This week is all steamy and NSFW, you excited? You will be. Honestly I was browsing through stuff I could review when this title caught my eye and, while not so traditional, I just have to do it. I mean, come on, check out the title:
Hot xxx Erotic Sex Stories(Bundle 1) (10 Erotic Short Stories/Erotika/Hot sex/ Gangbang/Anal/Oral/Orgy/Lesbian)
and the cover art:
(Link)
Thank you, Ethan Taylor. Thank you so much for your literary genius. I mean, how on earth you managed to combine anal, orgy, and lesbian all into the same title is... well, it's just beautiful. No other word for it.
So what are we getting ourselves into? In the sake of tradition, I'll let him explain for himself first:
"WARNING: These are erotic short stories for ADULTS ONLY! All characters are over the age of eighteen and the story contains scenes of oral sex and penetration
Featuring erotic juicy scenes, these stories are guaranteed to keep you glued to your Kindle like nothing else!43,418 words
10 erotic sex stories including:
Addicted To Cum
Cowboy on Heat
Finally Free In The Caribbean
My First Time Lesbian Sex
Mystery Woman
Sexual Symbiosis
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
The Startup GangBang
The Trade Off
To Rise From The Ashes"
Oh them titles. "The Startup GangBang"? I can only imagine a young entrepreneur venturing into the sex industry for the first time—conflict and/or hilarity ensues. "To Rise From The Ashes" is a little more ominous. But, I'm going with "Cowboy on Heat," because, well, on heat, not in heat? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I have to find out, and the answer will obviously be high quality literature.
My first impression of this story about Luke, a small town cowboy looking for help on his ranch, is, well, I can only express it by quoting this line: "There was more than enough work to keep him occupied for the rest of his life, and frankly, he preferred the company of horses to the company of people." Uh-oh. Shit just got real.
Luckily the story quickly turns away from the topic of horses, actually creating some atmosphere in its misspelled and bumbling way, using authentic cowboy language like "belly up" and "handling lariats" in the local feed store (no, not in reference to sex—yet!). And then she walked in. Thank god. Wait, is she a horse? Is she a metaphor for a horse? Is a horse going to be involved in this erotica in any way? I hope so.
Well our protagonist and his newly found help, Jessie (who conveniently brought all of her belongings just in case she would be offered a job at a ranch today), get to know each other and the ranch work is explained and the housing situation and- hey, wait, isn't this story supposed to be erotic? I don't give a shit about what ranchers do or what their houses look like. I mean, here I am, pants unzipped, ready for some action, and all I get is boring bullshit (Get it? 'Cause they're ranchers? HA!).
Well, I'm not going to spoil the rest. Time for ratings.
See how boring things are when you don't talk about the sex? Yes, of course they have sex, much later, after a boring documentary style rundown of cowboy life. But once he gets to the sex, there are (to my delight) some freaking weird word choices. Like "glans." Glans? Really? Is this a sex ed class? And when he cums in her mouth "her tongue and throat muscles sucked the scalding fluid down her throat." What? Excuse me, obviously there is a problem here because this is supposed to be in Luke's point of view, you can't just switch POV to her feeling his scalding semen. And it's kind of unrealistic to have a woman swallow, that never happens.
Oh, oh yeah, and if your semen is SCALDING then you have SERIOUS PROBLEMS. Go to a doctor!
There are of course further scenes of sex filled with awkward imagery. For instance, "He followed close behind her, his erection bobbing in front of him as he ran." I'm so turned on by that picture being scarred into my brain. At least it's hilarious. Then there is some spewing and some crowing sounds and some other stuff, it all gets a little hazy.
Whatever happens is a little overshadowed by the total downer sandwiched between sexings. It gets pretty dark when it switches POV to her again then goes into her past. Her parents died and she started having sex with random guys, whoring herself out for meals and places to stay, and falling asleep with dicks in her mouth (I'm not joking). Then it's revealed that Luke was a cop who got shot a bunch and his wife died and now apparently they're going to heal each other with sex.
What the hell? I thought this was supposed to be an erotic story, not some depressing sad cowboy shit with glans thrown all over the place. I mean, look at the cover of the book—it's a woman's ass! Nobody said it was deeper than that! Well, they did, but you know what I mean. Shit, I'm glad I wasn't using this story as material or I would have a serious cognitive dissonance right now. Like, a sadness boner or something.
And maybe that's what the author was trying to do. To cause us to think about happiness and love and realize that maybe it is just all about sex. Maybe instead of (10 Erotic Short Stories/Erotika/Hot sex/ Gangbang/Anal/Oral/Orgy/Lesbian) he should change his title to (10 Erotic Short Stories/Love/Love/Love/Buttlove/Love/Love/True Love). Maybe this little anthology is even deeper (I'm on fire with these puns) than we all thought.
Ratings time.
For Mastery of English: 1.5 out of 5 stars. If the descriptions of cowboy life weren't so extensive I would think this author is Albanian or something. Maybe he was writing one handed.
For Eroticism: 0 out of 5 boners. I was going to go negative with this one, but I figured maybe it's just not my cup of tea. Maybe wondering what the hell the point of living is and feeling sadness and despair and trying to fill your holes with penis, literally and figuratively, really gets you off. I'm not going to judge.
For The Meaning of Life: 5 out of 5. He has it figured out. Happiness=sex, and who the hell are you to say otherwise?
Overall Score: 1 out of 5. I was so disappoint. It was kinda funny, mostly sad, and not sexy. Honestly I didn't even finish reading it. It really came up short (BOOM!).
See you next week.
If you would like to criticize, shit-talk, and otherwise defame my own fiction, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.
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