Here's a thing that describes why I chose to review this:
"Assigned to write a homework paper on a family pet, a young girl turns-in a moving essay of sadness... and of a not-quite-understood horror."
I had to read that twice because I didn't know what the hell it was talking about. Turns out the story is similar, but much, much worse--like if you wrote random words on a piece of paper then cut it up, then put that in a blender, then dropped it on the floor and left it for your mom to clean up.
At first I felt bad cause I was like, "What if some little girl actually wrote this?" No, it was just a lazy, lazy, horrible, fucking insane person. Spoilers for the end of this review--I'm just going to say it was the worst piece of shit I've ever read. And have you SEEN the shit I've read!?
Alright, I'll try to give you a plot synopsis. A schizophrenic person hallucinates that one day she finds a cat and this becomes a fixation that she repeats over and over until something happens and she stops seeing the delusion. Maybe the daily electric shock worked?
That's about it, except yeah it's supposed to be a little girl, but seriously if this is from the point of view of a little girl, this author either has never met a child or has only met extremely disturbed children. This reads like one of H.P. Lovecraft's characters trying to describe the terror of seeing Cthulhu while on cough syrup and suffering Alzheimer's on top of the normal Cthulhu-induced brand of insanity. Oh, and Cthulhu is a cat.
Here, I'll give you a sample paragraph so you can see:
"Well I don't know where he came from one fall he just came right out over there at my house after school on our front steps right there and came out to see us kids! And he was an orange and black little boy-type kittycat is what he was but he had some grey stripes on him too but mostly he was getting pretty much skinny for a kittycat and if you looked really hard on him right there you could see all those ribs of cats that they have in them sticking out right there on his sides on him right there! And I'm not even making up that part!"
And it gets worse. That was the first paragraph of the story. By the end I was seriously doubting reality. I mean, nobody could have just smeared shit onto a document like this and published it on Amazon, right? My brain is gone and I'm sitting in a nursing home right now imagining that i'm making clever jabs at people on the internet while I'm really muttering about cats to my nursing assistant while she wipes my ass.
I know this was supposed to be all cutesy and gimmicky and shit like when an autistic kid writes a book that is a best seller, but, see, the difference is that the autistic kid really wrote that book himself and had interesting insights, whereas this story was written by a full grown asshole and it comes off as if that asshole thought they could fool us by writing whole paragraphs like, "The cat, the cat, and the cat right there, the cat, he, he right there, he, the cat right there! and then my mom, and then the cat, the cat he did right there, the cat, and then the faces right there were screaming at me through the wall while I was trying to sleep." That's not cute, you're a lazy fucking dick, and I hate you, "Jilly Jacks."
GOD!
Ratings:
Having the Elements of a Story: 1 out of 5. If I really stretch and think about it, wading through the endless bullshit and giving unlimited benefit of the doubt, there is sort of a beginning, middle, and end. But seriously this is comparable to a full grown man purposely drawing like a child and attempting to sell it to me, but with none of the creativity of an actual child. There is almost no dialogue, no real conflict, no characterization, no- fuck, there's nothing. It's SO shitty. Trust me, don't read it.
Funny and Cute: 0 out of 5. I can't reiterate enough how badly this missed the mark. This is like finding a homeless guy and dressing him like a little girl to try to make him adorable. It's seriously disturbing and I'll tell you why:
Ending: 0 out of 5. Suddenly at the end the little girl finds the cat's collar and, well actually I'll just let you read it.
"Found his little red collar with no bells in it either.
Oh yes I did and it wasn't even red anymore it was partly brown like DRIED BLOOD BROWN and it was cut right through not ripped torn it was CUT RIGHT THROUGH like a CUT and I found it right in the trash behind the garage of our house back there."
Uhh what the hell? Suddenly we go full psycho. And those caps are the author's. The little girl just fucking finally lost her mind at the end there, and fuck subtlety, we need CAPITAL LETTERS to substitute for actual plot because up until this last paragraph there WAS NONE.
Overall: 0 out of 5. That's right, z-e-r-o. I already said it, but I'll say it again. This was the worst piece of shit I've ever read. There was nothing creative about it. It was like being fed an entire box of packing peanuts, one by one, without water.
If you want something more on the level of a box of crackers without water, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall
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