I was so happy with the first story, I just had to see if it was a fluke. The description is sort of promising, implying something his wife does will crack the case all Encyclopedia Brown style. But no, the first story wasn't a fluke. This one is shit too!

So amazingly some random guy serves Cooper (now in first person, got that fixed) a subpoena (annoying word to spell but I got it on the first try!) while he is just standing on the street. These subpoena guys are getting fucking good! Then Cooper goes up and shows his wife and goes back onto the street and is immediately kidnapped. Fuck the subpoena guy, these kidnappers are like fucking psychic!

Anyway yadda yadda he gets back to his office and his cop friend is there so they immediately take a drive to try to get Cooper to remember where the place was even though he had a hood on the whole time. Guess what, fuck the kidnappers, because Cooper remembers exactly where it is like a goddamn magician. But there's nobody there.

So he goes to court, they can't use his evidence, then he takes a stop back home where the two lackey kidnappers are hanging around without their boss and beats the shit out of them. Well, in the end (and I am seriously skipping a lot of bullshit to get to the end (you're welcome)) this story proves to be pointless because he testifies in court but the murderer gets off anyway. At least everything is okay now because they beat up some random guys.

BUT life works in oh so mysterious ways because his wife reveals over many, MANY pages that she is.... pregnant.

CASE CLOSED

Wait, won't the kidnappers' boss come back to kill his whole fam-

I SAID CASE CLOSED

Ratings:

Research: 0 out of 5. I can stretch my mind to pretend some of this stuff could happen but it just doesn't feel realistic at all. For instance, when he gets the subpoena it says "SUBPOENA" in "big fancy letters" at the top of the page. No it doesn't. Google image search that shit for like half a second. Then, in court the defender kept saying, "OBJECTION! HEARSAY!" for goddamn everything. And he was saying it when Cooper was like, "Mr. Jigglums hired me to-" "HEARSAY!" "Sustained." Now, I'm no big city lawyer, but I do have a computer with Wikipedia and that isn't hearsay according to thirty seconds worth of research. Seriously, if everything a witness says is just hearsay because you're defining it as "We are hearing him say it right now," why the hell even have witnesses?

Dialogue Tags: 0 out of 5. This happened in the last story too, but I let it slide. This time, it really got on my nerves. Literally the only dialogue tag this guy knows is "he said." It is a really versatile tag, but it has it's limits. Examples:

"Have you seen my purse?" he said.

"NO, MY AYUSSSSSSS!!" he said.

"What!?" he said. "Don't you," he said. "know I can't" he said. "be out past eight?" he said.

He glanced around. There were a lot of people in the line. "Don't let anyone know I have infectious sores all over my body," he said.

Some of those examples are subtle and you might skip over them, but trust me, after a million they really start to sap the flavor from a story.

Actual Detective Work: 0 out of 5. Yep. Cooper did it again. And by "it" I mean nothing, not even his job. Even the evidence he presented in court was useless because his client literally died before he did any detective work whatsoever. Yes, I will grant you that he amazingly remembered where he was kidnapped to, but what came of that? Nothing. Even when his wife takes a pregnancy test and says, "Positive," he asks, "You mean you're positive that you're not pregnant?" All he's really good for is using a gun to disarm someone and then treat them roughly. Or, just laugh at people that are horribly injured, like the last story.

Overall: 2 out of 5. Why 2? I don't know. He doesn't deserve it. He's the worst detective ever. I mean, he came to the conclusion that his family was going to be okay because he simply forgot there was a third kidnapper. Good work, detective.

If you would also like to forget people and, frankly, huge chunks of time, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Ironic Romance

This week I read Internet Romance by Terry Atkinson.

(Link)

Description:

"Sweet Romance with an unexpected ending."

Look at that. Why use a thousand words to describe a two thousand word story? Nice. And get ready for this, because you're not going to believe it. I read this story, and I was all like:

UNCORK THE CHAMPAGNE, I DIDN'T HAVE TO READ COMPLETE SHIT THIS TIME!

So this story is about a self-described spinster, Julia, who one day thinks about her friend who got swept off her feet by Mr. Right and taken away to live a fairy tale life in New York.

Wait, New York is your fantasy? Why in the hell- ohhh you're from South Africa, okay.

Anyway, she thinks about her friend and the awesome life she must have now and decides to get online and find an international man to satisfy her loneliness. She comes back to check her email like two seconds later and BAM! A man from the U.S. wants to meet her. She goes to meet him and they start getting all sexual and then he whips out-



The same line he used on her friend years before. IRONIIIIC!


Ratings:

Making Me Realize I'm Obsessive Compulsive: 5 out of 5. Did you know people outside the U.S. sometimes put quotation marks inside punctuation, and it's totally legit to them? Like this: You might say she gave me a "boner". Since "boner" is the thing being quoted and not the whole sentence, British English is all like, "Let's annoy the fuck out of those U.S. dicks." Other than wanting to physically poke those periods back in, I found myself correcting her English all over the place and making corrections like, "Cross that out, you already said that." If everyone could just be polite and use American English without any errors from now on, I would really appreciate it. Otherwise, I will find you and kill you for being an inconsiderate asshole.

Predictability: 5 out of 5. Or maybe I'm just the kid from X-Files. There was a kid that could tell the future on that show, right? Probably. Anyway, as soon as she was thinking about her friend and how they had lost touch I was like, "Obviously she's going to fall in love with the same guy." And guess what, she did. Next time, be kind enough to hide your plot from my genius. It's grotesque to have your plot all hanging out.

Ending That Was ALMOST Perfect: 5 out of 5. So CLOSE. The ending is like this: "He grasped her little pinkie finger and kissed it, and murmured. 'If everything else is as sweet at this little finger, I'm the luckiest man in the world.'" STOP THERE! That's perfect! Suddenly the line you were so jealous was the romantic fantasy every girl wants has taken on a shade of tacky cliche and represents everything that's wrong with the "Happily Ever After" dream. This story is the best commentary of love it can ever b-

"She whispered to him....The 'K' in 'KC' - does that stand for 'Ken'?" NOOOOOOoooo. We KNOW what it stands for, you don't have to treat us like dumbasses! WE GET THE STORY AND IF WE DIDN'T WE COULD JUST TAKE FIVE SECONDS TO READ IT AGAIN! Dammit. Plus your last line totally fucked with grammar in a way that just shattered the whole illusion. LEARN HOW TO USE QUOTE MARKS BRITI- I MEAN SOUTH AFRICAN PEOPLE.

Overall: 4 out of 5. This is the best story I've ever read. And then given a review to on this blog. I've read much better things outside of here. Just sayin'.

If you would like to read another story worthy of this blog, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Just Write the Story

This week I read Just Call 911 by Alice Gordon.

(Link)

Description:
"Gabriel and I were watching television. We heard a loud noise but continued to watch. The show was a good one “The Walking Dead.” 

We had just gotten up to the part where Sarah was about to be bitten. It was hard to watch and hard to turn away. It was the third time my mother had called. 
“Will you take out the trash?” she said. 
I shouted “Wait till the advertisements.” 
When they finally came I asked Gabriel to go out with me. The garbage cans were full. The night began to storm............. "

Well there's your first problem. The Walking Dead is not a very good show. Unless it got better since I stopped watching it. Which would mean it somehow got less like a soap opera where people in bad makeup get killed once in a while as a respite from the terrifying dialogue. But maybe I just like zombie stuff too much. Damn fanboys.

Anyways, this story was more like the outline of a story than an actual story. It was seriously like, "I went outside and then a guy tried to kidnap me and I got away and then I got caught but I killed the farmer and then the cops didn't believe me and I killed everyone else but all my friends were dead. The end." Seems like I've been reading a lot of these types of stories lately. Maybe Amazon has just profiled me as liking really shitty things. "Maybe you would be interested in the Bloody Mary Ass Spike Butt Plug Plus (now with more spikes)." How did they know?

Alright seriously though, let's get down to the elements of horror, because this is really becoming an epidemic of these fucking indy authors.

1) Suspense- Yeah, I know it's not a mystery novel, but you should still have a healthy dose of suspense for it to be scary. Here's a quick test: When your character has a problem, does it get solved in the very same fucking sentence, over and over again? If you answered yes, please stop writing. Just throw your computer in the trash.

2) The Unknown- If your character goes the cliche route and hitches a ride, does the old farmer immediately say "I'm a cannibal murderer," in a matter-of-fact way? I'm looking at you, Alice Gordon. You should let some mysteries creep up on people. That's why they call it creepy. 

Blew your mind there, eh?

3) Describing Shit- Do you not describe anything ever? STOP NOT DOING THAT. This is actually a good tip for writing a fucking story in general!

Okay now I'm just pissed off.

Ratings:

What the Fuck Just Happened? 5 out of 5. This story didn't give me a chance to be scared. Holy shit I am totally just repeating myself. At least write something that will make an original review! I think I've insulted the hell out of like 5 authors for this exact same thing. Flash fiction is fine, but not when you have more plot points than sentences. First she takes out the trash (fine), then a homeless guy grabs her, she can't get away, then she gets away, then she falls, then two guys are going into her house, then she flags down a truck, then the truck driver says he is working with the two guys who are is sons(Where does the homeless guy come in though?), then he takes her to a rapey farm house and says he's gonna eat her, then she kills the farmer, then she waves down some cops, then the cops find nothing, then she finds her parents dead, then she goes and kills the sons, then she calls the cops with a smartass remark. 

The description that I just wrote down is longer than the fucking story and has more detail.

Visceral Descriptions: 0 out of 5. A lot of sick shit happens, including dicks getting cut off, but none of it even has time to pass through my retinas before it is over. Here's an example:

"When we got to the room he came at me with the knife. I was terrified. [REALLY!? 'I was terrified.' That's the best you can fucking do!?] My hand [sic] were tied and my mouth had duct tape on it [and we just find this out now?] but I swung my body at the meat hook [THE meat hook. You know, the one that is just there]. It hit the farmer and tore up his chest [Physics? And the guy makes not a peep?]. I swung again and the hook fastened into his flesh with his guts spewing onto the floor [Again, physics?].

I ran out of the house.

A police car was passing [Oh, how convenient]..."

All my comments probably increased the amount of action just by making the fucking paragraph longer, which is really the least you could do.

Ending: 0 out of 5. So in the end she calls the asshole cops who think she was pranking them (by the way, great fucking work guys) and says sarcastically, "You were right, cancel that last call." Yes... except now there are like seven people dead and you told the cops not to come after all. I'm not a lawyer, but isn't that, like... a crime? I guess killing the two brothers who you never actually saw kill anyone and who did not attack you is also vigilantism at the very least. But anyways, then she finds the old guy dead who at the beginning of the story I thought was her boyfriend. So really the moral is FUCKING DESCRIBE HIM OR ANY PART OF YOUR STORY OR ANYTHING EVER NEXT TIME.

Overall: 0.5 out of 5. This sucked. It was so bad. I was terrified.

Unless you want me to yell some more, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall 

Please Sue Author

This week I read Please See Attendant by Yvie Towers. I thought I had a good one this week. Sigh.

(Link)

Description:

"What happens when a gas station is a little too convenient? It's one-stop shopping gone wrong in this humorous short."

Wait, humorous!? I totally missed the point. You know when someone is all like, "I had the WERST day today omigah!" and you're like, "Fuck. Quick, brain, think of an excuse to get out of here!" Yeah this story was like that, except fictional. So, totally fucking pointless. Maybe if I had read the description before I would have found it funny or something, like when a laugh track tells you when to laugh, but probably not. Actually no, just not.

Like I said, I thought it was gonna be good. The story has all these stars on Amazon and the descriptions really stuck in my head. Like when the gas station attendant lifts her arm and he sees a ball of deodorant clinging to the hairs there, it definitely added some flavor. This author is not bad at writing, by any means.

So why the hell is that talent wasted on this plot!? Usually I summarize the story, but all I got is a guy goes to a gas station and has to wait a long time, then he forgets to fill up his car, he leaves his coffee on the hood as he drives away trying to avoid the creepy attendant, the elevator breaks at work, and when his car runs out of gas that night he has to walk home. I feel like this author was like, "I should write something like Seinfeld. Yes, I'll be famous!" and then immediately missed the point.

So it's humor, and a series of bad things happens. Then I guess it's supposed to be like The Three Stooges? I think that sort of falls through for a couple reasons. The first being that this isn't the 1950s. Second, nothing physically bad happens to him, just a series of inconveniences that had me rolling my eyes: "Gawd, my coffee spilled on my car-ah!" Finally, I am looking at a bunch of text, so there are no moments where I'm really like, "Bahahaha! He stepped on the rake AGAIN!" But that is an idea. If you're gonna just write down your day that was soooo bad and just add lies, you might as well tell me you stepped on a rake and it hit you in the face, because I just don't give a shit how much of a douche Randy at work is.

Ratings:

First World Problems: 5 out of 5. I think I've used this category before and it is cliched, but it's really the best way to describe what's wrong with this story. I don't want to be an elitist or anything, but it's pretty well established by anyone that has ever sold a copy of anything that short stories are supposed to be about the human condition and shit, not about you getting pissed cause your order was screwed up and there's mayo on your sandwich (actually from the story). ...Actually, this may be the most useful thing about this story, because I seriously need to reconsider my Facebook status updates now.

"My cat sneezed! So cute! But I hope he's okay! :("

Funny: You can probably guess already out of 5. My mind is just blown that I was supposed to find this funny. I mean, someone complaining about a series of things that I have nothing to do with cannot possibly be- wait...

No, yeah, that shit isn't funny. I don't know what the author was expecting me to laugh at. "OH! He dropped his coffee cake between the seat and the door! CLASSIC! WAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Irony: 2 out of 5. So the whole punchline is that he pays for his gas and forgets to pump it then later that night he walks with his gas can to a station and there are signs saying, "Out of gas." Yes, that is ironic, but not in a clever way. You have to have like at least one level of removal for it to be funny, which is why I mentioned Seinfeld before. Like if he got mad at Randy because his sandwich had mayo and threw it at his face, then Randy got mad and filled his gas can with mayonnaise, then when he got to the gas station the lady got offended because she loves mayonnaise but thinks Randy, her boyfriend, ordered her sandwich with no mayo because of her weight, and then the dude suddenly stepped on a RAKE--then THAT'S a story. Mostly because of the rake gag. Seriously, we should bring that back.

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. Again, this author was good at putting sentences together, but there was no actual purpose to those sentences.

If you want to read some stories that totally make good use of the rake thing, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Spooky Forest of- Oh, Wait, It's Over

This week has a spooooooooky Halloween theme. Not intentionally though. Like usual, I just picked the first story I came across: Enchanted Forest of Horror by Emileen Church.

Really, click to look inside! Hah, tricked you! This isn't Amazon, you fool! Here's the link though.

And the description:
"I could hardly believe I had let my girlfriends convince me to join them for the weekend at the Bear Creek Lodge—the site of the Bradley Massacre. Eight years ago, some crazy guy gunned down six hikers in the woods near the lodge before a forest ranger shot and killed him. And now the place has become a playground for urban legends. 

My girlfriends had thought it would be fun to stay at the lodge on the anniversary of the massacre, sharing ghost stories and trying to give each other nightmares. And now, here I was, stranded and alone in an allegedly accursed forest. Just my luck."

Well, as you may have guessed, our friend and protagonist Nicole has a great time in the woods and nothing unfortunate happens. That's pretty much it.

Oh, but she does knock on a cabin door to ask for directions and it happens to be the ranger that shot the murderer all those years ago. About ten seconds pass before he realizes the mysteriously-not-talking-or-interacting-with-anyone man that followed Nicole in is--wait for it--THE GHOST OF THE MURDERERRR! 

The ghost doesn't hesitate to fuck the ranger up, then chases Nicole through the woods. Luckily, or stupidly (depending on your criteria), her friends are driving by at that exact moment and pick her up and everything is fine.

But what about the dead ranger? And aren't her fingerprints on the guy's phone because she- I SAID THE END.

Ratings:

Fashioning Adjectives out of Any Old Thing: 5 out of 5. This girl really likes to add "y" to nouns and just make them into adjectives. Fine, I like to do that with stuff, but usually they're common words like "windy" or it's to be funny, and this is a horrory story. So it kind of read like "Nicole looked around the blacknessy woods and noticed there was a coldy vibe to the air, even though the wind couldn't really make it through the woods because they were really thickly treey and looking at them she hoped they weren't very beary." It just doesn't quite do it, as far as making me scared, you know?

Character Development: 0 out of 5. I have no idea how old Nicole is or what she does or what kind of person she is. All I know is she is scared and has met a ranger who is x age and doesn't like to talk about the murderer he shot. Actually to be fair, when she asks for help she puts on an "I'm cute, help me" voice but that sadly just makes her even more nondescript somehow. Oh, a girl that acts exactly how society says girls should usually act? How interesting *WillyWonkaface*. I just fix this problem in my head by imagining the interaction between her and the ranger played by Megan Fox and Keanu Reeves and somehow that actually makes it more interesting.

Megan Fox: "I am scared." (And sexy.)
Keanu: "Whoa."

Well That Escalated Quickly: 5 out of 5. This story basically went like,

Megan Fox: "I'm lost, I wonder if this guy has a phone. Hey, aren't you that ranger?"

Keanu: "Yes- G-g-ghost! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" (Dead)

Megan Fox: "SHIT! Oh, thank god, I'm saved."

I didn't have any time to be scared, even if she had written in my most deep-seated fear (and invisible cliche ghost doesn't rate very high). The story was over even before I was ready, and long-time readers will know there's nothing I hate more than reading.

By the way, my most deep-seated fear, like many people, is of a man in a fox mask running in and slapping me across the ass with a popsicle, then leaving before I can react.

Overall: 1 out of 5. This was pretty much just a lazy story. I think the girl can probably write if she actually wants to, but she just doesn't want to put in the effort. And, like most lazy authors, she has slapped a huge "DO NOT PIRATE THIS!" label on the beginning. Yes, because that will make you earn tons of money.



If you are also terrified of that cold, sticky feeling, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Cat Story

Actually I've done a few reviews of cat stories, but this one is the best because it's obviously every girl's dream to have sex with her cat. Right? This week I review Dream Cat by Lisa A. Robinson.

(Link)

As you probably guessed by now, it's a steamy romance between a girl and her furry little friend. Ah fine, I won't lie it's not erotica, but it might as well be. In the words of Stephen King, it's along the same lines as the Twilight "tweenager porn" series. Here's a description:
"Leo is a cat shape- shifter who has fallen in love with the girl he is charged to protect. Sarah is just an ordinary girl who often has horrific nightmares… or so she thinks. But as the winter solstice approaches and a certain demon demands the body of a young woman, what will happen?"

Since you are probably already laughing your ass off, my job is done. Let's all get back to watching Dexter.

Okay, fine, I'll put a little more work in, just for you. Actually I don't have any idea who is reading this blog because nobody ever comments, but someone is reading it (probably a bunch of NSA agents) so I'll just keep writing I guess?

I was kind of disappointed by the first paragraph of this story--"Everything except the blood multiple red suns that lights up the sky; they looks so hot, so why is it so cold?" Why indeed. And also what the fuck did you just say?

But later the story gets less terribly-hard-to-read and when I started thinking about it, it could actually rival Twilight. From what I read of that book, I wouldn't put it past her to have an even more mangled sentence than what we just read. Plus, this has all the elements. The boy has supernatural powers but isn't like a creepy gross zombie or something. He takes the form of a much more fuckable cat. He also watches the girl when she sleeps, in a totally also not creepy gross way.

There is a lot of bullshit about her going to high school and being a bookish nerd that nobody likes but she turns that into her preferring to be alone because everyone else is sooo inane and shit, but I'm gonna skip that because it's pointless and go to the end.

So she wakes up to find a guy in her room and then lets him talk her into letting him sleep over the next night to fight the demon in her dreams. Then she like concentrates real hard and something not very exciting happens and wham, bam, she has one less demon and one more boyfriend. And they all lived happily ever- oh yeah and she gets pregnant. Shiiiit.

Ratings:

Just-Just Shhh... Relax and Let it Happen: 5 out of 5. So like two or three times during the story the cat guy reflects on how awkward it would be if the girl woke up to find him in her room. How it would be weird to try to explain to the police that he is fighting demons in her dreams as a cat. Well, in this case, I think the author could have gone with her instincts there--or rather the voice fucking shouting, "THIS IS CREEPY!" Because it was. I don't know what the fuck it is with girls wanting to be looked at while they sleep, but it is probably just as creepy as looking at someone while they sleep. I am being too judgemental. Everyone can have any sort of sexual fantasies they like, it just seems like this one comes from the urge to be exhibitionist suppressed by a huge helping of protestant shame resulting in, "If I can't see it, the sin is not happening." Before you know it, you're blindfolded in an Arkansas rest stop playing "Is it a vegetable?" And, I should know, that's how gonorrhea happens.

POV Switches: 3 out of 5. Seriously, I thought she did a good job with this. She just quickly wrote the name in italics like Bobo the Cat and then went with that character's POV and then switched back to the other. The effect was to give us just enough creepy cat guy POV to the point where we wanted out quick and then switch to creepy nerd girl POV making for a more interesting and much shorter story.

There's no joke here, I sincerely liked that part.

Denial: 5 out of 5. This is a tricky topic to bring up, but this girl forced it on me. She constantly paints her friends in a light that makes them look like dumbass clowns that she only hangs out with for her own amusement. In the meantime she has a fairy obsession and was completely friendless before them. Now, I'm not going for the cheap "HAHA NERD!" laugh here, and she can read as many fairy books as she wants, but if she is in denial enough to think she is actually better than people who like to socialize and speak in vernacular instead of saying, "Pardon me, sir" (literally an attribute she tries to talk up as cool and original in her story) then she deserves a wakeup call. Here it is: If you want a boyfriend you have to stop thinking one will just come along and think you are cool and original for being a pretty average nerd and an arrogant prick to everyone around you. You have to admit to yourself what you really are--Catfucker!

And then join a group for like furries.

Overall: 2 out of 5. I'm probably being a little harsh there because this just isn't my style of story since I'm not an awkward adolescent. But then again, no! Enough is enough with the fucking "let's wait for a boy to come along that's good enough to watch me while I sleep because everyone would call me a whore if I went out to find someone I really like" stories. I've had it with society's immature handling of sex, let's all just fucking grow up!




If you think the word catfucker is funny, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Tell Me What You Read

Today I read Tell Me What You Hear  by Peter Mann.

I wonder if Amazon will ever get pissed at me for hotlinking like every picture in their store...

 (Link)

Description:
"Kate is at the station waiting fro [sic] Mike, her best friend's husband, to arrive. He never does. Instead she receives a phone call she cannot believe; she doesn't want to believe. Will she meet the demands of the caller or will she let her friends down?
From the author of A Shadow in the Flames."

Obviously she gets the call that is like, "I have a British accent and I've kidnapped your friend. Now don't drive below 55 miles per hour or I'll find your wife among these hostages and kill her." But that's fine, I actually figured out this author is British because an American would definitely not be waiting for a train, and he spelled color like coulourue or something.

Plus these action plots are the "in" thing right now, I wouldn't be so quick to say that every plot possible has been- what!? Speed was 20 YEARS AGO!?

That's fine, at least the villain doesn't speak all overly-sophisticated and make cringe-worthy puns. Oh wait. There are all too many lines like this: "'Eight minutes Kate. I hope you are almost there because I can tell you Mike is desperate to speak to his family before he departs this world.' The voice continued with a chuckle, 'One could say he's dying to speak to them.'" Oh god, no, get me out of this story! I'm so scared that I will have to finish reading this!

Actually that's alright, I needed a good laugh today, and it's been YEARS since I was reminded of the terrible puns of Mr. Freeze. 

Peter Mann also needs to be forgiven once you find out the ending to his story, so if you are being quick to judge, then you can just CHILL OUT!

It turns out that when our protagonist, Kate, reaches Mike's wife and hands her the phone she calmly answers it, says a few things, and hangs up. Then she explains that Mike is always up to some practical joke or another.

WAKKA WAKKA!

Seriously though Mike, Kate almost got arrested and then almost died  in a car accident because you couldn't find another way to contact your wife?

Ratings:

Suspense: 1 or 2 out of 5. The tension of this story just didn't add up. There was just a feeling in the back of my head the whole time like, "He isn't in any real danger." Turns out I was right, but in the case that I was wrong and the guy ended up dead or whatever, it still wouldn't have done it for me. I hate to beat a dead horse here, but I really think it was the puns. From when he said, "'You can hear Mike's fine.' There was a child-like chuckle. 'Or should I say confined,'" I basically wanted to throw my computer monitor rather than find out what was happening.

Visceral Sound Effects: 1 out of 5. Now, calm down, I know you can't hear words on a screen, but this story is called Tell Me What You Hear. The villain lets her hear the sound of him lighting a cigarette and supposedly putting it out on Mike's cheek and breaking two of his fingers, but it just misses the mark. Not that those things are pleasant, or that you have to go full Saw to make me feel it. The descriptions are just so short, like, "She heard two popping sounds and some screaming." Come on, Mann, you can do better than that.

Ending: 0 out of 5. At one point the protagonist wonders if she is dreaming and if she'll wake up and have to tell her friends how ridiculous it is that she got so scared because of nothing. I think at that point our author's instincts set in and he decided it would be and always is (no matter what) an awful idea to end a story with "And it was all just a dream." If it's all just a joke, however... NO! That just destroys the whole story. It forgives the author for not writing a believable scenario, because it's just Mike the whole time, but it also makes the story completely fucking pointless. It also ruins the believability of the entire scenario, because if Mike had repeatedly played practical jokes like this, he would have been arrested for causing public panic, or false emergency calls, or something long ago. There are only two possible reasons to make it all a joke: 1) You realize the whole thing seems phony (which it did) or 2) You can't think of an ending.

Overall: 2 out of 5. The story didn't have any glaring mistakes or anything, it just wasn't worth reading because it barely qualified as a story. The only reason it had a beginning, middle, and end was because the end was stuck on there like a dick pic on a politician's text message. BOOM Anthony Wiener SLAM. Cheap. Anyway the point is it just didn't belong, and it made me all too eager to stop reading. You might even say I was dying for the story to be over!

If you want to see the text equivalent of a dick pic, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Vexed

Today I read Next by Bill Bernico. I think this guy just works on the theory that sheer volume will bring success. This is number 75 in this series and they go into the hundreds. You would think that cranking out that many stories about the same detective would reduce the quality....

(Link)

Description:

"Don't you just hate waiting in line for hours for a 60-second ride only to have some bullies cut in line ahead of you? Not much you can do about it, but just once you wish these thugs would get what's coming to them. Elliott and Gloria Cooper encounter two of these bullies at the amusement park. Personally, I just love a happy ending."

So, as you can see this story takes place entirely in a theme park line. But wait, it's interesting, really! He shows off his Sherlock-esque abilities by calculating how many people could get on the ride in the estimated 90 minute wait period in his head! Damn, this guy is like a human. What, you thought I was gonna say something after that, like, "human calculator?" No. I think we all learned to multiply in grade school, right? At least I did, so give me my fucking private investigation license!

But THEN you REALLY see his detective skills when the bullies cut in line and they're all like, "What? You wanna say something?" And the detective's all like, "It's okay, better not make trouble, just let them go." And his lady friend is all like, "No way, you can't cut in line!" and then he's like, "Trust me, I'm a detective, I know that the best way to deal with assholes is to meekly stand aside." So they do.

And then wouldn't you know it, the cutting bastards get on and the ride operator stops the line right at our two protagonists. Just their luck! You'd have to be a detective or something to see that coming!

But then the ride malfunctions and the two assholes crash to the ground. Karma! And then the detective is all, "What? You wanna say something?" Oh SNAP!

Case closed.



Ratings:

Actual Detective Work: 0 out of 5. What the hell? I had my doubts about this story when it was only like six pages long. I was like, "Maybe he solves the mystery really fast?" and then I thought the ride might malfunction and the detective be like, "You see, because of the weight ratio of blah blah I'm super smart," and I was prepared to be like, "What a dick!" But in reality he just didn't stand up for himself and then he mocked someone that got seriously injured. Way to go? Jesus.

Narcissism: 5 out of 5. I kept getting confused about the point of view because every once in a while there would be a "me" or an "I" thrown in randomly. Then I realized this guy wrote the story in first person and then failed to change it all to third person. And this is the 75th time he's done this, so he obviously gets off on being the detective type (oh, AND he sucks at editing). Fine, but in this story the detective tries to impress a lady with mental math and then the guys who he is too scared to stand up to are taken away in ambulances by fate. Obviously Bill just went to a theme park, got mad at the "bullies" who got on the ride in front of him, and took out his revenge the good ol' fashioned nerd way--with his imagination! "*MAGIC MISSILE* DOOOSHH"

Morality: 0 out of 5. First, I have to point out that the two main characters saw the employee entrance and regretted not noticing it before because they could have cut in line themselves. Then, when a guy is taken away in an ambulance with a broken neck they're like, "HAW HAW!" I know I keep harping on that point, and private investigators aren't exactly known for having scruples, but what the fuck is the moral of this story? It should be, "Don't be so harsh on people because their assholery could be a blessing in disguise." Instead it's, "FUCK BULLIES!" YEAH! If you don't believe me, check out where he brags about how much he got those suckers in the description: "Personally, I just love a happy ending." Hahahahaha, yeah, those fucking dicks will probably never walk again after this one!

Overall: 1.5 out of 5. I try to counteract the negativity of my reviews by saying at least one thing I liked about each story. What I liked about this story was




If you would also like to be at a loss for words, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall