(Linkel!)
Descripty:
"... only God knows what is in your heart and you can not lie to him
The Disgusting Christian is an uplifting short story (approx 1800 words) that touches on many themes of daily Christian life.
Follow the unamed narrarator as he solves the mystery of The Disgusting Christian and why he should strive to live like him.
The tone of the story is humorous and self deprecating however the message of God's love and salvation for us all rings clear."
Huh? Why did you begin your description with "..."? What happened right before that? Or you just couldn't decide where to start?
Anyway, if you're like me you're like, "How can you have an uplifting story that is character focused like this in 1800 words?" I mean, sure, it's possible. This guy's answer was to say, "Show, don't tell? Fuck that!" Seriously this reminds me of when I just describe an episode of a funny TV show to my friend and I can just see them like, "When is this guy gonna stop!?" but I CAN'T stop because I can see I'm failing to convey just how funny the episode was, so I have to give more details and just push it further and further until I have spent literally longer than the episode telling him/her what happened in the episode while there is a laptop sitting right next to us.
Soo.... this is a story about a crappy Christian judging another crappy Christian, basically. Oh, I almost forgot, there is this strange thing that he introduces right in the first line of the story, but it isn't the focus at all:
"I was a teenager when I first heard the Voice of God in my head."
You would think that would be important, but it doesn't really come up. Instead the important part is what he says a few lines later:
"The last thing I wanted was to hear what God had to say. I was too busy with my teenager life. I wanted to drink, chase girls, smoke, and play cards with my friends."
I bolded the teenager life thing because it's just hilariously phrased. But the point of this was that this guy is obsessed with the fact that smoking, playing cards, and drinking make him a horrible Christian. He's always like, "My mom was always telling me to stop drinking, smoking, and playing cards in the house." "Church was okay but I liked smoking, drinking, and playing cards." Seriously dude, NONE of the ten commandments has anything to do with those things. Yes, it's a good idea to stay away from drinking, smoking, and gambling (although with this story he might be talking about Uno), and it's kind of shitty to just like smoke and gamble in your mom's living room, but if you think these things make you a horrible Christian you might not be fully getting it. Maybe I just live the life of a sinner though.
So anyway the church assigns this kid with a mentor (churches have mentor programs that pair you with some old guy now?), Patrick (you guessed it, he's an Irish guy), who "had a way with young people." Patrick is basically there to tell this kid it's good he hears voices in his head and not answer questions: "I asked my mentor Patrick what he thought but he only shrugged his shoulders." Good job, Patrick.
There's also another old guy that goes to their church that stands in front praising Jesus and weeping and the kid wants to know what his deal is. Of course, Patrick doesn't know or can't be fucking bothered, so he asks the assistant pastor, Tim, who "was selfless in his good works," etc. Tim promptly explains the dude is an asshole, saying, quote, "He's not Christian at all, he is a liar! He disgusts me!" Dude what church do you go to where playing rummy is not cool but the assistant pastor violently talking shit about the congregation is just fine?
Apparently the old guy is an asshole at work, so the main character confronts him. The guy says he is praying for strength to change every Sunday, then, Lo! It's a miracle! The dude changes after a year of "trying," inspiring the main character to change and not judge people yadda yadda.
I just had to explain that far because I love how he wraps it all up: "If we love God and wish to honor him and keep his laws, then he will know."
So the moral of the story is try not to rape and murder people, and if you mess up, God will know your intentions were good! (Just don't drink, smoke, or play cards.)
Ratings:
Use of Commas: Hilarious out of 5. There are too many places to list, but I'll give you a little taste:
"How can I do good Lord?"
...I think you mean, "How can I do Lord well."
Choice of Role Models: 0 out of 5. First he choses a guy who gave no other advice than "listen to the voices," then a guy that contradicts his entire life path as a holy man, then the guy that wails in church in the hopes that it will help him stop being a dick. Nice job.
Engaging Storytelling: 0 out of 5. This wasn't a story, it was a terrible personal essay. This was the only time I've ever read something that could almost qualify as flash fiction, yet I was still thinking, "How many pages are left on this bitch? When is it going to end!?"
Overall: 1 out of 5. It had a beginning, middle, and end. :)
If you would like to read something that has at least two of those qualities, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.
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