Defilation

This week I read Dehydration by Grayson Queen.

(Link)

Description:

"The planet's water supply is contaminated. What is left is being guarded by the military. But what does it matter when that will be eventually consumed too?

This is a story of the last few days in a city without water and the accepted fate of one man who wasn't interesting or important enough to be on any ration lists."

Basic water trope story.

But first! Check out this guy's profile.

That picture is pretty amusing. That is the face of a man who just sharted. I actually almost thought I could like this guy, until I saw his other picture:

Uhhh what the hell? Is the dead eyes thing a theme of his or does he just naturally have dead eyes? And did that guy seriously photoshop a mask on himself, smirking with anticipation the whole time he took the picture? Or is it one of those Japanese photobooths where you paste random crap all over your pictures? Do they have those in the U.S.? Seriously check it out:

Best. date. EVER.

Also, it's worth reading this guy's author bio just for laughs:
"Grayson Queen is a full-time novelist and painter located out of Orange County, California. His artistic passions range from deeply philosophical to unusual science fiction and fantasy.

In his free time, Grayson dabbles with music, sculpture, and various explorations of geek culture. He is happily married to a dinosaur, and is happily owned by two amazing cats."

Wait, full-time novelist? Then why is this story filled with typos? And painter? Please tell me he did the brilliant cover for this story. And this story wasn't really unusual science fiction or fantasy, so it must have been deeply philosophical? So what was the deep philosophical question--what should you do if you run out of water? And the answer is kill yourself? Wait, he does that other stuff in his free time, but he just jacks around when he's on the clock too? Finally, "happily owned by two amazing cats." Either he is saying he lives with his parents (probable) or he is one of "those" people. Look...I know some people REALLY like cats, but cats seriously aren't people. And fine, it's a common joke to say your cats own you... for a middle-aged lady, not some dead eyed dude in an Atticus Finch suit.

Oh yeah, this guy wrote a story. So, all of the water gets contaminated and the military declares martial law and confiscates all the bottled water to ration, so the dude goes thirsty. He mentions that the animals have it in their blood from the ground water so you can't drink their blood (countering the very first thought I had) and that alcohol dehydrates you (tell that to ALL of our European ancestors who made it across the ocean) so there is basically no choice left. Except suicide. Which is the option he goes with.

The end?

Yes.

Ratings:

Choose a Tense Bro: 5 out of 5. I'll just let you read the first two sentences of the story:

"I watched a homeless man spray window cleaner into his mouth.

I check my lips with my tongue, and they're still dry and cracked."

See how jarring that is? Turns out it is just an experimental style; he has past events of desperation alternated with the present. I get that, but when you do it, it has to have a purpose. There has to be a why to the experiment. This isn't like that time you decided for no reason to upload (for all the world to see) the picture where you photoshopped a superhero mask to try to hide your creepy soulless eyes. By the middle of the story, he is just telling the past in both the present and past-tense, and by the end he just says he is going to kill himself, which could have been done in any tense since he doesn't even do it in the actual story. There is nothing really visceral about it, no reason. I'm saying I want to see him kill himself in the present tense.

Point to This Story: 0 out of 5. Look I get that apocalypse stories are all the rage now, but that's because they have hope that humanity can overcome and all that bullshit. I appreciate that this is a unique one too--a virus in the water that for some reason cannot be boiled out--and I like that it is humorous--water forces itself drooling out of your mouth, tear ducts, and sweat glands--but it is basically that one good idea immediately followed by "Fuck it, no hope. Gonna kill m'self." So much wasted potential here. If you don't believe me read Jam by Yahtzee Croshaw (better yet, get the audiobook).

Vest: 5 out of 5. The dude really does have a nice vest in that picture. I think I'ma buy me one.

Overall: 1 out of 5. Even with how pissed I am that this story idea was completely fucking wasted, I'm not giving it such a low score just out of anger. It really doesn't even qualify as a story. It ends so abruptly before any character development or conflict or any of that "tellin' a story" stuff. It's all exposition and no climax. It's like if I did a review and wasted most of it talking about the author before suddenly ending it.








If you want the climax (you know what I'm talkin' about) shoot me your a/s/l at amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall