Midweek Cowboy

You might get from the obscure reference in my title that I am posting late this week (Yeah, I'm sure somebody both noticed and cared) and that I'm rolling out something sexy.

This week is all steamy and NSFW, you excited? You will be. Honestly I was browsing through stuff I could review when this title caught my eye and, while not so traditional, I just have to do it. I mean, come on, check out the title:
Hot xxx Erotic Sex Stories(Bundle 1) (10 Erotic Short Stories/Erotika/Hot sex/ Gangbang/Anal/Oral/Orgy/Lesbian)

and the cover art:

(Link)

Thank you, Ethan Taylor. Thank you so much for your literary genius. I mean, how on earth you managed to combine anal, orgy, and lesbian all into the same title is... well, it's just beautiful. No other word for it.

So what are we getting ourselves into? In the sake of tradition, I'll let him explain for himself first:

"WARNING: These are erotic short stories for ADULTS ONLY! All characters are over the age of eighteen and the story contains scenes of oral sex and penetration

Featuring erotic juicy scenes, these stories are guaranteed to keep you glued to your Kindle like nothing else!
43,418 words

10 erotic sex stories including:
Addicted To Cum
Cowboy on Heat
Finally Free In The Caribbean
My First Time Lesbian Sex
Mystery Woman
Sexual Symbiosis
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
The Startup GangBang
The Trade Off
To Rise From The Ashes"

Oh them titles. "The Startup GangBang"? I can only imagine a young entrepreneur venturing into the sex industry for the first time—conflict and/or hilarity ensues. "To Rise From The Ashes" is a little more ominous. But, I'm going with "Cowboy on Heat," because, well, on heat, not in heat? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I have to find out, and the answer will obviously be high quality literature.

My first impression of this story about Luke, a small town cowboy looking for help on his ranch, is, well, I can only express it by quoting this line: "There was more than enough work to keep him occupied for the rest of his life, and frankly, he preferred the company of horses to the company of people." Uh-oh. Shit just got real.

Luckily the story quickly turns away from the topic of horses, actually creating some atmosphere in its misspelled and bumbling way, using authentic cowboy language like "belly up" and "handling lariats" in the local feed store (no, not in reference to sex—yet!). And then she walked in. Thank god. Wait, is she a horse? Is she a metaphor for a horse? Is a horse going to be involved in this erotica in any way? I hope so.

Well our protagonist and his newly found help, Jessie (who conveniently brought all of her belongings just in case she would be offered a job at a ranch today), get to know each other and the ranch work is explained and the housing situation and- hey, wait, isn't this story supposed to be erotic? I don't give a shit about what ranchers do or what their houses look like. I mean, here I am, pants unzipped, ready for some action, and all I get is boring bullshit (Get it? 'Cause they're ranchers? HA!).

Well, I'm not going to spoil the rest. Time for ratings.



See how boring things are when you don't talk about the sex? Yes, of course they have sex, much later, after a boring documentary style rundown of cowboy life. But once he gets to the sex, there are (to my delight) some freaking weird word choices. Like "glans." Glans? Really? Is this a sex ed class? And when he cums in her mouth "her tongue and throat muscles sucked the scalding fluid down her throat." What? Excuse me, obviously there is a problem here because this is supposed to be in Luke's point of view, you can't just switch POV to her feeling his scalding semen. And it's kind of unrealistic to have a woman swallow, that never happens.

Oh, oh yeah, and if your semen is SCALDING then you have SERIOUS PROBLEMS. Go to a doctor!

There are of course further scenes of sex filled with awkward imagery. For instance, "He followed close behind her, his erection bobbing in front of him as he ran." I'm so turned on by that picture being scarred into my brain. At least it's hilarious. Then there is some spewing and some crowing sounds and some other stuff, it all gets a little hazy.

Whatever happens is a little overshadowed by the total downer sandwiched between sexings. It gets pretty dark when it switches POV to her again then goes into her past. Her parents died and she started having sex with random guys, whoring herself out for meals and places to stay, and falling asleep with dicks in her mouth (I'm not joking). Then it's revealed that Luke was a cop who got shot a bunch and his wife died and now apparently they're going to heal each other with sex.

What the hell? I thought this was supposed to be an erotic story, not some depressing sad cowboy shit with glans thrown all over the place. I mean, look at the cover of the book—it's a woman's ass! Nobody said it was deeper than that! Well, they did, but you know what I mean. Shit, I'm glad I wasn't using this story as material or I would have a serious cognitive dissonance right now. Like, a sadness boner or something.

And maybe that's what the author was trying to do. To cause us to think about happiness and love and realize that maybe it is just all about sex. Maybe instead of (10 Erotic Short Stories/Erotika/Hot sex/ Gangbang/Anal/Oral/Orgy/Lesbian) he should change his title to (10 Erotic Short Stories/Love/Love/Love/Buttlove/Love/Love/True Love). Maybe this little anthology is even deeper (I'm on fire with these puns) than we all thought.

Ratings time.

For Mastery of English: 1.5 out of 5 stars. If the descriptions of cowboy life weren't so extensive I would think this author is Albanian or something. Maybe he was writing one handed.

For Eroticism: 0 out of 5 boners. I was going to go negative with this one, but I figured maybe it's just not my cup of tea. Maybe wondering what the hell the point of living is and feeling sadness and despair and trying to fill your holes with penis, literally and figuratively, really gets you off. I'm not going to judge.

For The Meaning of Life: 5 out of 5. He has it figured out. Happiness=sex, and who the hell are you to say otherwise?

Overall Score: 1 out of 5. I was so disappoint. It was kinda funny, mostly sad, and not sexy. Honestly I didn't even finish reading it. It really came up short (BOOM!).

See you next week.



If you would like to criticize, shit-talk, and otherwise defame my own fiction, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

From the Web Incarnate

I got one for ya this week. It's called, "From the Ice Incarnate" by Joe Vasicek (the hockey player?) You can get it for free, at least today, here on the Amazons: http://www.amazon.com/From-the-Ice-Incarnate-ebook/dp/B004W9BT5A/ref=la_B0075FD4SS_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1347875117&sr=1-5.

Wicked awesome. Okay, so first let me just tell you that the description for this story is way better than the thing itself. There's more emotion, tension, and food for thought packed into those few lines than any ten pages of this story. Here, read it yourself:

"When Michael Anderson wakes up from cryo at a distant alien star, he has no idea how cold and alone he'd feel. No idea, that is, until his sole mission partner starts to die in the thawing process. 

Twenty light-years from the nearest human being, cut off completely from anyone who could help them, Michael must act quickly to save her—but if passing through cryo is like passing through death, what does that mean for those who come out alive?"


Whoa, dude, that's deep shit, amirite? But the whole message is kind of marred by this guy's inability to use commas. They're sprayed all around like so much vomit this story is fixated upon. And I don't want to be a grammar Nazi, but just what the hell is "a ghost wandering an empty derelict"? I just imagine a tiny little ghost lost inside a homeless man's stomach.

I'll get off the commas thing and talk about the story now. It is an incredibly detailed account of two humans thawing out. And by that, I mean this dude seems to have read an extensive technical manual on how to properly thaw meat. He didn't miss a single step! He could out-write a scientist with OCD on Adderall (no offense to those with OCD or addictions to amphetamines, you're just thorough-ass people). I'm not saying it is devoid of emotion, I mean, at one point the main character said, "Oh, no." I was on the edge of my seat!

The dude did have sweet line, mostly because it was exactly what I was thinking. He mentions the color of the lady's frozen nipples (No, that's not exactly what I was thinking about, hold on a fucking second) and at that point I was like, "Really? Dude? You want to go clear your head before you keep writing because you're obviously preoccupied." But then he writes, "I felt as if I were a morbid voyeur staring at a naked corpse." Yes. That's exactly how we feel about you too.

The best shit doesn't come until the end. He makes an attempt to get all deep right at the start when he talks about the semi-non-dreams you have in cryo. He wonders if that's as close as we can get to experiencing "nothing". Well, buddy, you don't have to be a philosophy student to know that no, if you're thinking about something, it obviously isn't NOTHING. Anyway, he has like one line right at the end that compares being cryogenically frozen to death and takes it a step further, and I won't ruin it for you, but that's when the story started to get really good. And then it abruptly ended.

Ratings time!

Commas: 2 out of 5 stars. Nice, commas, bro. Also, could you use less... ellipses? They really break up the flow.

Frozen Corpse Erotica: 5 out of 5 stars. This story had more frozen nipple than literally anything I've ever read.

Philosophy: 2 out of 5 stars. There were some deep questions, but I was left to contemplate them on my own and the answer was always "No." The main character also asked some philosophical questions to which he apparently said, "Meh," and wandered off looking for a Hot Pocket. His strongest emotion was, "Please, no." That's the same reaction I have when someone asks if I want to hear another polka song. When someone is dying right in front of me I tend to be a little more frantic... although polka is pretty unbearable.

Overall: 3 out of 5. Yeah, that's right. This guy isn't terrible at writing, and I have a feeling he has gotten better since this story. And it was on the right track as far as science fiction goes. Although the title is still fucking over the top. From the Ice Incarnate!


As always, please feel free to attack me personally and tear apart my own shitty fiction at amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall, and I'll see you next week.

Fan Fiction Fri- Tuesday!

First post. I'm sure it can only get better from here. The idea is for me to review some (usually independent) fiction. In the process I'll probably spoil a thing or two for you someday, so shut up, I don't care. 

Okay, so I want to start with some fan-fiction because it's an easy laugh and if you haven't read some I really want to encourage you, it's great stuff. I know you're like, "Sure, go for the poor defenseless amateurs," but really this is the first thing I saw under Harry Potter fan fiction that wasn't a hundred chapters long, so I'm not hedging my bets... much. 

It's called "Mercy" by HazelCharm, and you can find the whole thing here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8511321/1/Mercy.

Well, this story takes place a few years after the end of the last Harry Potter book. Draco has apparently gotten himself into a marriage with a cheating wife and he mopes himself to the park with his son where he sees Hermoine, an unlikely partner in misery.

My first impression of this story is that it's not bad, if you are the sort of person that would enjoy being a consultant for a suicide hotline and listening to a businessman drunkenly ramble about his lost cat or some shit. Not to trivialize the problems of suicidal people or their pets, let me explain. It's meant to be utterly depressing, but the feeling is lost due to the author's long-winded explanations of emotions that read like, "The cardboard felt like cardboard. It looked like it too. He wondered if it actually was cardboard..." It gives the whole thing the feel of a really upbeat and happy sounding song in which the lyrics are about children starving in the third world and bear attacks and AIDS.

In the future of the Harry Potter world, conflict apparently has nothing to do with magic and everything to do with failed relationships—something magic can never fix. Deep shit there. It is kind of entertaining to think of Ron becoming an alcoholic because his brother died. I was like halfway though laughing at that image when he fucking pushed pregnant Hermoine down the stairs and killed her baby. This shit just got real. Draco really hits the nail on the head with his internal dialogue here: "He had killed his own child, just because he didn't want to get a job?" Yes, exactly, it is fucking ridiculous. Pro tip: If your characters can't believe the crazy shit you have just written down, maybe the reader won't either. Really? Pushed her down the stairs? What next, they fall in love and he struggles with how to tell her he has cancer? I do have to give her credit here for saying, "Fuck it, nobody wants a rambling explanation of why their relationship has failed, let's just cut to the fucking chase and make Ron a woman beating, child killing alcoholic and call it good."


But it's alright because both characters shrug it off in the next couple lines like nothing ever happened. This story apparently isn't about Hermoine and her tragic abortion, it's about poor Malfoy and his cheating wife. But she has a solution so simple that it almost seems like the author wanted to keep the story moving but didn't want to go through the complications of boring us with more dialogue (an apparently common theme). Just get a divorce! I'll go with you right now!

And done. "Had it really been that easy?" Draco thought to himself. Man, this character has a knack for saying exactly what I'm thinking. Alright, I guess you have to get to the real story somehow. Why don't you invite Hermoine over for dinner, to your house, where your wife still lives? I'm sure that won't turn out badly. But hey, conflict you can see a mile away is still conflict, right?

But the thing is it never really pays off. In the next chapter, Malfoy's wife does come out and illustrate the author's eloquent mastery of emotion by using all caps to get her point across. CAN YOU TELL I'M YELLING RIGHT NOW? GOOD 'CAUSE I COULDN'T THINK OF ANOTHER WAY TO SHOW YOU I'M MAD!!!1! But she doesn't really give a shit that Hermoine is sitting there.

Her outburst does make Hermoine reflect that the childhood enemy who she has hung out with for at least a couple hours now has completely changed. Now he is decent and obviously a good father. Yes, it is apparent from the three casual mentions of Malfoy's son that their relationship is close and beautiful. Malfoy's wife is also a cheating bitch that conveniently hates her son and there is no way you can see where this story is going, right?

In the next chapter they all go to the zoo together, 'cause, well, SOMETHING has to happen, and you can't just have them making out yet, right? Anyway, you get the idea and that's pretty much the end, for now. Stay tuned to her story for more of this exciting tale. Oh, uh, SPOILERS!

Overall this story has a strange, sort of off balance feel to it. HazelCharm apparently wanted to write a romance between Malfoy and Hermoine (don't we all!) but she didn't want it to be like all the other fan-fics ("You're a wizard, Harry," Hagrid said, and then shoved his barrel-sized...). Her solution appeared to be to develop a more believable romance instead of just piling the characters on top of each other in a sex fest. It's a good notion, but the way she did it was to jam as much conflict as she could into all the wrong places.

It's good that she got Malfoy vulnerable and open to change and realized she needed to get Ron out of the picture to make this all happen. But when a cheating wife wasn't enough she had to up the ante with a son. Something still wasn't right, how about an abusive husband? But the story just wasn't coming, so she went all-in with an old fashioned stairs abortion. The problem is none of these conflicts got in the way of the characters' romance, in fact they all helped it happen. It's like if all I cared about was getting rich and my relatives kept mysteriously dying and leaving me gobs of money. What convenient misfortune!

So now time to make up some sort of stars system.

For, uh, Punctuation and Grammar: 3 out of 5 stars. Most of the shit had periods on it. Actually it was amazingly well polished if you consider that this was fan fiction.

Plot: 2 out of 5. The conflict just didn't match up and it was too easy. If I know exactly where it's going then there's no point in reading it. Except to laugh my ass off.

Style: 2 out of 5. The emotions fell flat on their metaphorical face despite all the emo shit shoved in here. It's not the easiest thing to do, but when you have characters just sort of deadpan things like, "Then he drunkenly pushed me down the stairs and broke my arm and my baby died." And then a line later saying, "Forget about it. What's new with you?" You might want to tweak your story. A lot of the paragraphs were also a bit like reading an encyclopedia entry on the production of white paper. Not even colored construction paper. And then all those words don't help cushion the blow of her sudden realization that he is inexplicably a great father and she is falling in love with him. "He hasn't thrown a racial slur at me once today, he must be a different man." BUT I can not get over the ballsiness of the drama she tried to inject into this story.

Overall: 2 out of 5. Not as bad as I expected. I respect the idea of fan fiction, but that doesn't keep it from sucking across the board. The weird thing about this story is that she relied on the Harry Potter world for no reason. This could be a standalone story, and for that I almost want to give it a 3, but I won't.

That's it for this week. I'll be back next week with another, hopefully more entertaining review of some other independent fiction. Until then, you are always more than welcome to criticize and ridicule my own work, which you can find through my author page at amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.