Write Knight

This week I read White Night pun? YES! LOLOLOL! By Ryan S. Fortney.

Here's the pics:

(Link)

And here's how he describes it:
"Another one of my extremely short stories, fabricated by the dawn of alcohol inebriation and the early morning star.

Sex so good, it kills."

Haha okay dude, let me just give a couple marketing pointers (cause I obviously rock at selling shit). First, "extremely short": actually....keep that, it's one of the main reasons I decided to read this. Okay, but telling everyone one, "I was totally fucked up when I thought of this idea when I stayed up until like morning," is maybe not such a good idea. And then just the line, "Sex so good, it kills." Huh? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Haha okay fine, it's your space to describe your product, not mine.

So actually I realized from the first line of this book that this guy was a much better writer than ALL clues led me to believe so far. He is actually really good at descriptions. I especially liked "My hips smack upward with the sound of flesh packing like an audience of one applauding slowly with gradual increase." That image, at least, will make my sex life much more hilarious.

But where this guy is good at descriptions he really is lacking in ideas. I'll just go 'head and spoil it for you because I just warned you fair and square and it's my THING! Haven't you been READING this blog!? Alright so slitting someone's throat at the point of climax is not original--neither in fiction nor in real life. And then, Ryan, after you blew your load way too early on killing the lady right at the beginning, you had a mess on your hands. Yeah, it's kind of interesting to see how he will try to get rid of the body, but he just instantly is like "yeah I'll just dump it in the river." Fine, throw away a perfectly good conflict. But then the cops come! Okay here we go! But no wait, they just immediately catch him. But then he bites his false molar and, uh, magic, escapes. Alright, fine, now we got a chase! But then he is hit in the back of the head and dies, the end. I- wai-whu-huh?

See, Ryan, like your main character, you habitually kill the thing that gets the reader off. That's why your story is too short! Then what do I got to review? I just have to go like straight to ratings.

Ratings:

Unnecessary Deus Ex: 3 out of 5. Yeah it was fully in there, and what I mean by this is he magically escaped the cops only to immediately die. But why this gets downgraded is I have no fucking clue what happened. I'll read it to you: "My teeth clench together and a capsule buried within my furthest back molar erupts and at the same time metal twists and transforms into a ball of orange, throwing back my captor and most likely killing his comrades." What? Did his face fucking explode and leave him completely unphased? I don't get it! Someone explain to me what happened and where I can get one of those fucking awesome molar implants!

Descriptions: 4 out of 5. Like I said, they were just pretty damn good. I also like how the dude describes himself at the end with his contact info and everything like a true indie pro (oxymorons, YEAH!). I'm cheating a little when part of his downgrade is for the bewildering molar thing, but also for his cheesy line in his bio where he says, "My name is Ryan, but you can call me Batman." Ha, does your mom just die at that joke!?

Disappointment: 5 out of 5. The plot was disappointing, the lack of conflict was disappointing, the fact that the title just came from a line in the story about the moon being his only witness, his "cratered White Knight in the sky" or something just nearly shattered my skull with disappointment, but above all the "and then he died because I couldn't think of anything" fucking ending. I am just... beyond words at that shit.

Overall: 2 out of 5. Maybe less, but let's be fair, if I give him less than some of these other stories on here, well, why even HAVE a rating system!? Maybe I should think of another scale...

If you would like to read some stories that on a scale of one to ten are...not horrible, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall