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Description:
"It was another day in my life that was simply unlike anybody else’s. I have been on the run since I was a kid. Running from demons, not my demons, but demons. When I got on yet another bus to try and keep the demons at bay, I expected it to be like any other bus ride, a safe haven from these demons that everyone says are just in my mind.
"It was another day in my life that was simply unlike anybody else’s. I have been on the run since I was a kid. Running from demons, not my demons, but demons. When I got on yet another bus to try and keep the demons at bay, I expected it to be like any other bus ride, a safe haven from these demons that everyone says are just in my mind.
Now, on a hot and crowded summer holiday weekend I am on a bus full of screaming kids and broken air-conditioning. If I don't shake this feeling of being watched, I am sure I will have to resort to something to finally end this suffering and the demons forever. The question really is, will I be able to control the demons. Find out in this new science fiction horror short story by Frederic Ayers."
That description is actually probably more detailed than the actual story. The guy is haunted by demons that only attack him when he is alone, but he gets on a bus and for the first time ever they attack everyone on the bus. The guy sitting behind him holds his hand, then fires a strange weapon and the demons go away.
The man then explains that the demons are beings from another dimension, attracted to a few humans like magnets, but when normal humans are around the pull is not strong enough. He also explains that he was firing the gun at our protagonist and not the demons, to reverse his polarity. Then, he gets into a black car that pulls up out of nowhere.
But before he goes, the protagonist grabs his arm and sees that he has the same cherry branch tattoo as himself. Why do these guys have a cherry branch tattoo? Isn't that like a patently female tattoo? Whatever, maybe they just want to look like sexy drifters, it's not for me to judge. Oh yeah, and obviously the older dude is the protagonist from the future. Spooky!
The End.
The man then explains that the demons are beings from another dimension, attracted to a few humans like magnets, but when normal humans are around the pull is not strong enough. He also explains that he was firing the gun at our protagonist and not the demons, to reverse his polarity. Then, he gets into a black car that pulls up out of nowhere.
But before he goes, the protagonist grabs his arm and sees that he has the same cherry branch tattoo as himself. Why do these guys have a cherry branch tattoo? Isn't that like a patently female tattoo? Whatever, maybe they just want to look like sexy drifters, it's not for me to judge. Oh yeah, and obviously the older dude is the protagonist from the future. Spooky!
The End.
AND then the old guy gives him a package and inside is his treasured pocket watch. Why is it always a pocket watch? Then the guy is like, "Wait, is that me from the future?" Uh, yeah, we're all one step ahead of you dude what the fuck.
The End.
Ratings:
Least Exciting Slaughter Ever: 5 out of 5. Not only does this guy do that annoying shit I always bitch about where half the story is just telling us about his backstory and nothing is happening, but when the action does get started it is some of the most disconnected and boring shit ever. My summary above might as well be the original story. In fact, I might get sued for plagiarism for that little synopsis. In this story, demons wrench open the top of a bus like a tin can and start systematically slaughtering people as they get closer and closer to the protagonist. But again, what I just said right there had more action and adjectives than the actual events. This shit reads like, "Then they tore open the bus and started killing people. There was some screaming and blood. I didn't know what was happening." Fuck! MAN! Give us some blow-by-blow action here! Who was screaming? What did it sound like? Where was the blood coming from? What did any of this look like? What did it sound like when the top of the bus was yanked off? Describe anything!
Nothing is Explained: 5 out of 5. I can understand that like science fiction and time travel are mysterious and there are reasons you can't tell your past self shit or something blah blah whatever. But you can at least tell us why you can't tell us something. There is no explanation for why the demons attacked a crowded bus once and only once. There is no explanation for how his future self got this technology or where he is going or...anything! And if you want us to come to the conclusion on our own, that you don't want to fuck up time by telling everything, then why the fuck did the old man not say anything to the protagonist all mysterious-like and then ruin it all by giving him a fucking clever little package with his watch inside all like "Maybe Santa is real!" If anything, that's what would fuck things up the most. Just couldn't help himself? No, I'll tell you why it all played out this way. The author doesn't know or give a fuck about the details. It is clear by how few details were actually included throughout the story. He just wanted demons and a clever ending and was too lazy to fill in the rest properly.
Actually There Were a lot of Details About All the Wrong Things: 5 out of 5. The backstory was boring, but this author was clearly really into it. He spun quite a tale about how he is so special because he sees demons and nobody understands him so he became a hardened drifter. Again, all of this was removed a step by a healthy tell and don't show buffer of reflecting on the past and summarizing events, but there was still quite a bit of detail wasted on this telling and not showing. He also really wanted everyone to know what the city and the bus smelled like. He went to massive efforts to describe it, although he eventually failed because he broke down into saying that it was a smell he just couldn't quite place. But it was a bad smell. Oh, I assure you, it was the stinkiest of stinks. Now, after all that effort, maybe a reader could expect that the smell plays a part in the story? Nope. Not important. Doesn't come up again at all. Instead, you just have the really predictable transition from the subtle but cliche, "There was something familiar about this old man," to, "Something REALLY familiar," to, "REALLY REALLY FAMILIAR LIKE FAMILY BUT EVEN CLOSER," to beating you over the head with, "And he had the same tattoo, but why would he have the same tattoo as me unless he is me but that's impossible because I am me," to the final addition for mentally impaired readers, "and then he gave me my own watch but I have my own watch so he HAD to be me!" Maybe, and this is just a suggestion, maybe it would have been more subtle if the effort wasted on describing the smell was used later in the story where it really would have counted.
Overall: 2 out of 5. Back to the drawing board, dude. Actually someone could probably make this idea into an alright story, although not a very clever one.
If you want to see some more ideas that someone else could make into a good story, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.
Nothing is Explained: 5 out of 5. I can understand that like science fiction and time travel are mysterious and there are reasons you can't tell your past self shit or something blah blah whatever. But you can at least tell us why you can't tell us something. There is no explanation for why the demons attacked a crowded bus once and only once. There is no explanation for how his future self got this technology or where he is going or...anything! And if you want us to come to the conclusion on our own, that you don't want to fuck up time by telling everything, then why the fuck did the old man not say anything to the protagonist all mysterious-like and then ruin it all by giving him a fucking clever little package with his watch inside all like "Maybe Santa is real!" If anything, that's what would fuck things up the most. Just couldn't help himself? No, I'll tell you why it all played out this way. The author doesn't know or give a fuck about the details. It is clear by how few details were actually included throughout the story. He just wanted demons and a clever ending and was too lazy to fill in the rest properly.
Actually There Were a lot of Details About All the Wrong Things: 5 out of 5. The backstory was boring, but this author was clearly really into it. He spun quite a tale about how he is so special because he sees demons and nobody understands him so he became a hardened drifter. Again, all of this was removed a step by a healthy tell and don't show buffer of reflecting on the past and summarizing events, but there was still quite a bit of detail wasted on this telling and not showing. He also really wanted everyone to know what the city and the bus smelled like. He went to massive efforts to describe it, although he eventually failed because he broke down into saying that it was a smell he just couldn't quite place. But it was a bad smell. Oh, I assure you, it was the stinkiest of stinks. Now, after all that effort, maybe a reader could expect that the smell plays a part in the story? Nope. Not important. Doesn't come up again at all. Instead, you just have the really predictable transition from the subtle but cliche, "There was something familiar about this old man," to, "Something REALLY familiar," to, "REALLY REALLY FAMILIAR LIKE FAMILY BUT EVEN CLOSER," to beating you over the head with, "And he had the same tattoo, but why would he have the same tattoo as me unless he is me but that's impossible because I am me," to the final addition for mentally impaired readers, "and then he gave me my own watch but I have my own watch so he HAD to be me!" Maybe, and this is just a suggestion, maybe it would have been more subtle if the effort wasted on describing the smell was used later in the story where it really would have counted.
Overall: 2 out of 5. Back to the drawing board, dude. Actually someone could probably make this idea into an alright story, although not a very clever one.
If you want to see some more ideas that someone else could make into a good story, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.
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