The Disgusting Storyteller

This week I read The Disgusting Christian by Paul Ladamens.

(Linkel!)

Descripty:

"... only God knows what is in your heart and you can not lie to him

The Disgusting Christian is an uplifting short story (approx 1800 words) that touches on many themes of daily Christian life.

Follow the unamed narrarator as he solves the mystery of The Disgusting Christian and why he should strive to live like him.


The tone of the story is humorous and self deprecating however the message of God's love and salvation for us all rings clear."


Huh? Why did you begin your description with "..."? What happened right before that? Or you just couldn't decide where to start?


Anyway, if you're like me you're like, "How can you have an uplifting story that is character focused like this in 1800 words?" I mean, sure, it's possible. This guy's answer was to say, "Show, don't tell? Fuck that!" Seriously this reminds me of when I just describe an episode of a funny TV show to my friend and I can just see them like, "When is this guy gonna stop!?" but I CAN'T stop because I can see I'm failing to convey just how funny the episode was, so I have to give more details and just push it further and further until I have spent literally longer than the episode telling him/her what happened in the episode while there is a laptop sitting right next to us.


Soo.... this is a story about a crappy Christian judging another crappy Christian, basically. Oh, I almost forgot, there is this strange thing that he introduces right in the first line of the story, but it isn't the focus at all:

"I was a teenager when I first heard the Voice of God in my head."

You would think that would be important, but it doesn't really come up. Instead the important part is what he says a few lines later:

"The last thing I wanted was to hear what God had to say. I was too busy with my teenager life. I wanted to drink, chase girls, smoke, and play cards with my friends."

I bolded the teenager life thing because it's just hilariously phrased. But the point of this was that this guy is obsessed with the fact that smoking, playing cards, and drinking make him a horrible Christian. He's always like, "My mom was always telling me to stop drinking, smoking, and playing cards in the house." "Church was okay but I liked smoking, drinking, and playing cards." Seriously dude, NONE of the ten commandments has anything to do with those things. Yes, it's a good idea to stay away from drinking, smoking, and gambling (although with this story he might be talking about Uno), and it's kind of shitty to just like smoke and gamble in your mom's living room, but if you think these things make you a horrible Christian you might not be fully getting it. Maybe I just live the life of a sinner though.


So anyway the church assigns this kid with a mentor (churches have mentor programs that pair you with some old guy now?), Patrick (you guessed it, he's an Irish guy), who "had a way with young people." Patrick is basically there to tell this kid it's good he hears voices in his head and not answer questions: "I asked my mentor Patrick what he thought but he only shrugged his shoulders." Good job, Patrick.


There's also another old guy that goes to their church that stands in front praising Jesus and weeping and the kid wants to know what his deal is. Of course, Patrick doesn't know or can't be fucking bothered, so he asks the assistant pastor, Tim, who "was selfless in his good works," etc. Tim promptly explains the dude is an asshole, saying, quote, "He's not Christian at all, he is a liar! He disgusts me!" Dude what church do you go to where playing rummy is not cool but the assistant pastor violently talking shit about the congregation is just fine?


Apparently the old guy is an asshole at work, so the main character confronts him. The guy says he is praying for strength to change every Sunday, then, Lo! It's a miracle! The dude changes after a year of "trying," inspiring the main character to change and not judge people yadda yadda.

I just had to explain that far because I love how he wraps it all up: "If we love God and wish to honor him and keep his laws, then he will know."


So the moral of the story is try not to rape and murder people, and if you mess up, God will know your intentions were good! (Just don't drink, smoke, or play cards.)



Ratings:
Use of Commas: Hilarious out of 5. There are too many places to list, but I'll give you a little taste:
"How can I do good Lord?" 
...I think you mean, "How can I do Lord well."

Choice of Role Models: 0 out of 5. First he choses a guy who gave no other advice than "listen to the voices," then a guy that contradicts his entire life path as a holy man, then the guy that wails in church in the hopes that it will help him stop being a dick. Nice job.

Engaging Storytelling: 0 out of 5. This wasn't a story, it was a terrible personal essay. This was the only time I've ever read something that could almost qualify as flash fiction, yet I was still thinking, "How many pages are  left on this bitch? When is it going to end!?"

Overall: 1 out of 5. It had a beginning, middle, and end. :)


If you would like to read something that has at least two of those qualities, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

The End of Fiction...Again

This week I read The End of Days...Again by Joseph Coley.

(Link)

Here's the description:

"Andrew Wyatt and his friend Brian King just wanted to take a relaxing day down by the creek when they were pulled under...and emerged in a world that was familiar and terrifying at the same time.

A 6,000 word short story that evokes a "Twilight Zone" feel and makes you wonder...could you deal with the end of days...twice?"

Well, that says it all. Time for ratings.

Okay, fine, I'll explain. This story was pretty "meh," if I don't say so myself. It didn't evoke a "Twilight Zone" feel because there was no ironic ending or anything. And it didn't really make me wonder about anything. Actually it did make me wonder about one thing. The story begins with him repairing his friend's 1911 .45 and this gun, which is called by its full name like this each time, becomes the center of the entire story. At first I thought we had a gun nut on our hand, but then the writing started to sound like the informal, crack-jokes-under-stress writing style of Mark Tufo's Zombie Fallout series. This made me wonder if the guy is a military guy, and surprise! he is (there is basically no fucking way this guy hasn't been reading those books). So, I don't feel so good about making fun of the more military aspects of this story. See me supporting the troops, bitches!?

That being said (Curb Your Enthusiasm, anyone?), this guy's style at its best is pretty much a copy of Mark Tufo, so you might as well just read his books (pretty entertaining, actually). Also, I feel like everything is needlessly limited to this military point of view.

It doesn't add anything, except the thing that defines this guy from Tufo: A super long exposition that I don't give a shit about. If it's not important to the story, I don't care how much you know about guns, what medals you won, what unit you were in, what unit your friend was in, what unit your wife was in, how long you served, etc. etc. unless you can integrate it smoothly to add flavor. (Again, no disrespect to those who have served us). It's just like, maybe your character has been a cabinet maker all his life, that's all fine and good to have his profession defined, but I don't want to hear about what tools he uses to carefully carve the dovetails and why he chooses them over housed joints blah blah unless the guy fucking saves his family from a river by making a raft using dovetail joints, or traps the zombies in a big ass cabinet and becomes a hero.

So after like 3000 words he ends up in a post-apocalypse world where nobody is alive (except his friend who promptly commits suicide WITH aforementioned 1911 .45 pistol). But that's it. The next 3000 goddamn words are just repetitive descriptions of the blood-red moon. YES! It's RED! Like BLOOD! I GET IT! There is no explanation ever given of how he got there, why the world is like that, or even what comes of him. You realize what you did to me, guy!? That's like if I gave a huge description of getting ready for a party and all the friends I went with for 3000 goddamn words, going into the specifics of my profession let's not forget, and then gave a lengthy explanation of each drink I drank, what it tasted like, and how long it took to drink it, one after another, then just stopped and said, "That's it." Nothing else, just wasting your fucking time. Not even a single handjob in the whole fucking story.

Ratings.

Writing Style: 0 out of 5. I already mentioned that at best this guys style will eventually just be the same as that other guy, but there is also the fact that he has huge, awkward, clunky sentences. My second guess after military guy was very young writer, because this guy just hasn't figured out how to write yet. But when I clicked on his author profile and it was a guy in fatigues I lost a little hope for him someday falling into his own. Could still happen.

Editing: 0 out of 5. EDIT YOUR FUCKING STORY. I don't want to be reading and then

     suddenly there's a paragraph break for no reason! Just read through it like_once!

P.S. It's called "present perfect tense," look it up. Not to be a bitch about grammar OR editing cause god knows I have typos all over the place.

Descriptions of the Post-Apocalypse: 5 out of 5. Nah, I'm just fucking with you, they were pretty dull. "The sky was red, but the ground was black, and the red didn't reflect on the black, and the moon was even MORE red." Yeah good job, buddy. Oh, also I went on and on about this in another post, but I really want someone to write a story that's a well-thought-out metaphor for the Iraq or Afghanistan war. I mean, what other reason would there be for going on and on about your military background?

Overall: 2 out of 5. Not unreadable, but I think given my record it's pretty clear I would read a story about cardboard boxes. And I think this guy might actually keep with it and someday be good at this. Maybe.


If you want to read the works of an author that will never ever be good at this, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Write Knight

This week I read White Night pun? YES! LOLOLOL! By Ryan S. Fortney.

Here's the pics:

(Link)

And here's how he describes it:
"Another one of my extremely short stories, fabricated by the dawn of alcohol inebriation and the early morning star.

Sex so good, it kills."

Haha okay dude, let me just give a couple marketing pointers (cause I obviously rock at selling shit). First, "extremely short": actually....keep that, it's one of the main reasons I decided to read this. Okay, but telling everyone one, "I was totally fucked up when I thought of this idea when I stayed up until like morning," is maybe not such a good idea. And then just the line, "Sex so good, it kills." Huh? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Haha okay fine, it's your space to describe your product, not mine.

So actually I realized from the first line of this book that this guy was a much better writer than ALL clues led me to believe so far. He is actually really good at descriptions. I especially liked "My hips smack upward with the sound of flesh packing like an audience of one applauding slowly with gradual increase." That image, at least, will make my sex life much more hilarious.

But where this guy is good at descriptions he really is lacking in ideas. I'll just go 'head and spoil it for you because I just warned you fair and square and it's my THING! Haven't you been READING this blog!? Alright so slitting someone's throat at the point of climax is not original--neither in fiction nor in real life. And then, Ryan, after you blew your load way too early on killing the lady right at the beginning, you had a mess on your hands. Yeah, it's kind of interesting to see how he will try to get rid of the body, but he just instantly is like "yeah I'll just dump it in the river." Fine, throw away a perfectly good conflict. But then the cops come! Okay here we go! But no wait, they just immediately catch him. But then he bites his false molar and, uh, magic, escapes. Alright, fine, now we got a chase! But then he is hit in the back of the head and dies, the end. I- wai-whu-huh?

See, Ryan, like your main character, you habitually kill the thing that gets the reader off. That's why your story is too short! Then what do I got to review? I just have to go like straight to ratings.

Ratings:

Unnecessary Deus Ex: 3 out of 5. Yeah it was fully in there, and what I mean by this is he magically escaped the cops only to immediately die. But why this gets downgraded is I have no fucking clue what happened. I'll read it to you: "My teeth clench together and a capsule buried within my furthest back molar erupts and at the same time metal twists and transforms into a ball of orange, throwing back my captor and most likely killing his comrades." What? Did his face fucking explode and leave him completely unphased? I don't get it! Someone explain to me what happened and where I can get one of those fucking awesome molar implants!

Descriptions: 4 out of 5. Like I said, they were just pretty damn good. I also like how the dude describes himself at the end with his contact info and everything like a true indie pro (oxymorons, YEAH!). I'm cheating a little when part of his downgrade is for the bewildering molar thing, but also for his cheesy line in his bio where he says, "My name is Ryan, but you can call me Batman." Ha, does your mom just die at that joke!?

Disappointment: 5 out of 5. The plot was disappointing, the lack of conflict was disappointing, the fact that the title just came from a line in the story about the moon being his only witness, his "cratered White Knight in the sky" or something just nearly shattered my skull with disappointment, but above all the "and then he died because I couldn't think of anything" fucking ending. I am just... beyond words at that shit.

Overall: 2 out of 5. Maybe less, but let's be fair, if I give him less than some of these other stories on here, well, why even HAVE a rating system!? Maybe I should think of another scale...

If you would like to read some stories that on a scale of one to ten are...not horrible, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall