Craps

Ha I'm gonna get so many hits from gamblers for that. This week I read Lamps by Marie Moorman. Okay, let's calm down on the m's there.

(Link)

Here's her description:

"A short story about Mother/Daughter relationships."

That sounds SO interesting. No, no I should keep an open mind. I wouldn't want to be accused of being a sexist now, and the pastel blue cover with the cursive is...contradicting...my expec- Nah I can't do it. This shit was boring.

I'll just give you a summary because it's effortless and it will fill some space. So a lady goes to visit her grandma because her grandma likes her to take pictures of her new lamps, which is, just fucking the most interesting thing I've ever read, and her mom tags along. BUT her mom and the grandma have an ongoing feud. But when they arrive everyone is cool. But the grandpa has cancer. And the mom decides to help them pick the vegetables in their garden, because, you know, the grandpa has cancer. THE END.

Seriously, that's all. Most boring shit ever.

Ratings:

Yes, I'm serious. There isn't any story left to review. Let's do this.

Worst Grammar Possible For a Literate Person That Can Surprisingly Spell Perfectly Fine: 5 out of 5. All I really have to say about this is, like, you know you don't have to put a comma in every time YOU pause while you're WRITING, right? It's for the reader's benefit, not so that you can take a break. Other than that, I will just let her writing speak for itself:

"After they went, out the door Grandpa turns to me and says 'I hope she doesn't yell at Dorothy, she's only trying to help!'" 

And other than the fact that this is the closest the story comes to conflict ("Oh noooo, there may be some yellin'" [there's not any]), can you spot the flaws? Do I have to point out that there is just punctuation laying around here and there and the tense changes with gut-wrenching speed?

Or how about this:

"I walk around the barn, 'How are we doing time wise?' Mom asks. 'Don't worry, finish what you're doing,' I answer. We should have been halfway back to Rochester by now, 'We're almost done!'" 

Like how in the shit do you confuse me so hard as to who the hell is talking even WITH dialogue tags? Baffling.

And Seriously What the Hell is With the Lamps? 5 out of 5. Can you possibly pick a more fucking boring topic? And you use that as your fucking TITLE!? Here's the sort of torture I have to put up with:

"I didn't know oil lamps were made in so many styles and colors. Grandma finds something different, every year. Hobnail glass, this one looks like it has snails crawling on it, that one has grooves to lay your matches in, Some are so clear they are almost invisible, until you fill them with the amber oil that makes their warm glow of light. Others are tinted, transparent, but softly colored, orange or green, like autumn leaves, or pink, like-" Shut up shut UP SHUT UP!! This isn't even a metaphor it's just fucking pointless!

Oh, Shit, You Should Probably Say You Like This Though, Cause Cancer...: 5 out of 5. Not only does the guy have cancer, but her dedications are like, "Hooooly shit, I feel baaad nooow."

"Dan- Who didn't let his disability stop him from achieving his dream.
Chris- Showed us how to live even when it was hard."
And then:
"In Memoriam - My Sons
Daniel Fogg (1980 - 2002)
Christopher Fogg (1978 - 2006)"

Now you feel shitty, don't you, for laughing at all my jokes about this story. What a dick.

Overall:  2 out of 5. Hey, I know it's cold but I'm not going for the pity upgrade. It's a cruel world, and this was seriously a boring as shit story. She sums it up best with another of her million dedications:

"To My Dad- Who bought me my first camera and told me I could do anything."

Yeah, that's right, she's a photographer. Her dream isn't even writing! COME ON!

If you want to read the stories of someone who really does dream of being a writer but falls far, far short of that and every other life goal, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall