Bored Now

This week I read Home Now by Suzie O'Connell.

(Link)

Description: "A year ago, Robert's wife passed away. Now, with little else but the memories of her to fill his days and haunt his dreams, he longs to be rejoined with his beloved Edie.

"Heartbreaking but hopeful.... an intense read. Terribly delightful." – Joseph Schwarz, Smashwords Customer

Approx. 1,400 words"

I love the juxtaposition there, as if the guy is reviewing a novel--"an intense read"--and then: Approx. 1,400 words. I want to meet this Joseph Schwarz and ask him what he thought of Cat in the Hat. "Well, you better be ready to call in sick to work, because it's a detailed masterpiece that you just won't be able to put down."

Anyway, I'm glad it was short, because I saw the cover and got really drowsy. Actually the descriptions are *almost* beautiful and very detailed, but verging on too much. That's where the bulk of the words come from, because I will describe the story to you now, and as you'll see, nothing really happens.

An old guy misses his wife. His son comes to visit, then goes home. The old guy feels lonely and wants the pain to go away, then his wife comes and says, "You're home now." The rest is literally just flowery (again, very nice) descriptions of like the skin on his hands and stuff.

Sooooo.....Ratings:

Conflict: 0 out of 5. Again, I don't know what the hell Joe is talking about when he says, "an intense read," because the dude is pretty much lonely then he dies, and nothing unexpected happens. Okay, and that even sounds way more bleak than the story actually is. He reflects on how well his life went, how his son was perfect and successful and his grandson was too. When his son comes to visit, it is clear that they are a freakishly functional family. "I love you, son, and I'm proud of you." "Thanks, dad, I love you too." It's just unrealistic. I'm glad we have a little uplifting story here, but this dude is a rancher, he's not going to just share his feelings with his rancher son like a post-modern school counselor who wants people to sculpt their true heart animal out of clay. This is an opportunity for conflict! The old man should struggle with how to express himself! And you just fucked it up with your hippy bullshit.

Anything Happening: 0 out of 5. Yeah sure the dude dies that night, but it happens in the least conflictory (is that a word?) way possible (see above). So even that doesn't really count as something happening. What kills me though is that all these words are spent on descriptions, just barely escaping from the trap of looking like the author needed to beef up an empty story, when she passed up a perfectly good chance to make something happen. I'll explain. When the son gets there, the old man wants to take a walk in the snow, and the son says, "Are you sure? It's slippery outside." Then literally the next thing that happens is the son is driving away.

WHAT THE FUCK? That was a perfect chance for dialogue--for action! No, just introduce this character, then have him leave immediately so we can describe how beautifully lonely this old guy is some more via his own thoughts. I'M ON THE EDGE OF MY FUCKING SEAT HERE.

Predictables Within Cliches: 5 out of 5. Seriously, I'm pretty sure even you knew this old guy dies at the end and you didn't even read the story, but could she say anything more stupid at the end than, "You're home now." ...!? I mean say ANYTHING FUCKING EL-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Overall: 3 out of 5. Like I said, it was well written, just missing some like really essential parts, and it's not really my thing. I'm more into man-in-an-alligator-suit on snake erotica. That's right, I'm a Scaly.




If you're into unhinging jaws too, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall