The Sham

This week I read The Plan by Nikos Kalpakis.

(Link)

Description:

"Leo is being groomed for a life of crime and violence by his vicious stepfather. He can see his whole life flash before his eyes and he doesn't like what he sees. He comes up with a Plan. A very dangerous Plan that will bring everyone around him, on the brink of destruction."

Why is Plan capitalized? Is it like The Final Solution? And shouldn't it be to the brink of destruction?

That really sums up the whole story there, but I'll tell you the plot anyway. So this Greek kid is handed a gun by a junkie at the beginning of the story who wants to get rid of the evidence by stupidly having the kid's fingerprints on it or something.

But nothing ever comes of that. The kid, Leo, goes home and his fat dad, Mario, is eating pasta. Yeah, that's not cliche or anything. But at least it allowed me to imagine a world where Mario--you know, the Mario--goes on to become a wife-beating human trafficker and Princess Peach is his battered heroine junkie wife. Because seriously, how else are you gonna make money if your idea of plumbing is beating the shit out of turtles all day?

Anyway, Mario tells Leo to be at the brothel that night to help with the deal with "the" Russians. So far, so lazy. BUT Mario says that he has a big surprise for Leo, and Leo suspects he might know about "the Plan." Oooooh tension.

But Leo figures he is just going to force him to help gang rape the new sex slaves. I'm not joking, I wouldn't make such a crass rape joke. I'm so pissed off I had to clarify that to you, what kind of classless maniac do you think I am?

Seriously though Mario raping someone? That's just silly.

Between the conversation with Mario and the meeting, Leo goes to practice THE Plan, which involves throwing beer bottles and knives at a building. (Just, like, spoilers--he doesn't use any knives in the actual PLAN).

So the deal goes down, and basically Leo knocks a gangster out, steals the drugs (wait, I thought they were sex traffickers?), jumps out the window, locks everyone in the building, then sets everything on fire and steals the money from the Russians he kills outside.

His junkie mother is also tied up in his trunk and he takes her to rehab, then he asks himself what a young man does when he has just robbed the Russian mob.


He goes to college, of course!

Seriously that is his answer. What the fuck? I would totally not go to college. Like, why? You're going to spend all your money on college? But you already have money?? Obviously you invest it in a safe mutual fund.

Ratings:

Edit This Shit, How Many Times Do I Have to Say It!?: 5 out of 5. This wasn't a completely fucking awful story for a beginner, but seriously, there is a grammar mistake IN YOUR FUCKING DESCRIPTION. Nobody is going to read this, or anything else you write now. They probably won't even read anything I write because I reviewed this shit. I know I gripe about grammar, like a fucking lot. I am like the Rush Limbaugh of complaining about grammar, but there's a reason, and that reason is I'm trying to fucking help everyone get past literally THE EASIEST THING TO FIX TO MAKE US ALL LOOK MORE PROFESSIONAL. Jesus.

Opportunities Wasted: 5 out of 5. Remember when Leo suspected that Mario knew about the pLAn and the me reading was all like, "Oh shit I just filled my pants with ice cubes. Which would have been totally nice but then I shit on them out of fear of creepy Mario"? And then remember when nothing ever came of that? Well, SOMETHING SHOULD COME OF IT! Instead this kid just pulled off his plan perfectly without any hitches or conflict. Not only that, he took his mom to rehab AND went to college! What is this whitebread shit?

No. I'm not letting you off the hook. Remember where that deal went down? That's right, it was at a brothel filled with innocent sex slaves. And Leo burned that shit to the ground after he trapped them all inside. Go to college with that on your conscience. I hope you major in philosophy, bastard.

Unnecessary Descriptions: 5 out of 5. The description of his mom cooking and looking older than her years from being battered, followed by the creepy description of Mario were good. I thought I had finally landed a good story here. But then this guy started describing literally everything. Sometimes more description drags out the tension, so he's got the right idea, but if you describe something, it should have a purpose--ESPECIALLY in a story emphasizing the critical small details in a "THE PLAN." But his descriptions were seriously like, "Leo stepped into the office, the short but smooth fabric of the carpet brushing against his black shoes, each double knotted. There was a filing cabinet, a desk, a door, a window, and a trash can. On the desk there was an unopened letter, an accounting book, an advertisement for a pizza place, a clock, a telephone, and a dildo. The dildo was about nine inches, blue at the hilt with transparent blue rubber on the head through which could be seen a ring of ball bearings that presumably spun around when the little remote was turned on. It was cordless, which was impressive, but the blue remote matched the dildo so Leo knew they were a set. It had a faint trail of smoke still hovering over it like someone had just overused it. Almost like a smoking gun. Then he walked out of the office. And never went back. And nobody ever used or mentioned the dildo around Leo, nor did he mention it to them or think about it."

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. I feel like this author wouldn't be so bad if he went over his story more than once and let some other people read it so they could say, "Hey, you have a great potential conflict you just completely pass up here. I mean, like, how the fuck did you miss that? Good thing you had anyone with eyes read it, meaning me." Unfortunately, he didn't do that. Damn kids.

If you want to find out what happens with the smoking dildo, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall