The Shit

Today I read The Pitch by Adriaan Brae. You got too many vowels in your name, bro.

(Link)

Description:

"A light-hearted, satirical, look at the troubles faced by con artists in a more enlightened age."

The story is almost as short as the description, but a much larger waste of time. Also, I have no idea why there is a broken light bulb for the cover. Maybe it was a bad idea to write this story? HAH, take THAT guy who will never see this and doesn't have a chance to defend himself!

I think there were actually more grammar mistakes than words in this story. It's super easy to fix in three simple steps:

1) Read your story after you write it

2) Is there a space after every fucking opening quote mark, like this?---> "   Bob shit his pants--hard." If so, take out the fucking space.

3) If your sentence somehow manages to have any fucking punctuation at all, is it hanging outside the quote marks, like this?---> Craig sniffed. "   Did you just shit your pants"? If so, tuck that little bastard back where it goes; it's obscene to just have it hanging out there, flapping in the wind.

Anyway, in this story, the super forgettable main character with the personality of a white cardboard cutout gets a strange call on his skull implant. It's in the future, and the author really wants us to know how many cool things he thought of, like ads in your skull and--whatever, who cares?

The man on the other line offers him everlasting life for ten percent of his income until he dies. If you guessed religion, you win! It goes on like this with the caller trying to sell religion and the guy making "funny" remarks. For instance:

"   What do you mean I need to follow certain rules" ?

"    Like you can't sleep with men.".

" What ab5out hermaphrodites"   ? &

Wakka wakka?

It turns out the guy doesn't accept and it is revealed that the caller is a struggling con-artist trying to run a scam he got from the ancient con-artists. RELIGION SLAM!

Ratings:

Clever: 1 out of 5. First, all credibility is ruined by the horrible typos. I can't harp on that enough. There's also the fact that this story is like five words long, which is a good indicator that this Adriaaanie guy couldn't think of anything else. The jokes were also almost as bad as the 90's classic "Laughing out Loud"

Buy it used on Amazon for $0.01 (seriously)! Yes, that's Kelsey Grammar.

Back on track. The premise of this story is also not very clever. It's the old and tired "Let's deconstruct religion into what it literally is for some larfs," gimmick. But at that it's not worth the thirty seconds I spent reading it, especially because it assumes we'll all just abandon religion once we have computers in our brains.

Setting: 0 out of 5. I got to say I have a problem with just listing shit until the reader is bullied into realizing it's the fucking future (both in the sense that I do it too much and in the sense that I hate when other people do it). If it reads like: "Joe Spaceliver put on his nanosocks and strapped his plasmadildo to his cryobelt and stepped across the platform to the bulkhead of his spacepartment, then palmed the fazelock to his antigravmagnetodoor which whooshed up to futurereveal the spacecitytropolisplanetscape-" I GET it already, we're in the FUTURE fuck.

Subtlety: 0 out of 5. The guy might as well have called up and said, "Hey, do you want to join my thinly-veiled satire for religion?" and the story could have ended there. For it to be funny or neat or whatever the hell this was going for, I have to make it more than two paragraphs before I'm like, "Oh, he's making fun of religion. God, what time is it? Don't I have better shit to do?"

Overall: 2 out of 5. I don't even know why that many points. Maybe because he was polite enough to stop after a short time. I would say because it's at least legible, but it almost isn't. Points for trying to be clever, I guess.

If you want to read something that is obviously trying to be clever, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Movie Action

I know I said I wouldn't do another movie this week, but I saw so many good movies that I just had to share. I settled on Machi Action by director Jeff Chang.

This movie is about the actor that plays Spacehero Fly (Bolin Chen) and his best friend Monster (Qiu Yan Xiang). For a while their Power Rangers style TV show is a hit, but after ten years their ratings are terrible. The CEO of their network steps down and hands over the company to his daughter (Guo Xue Fu). She decides to call in a Japanese expert to revamp the show, leaving Fly and Monster replaced by the new, hip "Face" (Owodog).

This movie is pretty fucking brilliant if a little disjointed in places. There is a villain (some guy who was forced to play the bad guy when he was a kid and just got the shit beat out of him by the other children wearing Fly masks) but he only shows up like three times. When he does show up, it's usually entertaining because he does stuff like robbing kindergartens on tuition days while the kids are stoked that the villains from their favorite show are playing with them. Another time highlights how much this movie satirizes Taiwan--they rob an English cram school during a performance. Funny because he asks the teacher how much for an English lesson and she says 25,000 dollars, so he says, "Fuck you," and a little boy repeats, "Fuck you." It's supposed to be funny because he's giving a free English lesson, but really it's just hilarious to watch little kids swear. Small "heh" moments like these accumulate through the whole film, but aaanyways, now, proportionally, this post has more of the villain than the actual movie. Let's get back on track.

This movie has so many great things about it: Funny cameos, references, and completely random shit (like an Orgazmo poster in the background--awesome). They got the Power Rangers parody down pretty damn well. They even have the spandex-clad foot soldiers that sit around in their own group and don't really talk but make sounds exactly like the putties from Power Rangers. You know, this sound:

Damn those girls are hot. And as a kid I never really appreciated the writing. An environmental message AND multiple puns for taking out the trash? Brilliant. Oh yeah the Machi Action--so anyway for random shit it struck me as hilarious when the Japanese guy came in and asked who the hell these guys were and they just made their putty noises and one lifted up his arm and for some reason they pixelized his arm pit hair. Haha what the fuck?

Face is also a brilliant rival for Fly because where fly was the old-school, clean-cut hero with a mullet, Face is the new, hip, effeminate, eyeliner-wearing, singing and dancing Asian superstar type. And his name is Face. After Fly's last episode where he is brought to his knees by a spray of toxic lotion by Monster and then dissolves into space protein (I can't make this shit up), Fly and Monster try to make ends meet by doing the home shopping network selling Tiger Penis (another awesome Taiwanese reference). Meanwhile, Face is boosting the image of the new Spacehero by doing music videos. I can't say enough about how perfect this character is, but if I keep going we get into the realm of shit which is shit that you have no idea about.

Alright, but my favorite part BY FAR was when Fly went around trying to get acting gigs and failing because his acting style consists of only ultra-dramatic movements. At one point he shows his previous commercial work from an ancient VHS, and they are mildly funny with his superhero movements and mullet, but I cracked up for like five minutes straight when he did a parody of my favorite Taiwanese commercial in history. Get ready, because I found that shit on the Youtubes:

Other than the funny parts, this movie actually has a really serious message to it, which is nice. It turns out Fly and his little brother worshiped the Spacehero that came before, and his little brother wasted away and died while Fly was promising to be a hero for him. It's also revealed that the CEO of the network has kept the show on the air for so long because he believes that some shows are important because of their message, no matter the ratings. I have mixed feelings about how they handled all this, but it left me with a generally warm feeling, so why not.

Ratings:

Best Scooter Scene Ever (Of Which Taiwanese Movies Have a Hell of a Lot): 5 out of 5. So Fly is told he is the worst actor ever by a porn director and his love interest rides back with him to comfort him. From the back of his scooter she starts to sing the Spacehero Fly theme song and he breaks down into the most hilarious crying face ever and joins in. Both touching, a huge reference, and fucking funny as hell (Yes I used "both" for three things. You got a better word!?).

Sound Effects Ruining Things: 3 out of 5. Not everything in the movie was funny, and what may have been funny originally was often ruined by sound effects. I don't know why Taiwanese TV and sometimes movies feel the need to add like "Boioioioing!" randomly while I'm watching shit. Yeah, Indian movies do it too, now that I think of it. Like the porn director with his hand stuffed casually down his pants is mildly funny until there is a big uncorking sound effect while he pulls it out to shake hands.

Wandering Storyline: 3.5 out of 5. I enjoyed most of the things that were jammed into this movie, but it was pretty lengthy and I felt like I had come out of a blackout sometimes when I was suddenly like, "Who the fuck is this actress? Oh yeah, he's in love with the makeup artist from half an hour ago."

Overall: Also 3.5 out of 5. Nah...4. 4 out of 5, because I just remembered it was pretty funny when he did his home shopping network pitches and then commanded, "CALL!" while wearing a Power Rangers suit.

READ! amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Au Gratin Taipei

I just watched Au Revoir Taipei by director Arvin Chen.

So I was like, "This kinda seems like Superbad, but toned down for Taiwanese audiences." I mean, look at Jack Yao here:

Now look at Michael Cera:

I mean, I guess his jacket IS zipped up, and a different color. And that subway is much less crowded than the one in Au Revoir Taipei. But it just seems sort of similar, I mean, who is this Arvin Chen gu-HEY! The director isn't even Taiwanese!

Anyway, this is the same sort of misunderstanding-with-the-police-and-criminals-causes-a-night-time-adventure-through-the-city film that Cera is always in. If he could speak Chinese, I bet he would have been in it. It does a pretty good job with the characters, though, defying most of the Taiwanese stereotypes all the other movies have (because the writer is fucking American, probably). The wannabe gangster is effeminate and in touch with his emotions, giving his kidnapee advice on love. Susie (Amber Kuo), the love interest, defies her little girl looks to lead Jack Yao chasing after gunmen and running from the cops. Kai (Jack Yao) doesn't ever grow the balls to stand up for Susie (except once, but he hits like a sissy and gets punched to he ground immediately). And the dumb convenience store worker/friend is- no wait, that's pretty accurate--but he gets a pep-talk from like everyone to go for it with the girl he works with and he doesn't, which is refreshingly real.

The cop character is pretty good too, I mean, check out his CHIPs hair and leather jacket!

Plus a dumb chubby sidekick? Nice. The cop also gets left by his girlfriend and you think it's going to be another Hong Kong formulaic thing where he's either too badass for his woman or gets her back (actually let's face it, YOU don't think that because YOU don't watch a bunch of Chinese movies for no reason) but he ends up being so inept at his job that he loses Kai when he spots his ex and ends up in a hilarious shoving match with her date.

Oh yeah, I never said what the plot is. Uh so Kai's girlfriend goes to France and he spends all his time in a book store teaching himself French where Susie works and tells him he can't just sit there and read shit for free. His girlfriend leaves him and he makes a deal with a gangster he knows for a ticket to France to win her back. Hijinx ensue. Yeah, it's a date movie, take your girlfriend. Or rent Superbad.

Ratings:

Cool-Looking Shit: 5 out of 5. The cinematography is pretty good. And check out these gangsters:

Sappy Love Shit: 3 out of 5. Again, love story. But the cop and the convenience store worker don't get their girls. Also, the ending is pretty good, considering you know there's going to be love involved. Basically, though, there is enough mildly funny/interesting shit happening for it to not be hijacked by the love thing.

Me Posting Funny Shit: 0 out of 5. What happened here? Alright, I promise I'll find a terrible fanfiction or something to review next time.

Overall: 4 out of 5. Yeah, not bad. Superbad was better. Have I mentioned that you should see Superbad? God I love Michael Cera.

If you want to read some erotica with Michael Cera in it, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall