Monday, August 26, 2013

Gaynamics

Come on now, don't label me as a homophobe right away just because of my immature pun. Read the review first, and then label me. Today I read Dynamics by Maria Santicelli. By the way, her story starts with like a ten page rant about how you can't use it or look at it or even get droplets of it on your kindle until you PAY like a MORAL and HARD-WORKING member of society! I hate when authors are only in it for the money, so please go steal her story and use it for firewood or whatever.
(Link)

Here's a little description she wrote up, just for this blog post:
"Army ranger Ty Black muses about the group dynamics of his camp in general and his all male team in particular. It's not easy living the army life, especially in close quarters.


"Dynamics" is the first part of a series that centers around the life and relationships of army ranger Ty Black and his team mates. Nothing runs ever smoothly for any of them, and when inappropriate, unwanted feelings make their existence known, they find it hard to deal with the consequences. Escalation seems inevitable and all they can do is grappling for personal happiness the best way they can. 

Other installments in the series / suggested reading order:"
Oh no you don't! Get that shit out of my eyes, I haven't even read the story yet and you're scheduling what I read next? A little presumptuous don't you think? This lady has it all planned out with the "step 1: write something I think is better than everyone else's step 2: money" shit. Well, Maria, why don't you focus more on the story than the marketing, eh?

That really is her problem. As I've said before, I wish people would write deep shit about our generation's wars. Not because I am interested in war stories, at all, but because I think they are an important part of finding our humanity blah blah. So I thought this was an okay story at first. It explores the homophobia and sexual frustration of an all male platoon as they go on long missions away from civilization. But I was let down when it became apparent it was all to sell more copies. It's pretty apparent from this passage:

"Still, it would be a great relief if the wannabe Italian male model would just get over his women obsessed pride and tell Hadenfeldt what he fucking wanted from him. Even if the colonel didn't feel the same (which Ty doubted) it would clear the air between them and they could all act normally again. Or as normal as life around Army guys could be. For all he cared the Don't Ask Don't Tell could go fuck itself, because when it came to a guy covering his back or saving his life he couldn't care less which way he swung. All that counted was steady aim and a cool head on their shoulders. And that they didn't hit on him because he liked women, thank you very much."

Did mention this is about Don't Ask, Don't Tell!? Now let's be clear there's nothing wrong with this message--except that it is bald-faced pandering. This isn't a story, it's just a Facebook post looking for likes, with the connected bonus that more likes means more ducats. You can even tell it's not genuine shit because of the obvious misunderstanding of human sexuality. "Hey, those guys are really good friends." "You're right. They must be secretly gay! Which I'm okay with, as long as they don't hit on me, because I only like dicks- NO! I MEAN I HATE VAGINAS! NO!!! I MEAN-"

So, unfortunately, that's all there is to this disappointing story.



Ratings:

Despite Not Having a Plot Still Managing to Have an Ending That Sort of Makes You Think: 2.534 out of 5 stars. So basically the whole plot is everyone thinking everyone else is a gay fag, then at the end it's cold so another soldier sleeps next to the main character for warmth and he gets an erection. That would be a sort of cognitive dissonance type ending, if the story had gone a little deeper than "Those fags are totally gay and just need to admit it." Especially with all the sexual abuse issues in the news lately, this story could have SO EASILY been so much more than jumping on the DADT bandwagon. But it wasn't.

Way Too Many Casually Dropped Names: 5 out of 5 hearts. Every line was like "McGalgin said to Johnson and Johnson that Cougar had left Maverick. And Jay thought, 'That's SO them, amirite, reader?'" And you find out later that that whole thing was just referring to two people and their million nicknames. This story is called fucking DYNAMICS for the group dynamics at play here, but we don't know who the fuck the group is because their name is just glossed over with almost no description as if we are intimately familiar with them. How the hell am I supposed to come to understand the intricate group dynamics if they aren't ever explained and the story ends in three pages?? GAH!

Probably Unintentional Accuracy About Soldiers: 4 out of 5 fags. Maybe I am being too critical, but also maybe the author is also more homophobic than she realizes (yes, women can be homophobic too). The characters were pretty spot on with the whole, "Hey, how long has that water been boiling?" "How should I know, what do I look like, a fucking cooking gay faggot!?" I am still back and forth on whether this is a negative stereotype for our armed forces or an important thing we should think about as a society. Probably the answer is you should BUY THE STORY AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO BUY IT RIGHT NOW ONLY ON AMAZON!

Overall: 3 out of 5 horseshoes. Yeah, the more I write the more mixed feelings I have. I don't really know how to explain it, I mean I should hate the story for my audience, but I can't help myself from liking parts of it, but then that makes me feel so... dirty and guilty but also just so... Oh... oh god, I have an erection.



If you would like to have an erection, you'll probably be disappointed when you visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Monday, August 19, 2013

Craps

Ha I'm gonna get so many hits from gamblers for that. This week I read Lamps by Marie Moorman. Okay, let's calm down on the m's there.

(Link)

Here's her description:
"A short story about Mother/Daughter relationships."

That sounds SO interesting. No, no I should keep an open mind. I wouldn't want to be accused of being a sexist now, and the pastel blue cover with the cursive is...contradicting...my expec- Nah I can't do it. This shit was boring.

I'll just give you a summary because it's effortless and it will fill some space. So a lady goes to visit her grandma because her grandma likes her to take pictures of her new lamps, which is, just fucking the most interesting thing I've ever read, and her mom tags along. BUT her mom and the grandma have an ongoing feud. But when they arrive everyone is cool. But the grandpa has cancer. And the mom decides to help them pick the vegetables in their garden, because, you know, the grandpa has cancer. THE END.

Seriously, that's all. Most boring shit ever.



Ratings:
Yes, I'm serious. There isn't any story left to review. Let's do this.

Worst Grammar Possible For a Literate Person That Can Surprisingly Spell Perfectly Fine: 5 out of 5. All I really have to say about this is, like, you know you don't have to put a comma in every time YOU pause while you're WRITING, right? It's for the reader's benefit, not so that you can take a break. Other than that, I will just let her writing speak for itself:

"After they went, out the door Grandpa turns to me and says 'I hope she doesn't yell at Dorothy, she's only trying to help!'" 

And other than the fact that this is the closest the story comes to conflict ("Oh noooo, there may be some yellin'" [there's not any]), can you spot the flaws? Do I have to point out that there is just punctuation laying around here and there and the tense changes with gut-wrenching speed?

Or how about this:
"I walk around the barn, 'How are we doing time wise?' Mom asks. 'Don't worry, finish what you're doing,' I answer. We should have been halfway back to Rochester by now, 'We're almost done!'" 

Like how in the shit do you confuse me so hard as to who the hell is talking even WITH dialogue tags? Baffling.

And Seriously What the Hell is With the Lamps? 5 out of 5. Can you possibly pick a more fucking boring topic? And you use that as your fucking TITLE!? Here's the sort of torture I have to put up with:

"I didn't know oil lamps were made in so many styles and colors. Grandma finds something different, every year. Hobnail glass, this one looks like it has snails crawling on it, that one has grooves to lay your matches in, Some are so clear they are almost invisible, until you fill them with the amber oil that makes their warm glow of light. Others are tinted, transparent, but softly colored, orange or green, like autumn leaves, or pink, like-" Shut up shut UP SHUT UP!! This isn't even a metaphor it's just fucking pointless!

Oh, Shit, You Should Probably Say You Like This Though, Cause Cancer...: 5 out of 5. Not only does the guy have cancer, but her dedications are like, "Hooooly shit, I feel baaad nooow."

"Dan- Who didn't let his disability stop him from achieving his dream.
Chris- Showed us how to live even when it was hard."
And then:
"In Memoriam - My Sons
Daniel Fogg (1980 - 2002)
Christopher Fogg (1978 - 2006)"

Now you feel shitty, don't you, for laughing at all my jokes about this story. What a dick.

Overall:  2 out of 5. Hey, I know it's cold but I'm not going for the pity upgrade. It's a cruel world, and this was seriously a boring as shit story. She sums it up best with another of her million dedications:

"To My Dad- Who bought me my first camera and told me I could do anything."

Yeah, that's right, she's a photographer. Her dream isn't even writing! COME ON!



If you want to read the stories of someone who really does dream of being a writer but falls far, far short of that and every other life goal, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall