Eternal Discomforts

I just read Eternal Needs, and boy do I feel weird now. It's by Anne Connery (no relation).

(Link)

Here's a description which will immediately make clear why I decided to read this:

"A lone survivor adapts to a zombie-filled world where the Undead possess hunger of a different sort. 

A short story that's part erotica, part horror and ALL Anne Connery."

As I was reading this description I was all like, "Another zombie story, yaw-WAIT, erotica? Someone really wrote this and it's not a joke? Let's do this!"

But on a side note, Amazon keeps suggesting erotica to me ever since I did that review of the sexy cowboy story, which makes me sort of uncomfortable. I want to like write them a letter like, "Hey, I just got that one story so I could make some jokes. And the zombie one too, same reason. And the lactation erotica. And the animal one. Okay, the three animal ones. But seriously stop suggesting- what's this? Mermaids? Okay, this is the last one though, only because I think it will be funny. Seriously."

But if you want some more where that came from, the author of this story is also the creator of The Erotic Shakespeare: The Tragedy of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. But I mean, check out her picture:

I know, right? It's like, "Now THAT is a lady that likes, you know, cats and stuff." And apparently Shakespeare and zombie erotica. I am VERY surprised this lady hasn't written a vampire one yet.

Alright let's get to it. This story immediately had me guessing because the first line is, "Even the LAST MAN ON EARTH has needs." Caps included, each and every time she uses the phrase LAST MAN ON EARTH. Haha what the hell? Now I'm stuck in this weird limbo between funny, sexy, and...horror?

She does an alright job though, I pretty much immediately forgot a woman was writing it because she does a good job writing for men. It's just a little weird how apologetic the main character is.

If you hadn't already guessed, he has sex with zombies. But of course these are cleaned up zombies that don't decay and have some body heat and are super not dangerous. So he goes and catches zombies with a collar and epoxies their mouths shut and rapes has sensual sex with them.

But it's super not sexist in any way, she really wants you to know, because he feels super guilty (and super turned on) by the whole thing. Actually when she keeps pointing it out it really calls attention to it and makes you wonder what kind of person this story is written for.

Like, what's the message, or the fetish, or whatever you want to call it here? Because she is obviously really conscious of misogyny and keeps mentioning it. The main character also carefully showers the girls and houses them and painstakingly finds clothes for them and applies their makeup.

And she wants us to know that he really likes talking to girls, it's just a necessity that these ones can't talk so that he can force seduce them into consensual sex. But while I'm reading about all these ways he makes up for his seemingly weird fetish that he would totally not participate in if there were any real live girls left, I'm like, "Wait a minute, I thought she said this was erotic? Maybe she won't put any actual sex in and I won't have to do an awkward blog post today."

But it gets very much fucking awkward, dear reader, because he does have sex with them, and they like it because of zombie instincts or something, and when they have an orgasm their eyes clear up and they are brought back to a life long enough to respond to him saying, "If you can hear me, nod!"

And if you used this story for its intended purpose during that part, you have some explaining to do to your now totally messed up moral compass. Enjoy!

Ratings:
Making You Question Your Entire Belief System: 5 out of 5. I am not convinced this is a bad story. It might actually be a fucking great story, because obviously this lady wrote this due to the fact that it's a fetish. She was fully conscious of that, but made the narrator reluctant and guilty about treating dead people like this and making it clear that his drives made him do it. But the reader willingly reads this story, presumably to get off. So what does that say about the morals of someone turned on by it? She is literally shaming you while you jack off. (And personally that pushed me over the top.)

Sexiness: 2 out of 5. Seriously though, this story had very little of the erotic or the zombie categories that are supposed to make this "zombie erotica." But again, that phrase is intended for humor. I was actually very much reminded of people that are obsessed with real dolls when I read this. The guy loves to dress up near inanimate girls and do their makeup. There is most definitely a niche for people that think that's sexy, but it's almost certainly a larger group than even those interested in Shakespeare erotica.

Ending: What_the_fuck out of 5. So if the story didn't cause a huge enough cognitive dissonance, the guy hears at the end that there is a camp of survivors three days walk away. Yes, as you might expect he looks at his padded rooms filled with pet zombie girls and realizes that he has been fucking zombies this whole time and getting off on the flashes where they come back to life mid coitus with a stranger. He realizes this, and he is sad that he has to leave. He goes to the store to get Viagra, vibrators, and Gatorade for a three day zombie sex marathon because he feels sorry for them, and no I'm not making this up. Just imagine for a sec nearly dying of exhaustion having sex with zombies, and then rocking up to a survivor colony. What the hell!?


Overall: 2 out of 5. I'm too confused about what the goal of this story even was to give it more than two points. But if her goal was to try to turn peoples' worlds upside down, to destroy my conception of reality, I would say it gets a 5.


If you want to read some guilt free zombierotica, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall