Spooky Forest of- Oh, Wait, It's Over

This week has a spooooooooky Halloween theme. Not intentionally though. Like usual, I just picked the first story I came across: Enchanted Forest of Horror by Emileen Church.

Really, click to look inside! Hah, tricked you! This isn't Amazon, you fool! Here's the link though.

And the description:
"I could hardly believe I had let my girlfriends convince me to join them for the weekend at the Bear Creek Lodge—the site of the Bradley Massacre. Eight years ago, some crazy guy gunned down six hikers in the woods near the lodge before a forest ranger shot and killed him. And now the place has become a playground for urban legends. 

My girlfriends had thought it would be fun to stay at the lodge on the anniversary of the massacre, sharing ghost stories and trying to give each other nightmares. And now, here I was, stranded and alone in an allegedly accursed forest. Just my luck."

Well, as you may have guessed, our friend and protagonist Nicole has a great time in the woods and nothing unfortunate happens. That's pretty much it.

Oh, but she does knock on a cabin door to ask for directions and it happens to be the ranger that shot the murderer all those years ago. About ten seconds pass before he realizes the mysteriously-not-talking-or-interacting-with-anyone man that followed Nicole in is--wait for it--THE GHOST OF THE MURDERERRR! 

The ghost doesn't hesitate to fuck the ranger up, then chases Nicole through the woods. Luckily, or stupidly (depending on your criteria), her friends are driving by at that exact moment and pick her up and everything is fine.

But what about the dead ranger? And aren't her fingerprints on the guy's phone because she- I SAID THE END.

Ratings:

Fashioning Adjectives out of Any Old Thing: 5 out of 5. This girl really likes to add "y" to nouns and just make them into adjectives. Fine, I like to do that with stuff, but usually they're common words like "windy" or it's to be funny, and this is a horrory story. So it kind of read like "Nicole looked around the blacknessy woods and noticed there was a coldy vibe to the air, even though the wind couldn't really make it through the woods because they were really thickly treey and looking at them she hoped they weren't very beary." It just doesn't quite do it, as far as making me scared, you know?

Character Development: 0 out of 5. I have no idea how old Nicole is or what she does or what kind of person she is. All I know is she is scared and has met a ranger who is x age and doesn't like to talk about the murderer he shot. Actually to be fair, when she asks for help she puts on an "I'm cute, help me" voice but that sadly just makes her even more nondescript somehow. Oh, a girl that acts exactly how society says girls should usually act? How interesting *WillyWonkaface*. I just fix this problem in my head by imagining the interaction between her and the ranger played by Megan Fox and Keanu Reeves and somehow that actually makes it more interesting.

Megan Fox: "I am scared." (And sexy.)
Keanu: "Whoa."

Well That Escalated Quickly: 5 out of 5. This story basically went like,

Megan Fox: "I'm lost, I wonder if this guy has a phone. Hey, aren't you that ranger?"

Keanu: "Yes- G-g-ghost! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" (Dead)

Megan Fox: "SHIT! Oh, thank god, I'm saved."

I didn't have any time to be scared, even if she had written in my most deep-seated fear (and invisible cliche ghost doesn't rate very high). The story was over even before I was ready, and long-time readers will know there's nothing I hate more than reading.

By the way, my most deep-seated fear, like many people, is of a man in a fox mask running in and slapping me across the ass with a popsicle, then leaving before I can react.

Overall: 1 out of 5. This was pretty much just a lazy story. I think the girl can probably write if she actually wants to, but she just doesn't want to put in the effort. And, like most lazy authors, she has slapped a huge "DO NOT PIRATE THIS!" label on the beginning. Yes, because that will make you earn tons of money.



If you are also terrified of that cold, sticky feeling, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall