This week I read Just Call 911 by Alice Gordon.
(Link)
Description:
"Gabriel and I were watching television. We heard a loud noise but continued to watch. The show was a good one “The Walking Dead.”
We had just gotten up to the part where Sarah was about to be bitten. It was hard to watch and hard to turn away. It was the third time my mother had called. "Gabriel and I were watching television. We heard a loud noise but continued to watch. The show was a good one “The Walking Dead.”
“Will you take out the trash?” she said.
I shouted “Wait till the advertisements.”
When they finally came I asked Gabriel to go out with me. The garbage cans were full. The night began to storm............. "
Well there's your first problem. The Walking Dead is not a very good show. Unless it got better since I stopped watching it. Which would mean it somehow got less like a soap opera where people in bad makeup get killed once in a while as a respite from the terrifying dialogue. But maybe I just like zombie stuff too much. Damn fanboys.
Anyways, this story was more like the outline of a story than an actual story. It was seriously like, "I went outside and then a guy tried to kidnap me and I got away and then I got caught but I killed the farmer and then the cops didn't believe me and I killed everyone else but all my friends were dead. The end." Seems like I've been reading a lot of these types of stories lately. Maybe Amazon has just profiled me as liking really shitty things. "Maybe you would be interested in the Bloody Mary Ass Spike Butt Plug Plus (now with more spikes)." How did they know?
Alright seriously though, let's get down to the elements of horror, because this is really becoming an epidemic of these fucking indy authors.
Alright seriously though, let's get down to the elements of horror, because this is really becoming an epidemic of these fucking indy authors.
1) Suspense- Yeah, I know it's not a mystery novel, but you should still have a healthy dose of suspense for it to be scary. Here's a quick test: When your character has a problem, does it get solved in the very same fucking sentence, over and over again? If you answered yes, please stop writing. Just throw your computer in the trash.
2) The Unknown- If your character goes the cliche route and hitches a ride, does the old farmer immediately say "I'm a cannibal murderer," in a matter-of-fact way? I'm looking at you, Alice Gordon. You should let some mysteries creep up on people. That's why they call it creepy.
Blew your mind there, eh?
3) Describing Shit- Do you not describe anything ever? STOP NOT DOING THAT. This is actually a good tip for writing a fucking story in general!
Okay now I'm just pissed off.
Okay now I'm just pissed off.
Ratings:
What the Fuck Just Happened? 5 out of 5. This story didn't give me a chance to be scared. Holy shit I am totally just repeating myself. At least write something that will make an original review! I think I've insulted the hell out of like 5 authors for this exact same thing. Flash fiction is fine, but not when you have more plot points than sentences. First she takes out the trash (fine), then a homeless guy grabs her, she can't get away, then she gets away, then she falls, then two guys are going into her house, then she flags down a truck, then the truck driver says he is working with the two guys who are is sons(Where does the homeless guy come in though?), then he takes her to a rapey farm house and says he's gonna eat her, then she kills the farmer, then she waves down some cops, then the cops find nothing, then she finds her parents dead, then she goes and kills the sons, then she calls the cops with a smartass remark.
What the Fuck Just Happened? 5 out of 5. This story didn't give me a chance to be scared. Holy shit I am totally just repeating myself. At least write something that will make an original review! I think I've insulted the hell out of like 5 authors for this exact same thing. Flash fiction is fine, but not when you have more plot points than sentences. First she takes out the trash (fine), then a homeless guy grabs her, she can't get away, then she gets away, then she falls, then two guys are going into her house, then she flags down a truck, then the truck driver says he is working with the two guys who are is sons(Where does the homeless guy come in though?), then he takes her to a rapey farm house and says he's gonna eat her, then she kills the farmer, then she waves down some cops, then the cops find nothing, then she finds her parents dead, then she goes and kills the sons, then she calls the cops with a smartass remark.
The description that I just wrote down is longer than the fucking story and has more detail.
Visceral Descriptions: 0 out of 5. A lot of sick shit happens, including dicks getting cut off, but none of it even has time to pass through my retinas before it is over. Here's an example:
"When we got to the room he came at me with the knife. I was terrified. [REALLY!? 'I was terrified.' That's the best you can fucking do!?] My hand [sic] were tied and my mouth had duct tape on it [and we just find this out now?] but I swung my body at the meat hook [THE meat hook. You know, the one that is just there]. It hit the farmer and tore up his chest [Physics? And the guy makes not a peep?]. I swung again and the hook fastened into his flesh with his guts spewing onto the floor [Again, physics?].
"When we got to the room he came at me with the knife. I was terrified. [REALLY!? 'I was terrified.' That's the best you can fucking do!?] My hand [sic] were tied and my mouth had duct tape on it [and we just find this out now?] but I swung my body at the meat hook [THE meat hook. You know, the one that is just there]. It hit the farmer and tore up his chest [Physics? And the guy makes not a peep?]. I swung again and the hook fastened into his flesh with his guts spewing onto the floor [Again, physics?].
I ran out of the house.
A police car was passing [Oh, how convenient]..."
All my comments probably increased the amount of action just by making the fucking paragraph longer, which is really the least you could do.
All my comments probably increased the amount of action just by making the fucking paragraph longer, which is really the least you could do.
Ending: 0 out of 5. So in the end she calls the asshole cops who think she was pranking them (by the way, great fucking work guys) and says sarcastically, "You were right, cancel that last call." Yes... except now there are like seven people dead and you told the cops not to come after all. I'm not a lawyer, but isn't that, like... a crime? I guess killing the two brothers who you never actually saw kill anyone and who did not attack you is also vigilantism at the very least. But anyways, then she finds the old guy dead who at the beginning of the story I thought was her boyfriend. So really the moral is FUCKING DESCRIBE HIM OR ANY PART OF YOUR STORY OR ANYTHING EVER NEXT TIME.
Overall: 0.5 out of 5. This sucked. It was so bad. I was terrified.
Unless you want me to yell some more, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall
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