Spooky Forest of- Oh, Wait, It's Over

This week has a spooooooooky Halloween theme. Not intentionally though. Like usual, I just picked the first story I came across: Enchanted Forest of Horror by Emileen Church.

Really, click to look inside! Hah, tricked you! This isn't Amazon, you fool! Here's the link though.

And the description:
"I could hardly believe I had let my girlfriends convince me to join them for the weekend at the Bear Creek Lodge—the site of the Bradley Massacre. Eight years ago, some crazy guy gunned down six hikers in the woods near the lodge before a forest ranger shot and killed him. And now the place has become a playground for urban legends. 

My girlfriends had thought it would be fun to stay at the lodge on the anniversary of the massacre, sharing ghost stories and trying to give each other nightmares. And now, here I was, stranded and alone in an allegedly accursed forest. Just my luck."

Well, as you may have guessed, our friend and protagonist Nicole has a great time in the woods and nothing unfortunate happens. That's pretty much it.

Oh, but she does knock on a cabin door to ask for directions and it happens to be the ranger that shot the murderer all those years ago. About ten seconds pass before he realizes the mysteriously-not-talking-or-interacting-with-anyone man that followed Nicole in is--wait for it--THE GHOST OF THE MURDERERRR! 

The ghost doesn't hesitate to fuck the ranger up, then chases Nicole through the woods. Luckily, or stupidly (depending on your criteria), her friends are driving by at that exact moment and pick her up and everything is fine.

But what about the dead ranger? And aren't her fingerprints on the guy's phone because she- I SAID THE END.

Ratings:

Fashioning Adjectives out of Any Old Thing: 5 out of 5. This girl really likes to add "y" to nouns and just make them into adjectives. Fine, I like to do that with stuff, but usually they're common words like "windy" or it's to be funny, and this is a horrory story. So it kind of read like "Nicole looked around the blacknessy woods and noticed there was a coldy vibe to the air, even though the wind couldn't really make it through the woods because they were really thickly treey and looking at them she hoped they weren't very beary." It just doesn't quite do it, as far as making me scared, you know?

Character Development: 0 out of 5. I have no idea how old Nicole is or what she does or what kind of person she is. All I know is she is scared and has met a ranger who is x age and doesn't like to talk about the murderer he shot. Actually to be fair, when she asks for help she puts on an "I'm cute, help me" voice but that sadly just makes her even more nondescript somehow. Oh, a girl that acts exactly how society says girls should usually act? How interesting *WillyWonkaface*. I just fix this problem in my head by imagining the interaction between her and the ranger played by Megan Fox and Keanu Reeves and somehow that actually makes it more interesting.

Megan Fox: "I am scared." (And sexy.)
Keanu: "Whoa."

Well That Escalated Quickly: 5 out of 5. This story basically went like,

Megan Fox: "I'm lost, I wonder if this guy has a phone. Hey, aren't you that ranger?"

Keanu: "Yes- G-g-ghost! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" (Dead)

Megan Fox: "SHIT! Oh, thank god, I'm saved."

I didn't have any time to be scared, even if she had written in my most deep-seated fear (and invisible cliche ghost doesn't rate very high). The story was over even before I was ready, and long-time readers will know there's nothing I hate more than reading.

By the way, my most deep-seated fear, like many people, is of a man in a fox mask running in and slapping me across the ass with a popsicle, then leaving before I can react.

Overall: 1 out of 5. This was pretty much just a lazy story. I think the girl can probably write if she actually wants to, but she just doesn't want to put in the effort. And, like most lazy authors, she has slapped a huge "DO NOT PIRATE THIS!" label on the beginning. Yes, because that will make you earn tons of money.



If you are also terrified of that cold, sticky feeling, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Cat Story

Actually I've done a few reviews of cat stories, but this one is the best because it's obviously every girl's dream to have sex with her cat. Right? This week I review Dream Cat by Lisa A. Robinson.

(Link)

As you probably guessed by now, it's a steamy romance between a girl and her furry little friend. Ah fine, I won't lie it's not erotica, but it might as well be. In the words of Stephen King, it's along the same lines as the Twilight "tweenager porn" series. Here's a description:
"Leo is a cat shape- shifter who has fallen in love with the girl he is charged to protect. Sarah is just an ordinary girl who often has horrific nightmares… or so she thinks. But as the winter solstice approaches and a certain demon demands the body of a young woman, what will happen?"

Since you are probably already laughing your ass off, my job is done. Let's all get back to watching Dexter.

Okay, fine, I'll put a little more work in, just for you. Actually I don't have any idea who is reading this blog because nobody ever comments, but someone is reading it (probably a bunch of NSA agents) so I'll just keep writing I guess?

I was kind of disappointed by the first paragraph of this story--"Everything except the blood multiple red suns that lights up the sky; they looks so hot, so why is it so cold?" Why indeed. And also what the fuck did you just say?

But later the story gets less terribly-hard-to-read and when I started thinking about it, it could actually rival Twilight. From what I read of that book, I wouldn't put it past her to have an even more mangled sentence than what we just read. Plus, this has all the elements. The boy has supernatural powers but isn't like a creepy gross zombie or something. He takes the form of a much more fuckable cat. He also watches the girl when she sleeps, in a totally also not creepy gross way.

There is a lot of bullshit about her going to high school and being a bookish nerd that nobody likes but she turns that into her preferring to be alone because everyone else is sooo inane and shit, but I'm gonna skip that because it's pointless and go to the end.

So she wakes up to find a guy in her room and then lets him talk her into letting him sleep over the next night to fight the demon in her dreams. Then she like concentrates real hard and something not very exciting happens and wham, bam, she has one less demon and one more boyfriend. And they all lived happily ever- oh yeah and she gets pregnant. Shiiiit.

Ratings:

Just-Just Shhh... Relax and Let it Happen: 5 out of 5. So like two or three times during the story the cat guy reflects on how awkward it would be if the girl woke up to find him in her room. How it would be weird to try to explain to the police that he is fighting demons in her dreams as a cat. Well, in this case, I think the author could have gone with her instincts there--or rather the voice fucking shouting, "THIS IS CREEPY!" Because it was. I don't know what the fuck it is with girls wanting to be looked at while they sleep, but it is probably just as creepy as looking at someone while they sleep. I am being too judgemental. Everyone can have any sort of sexual fantasies they like, it just seems like this one comes from the urge to be exhibitionist suppressed by a huge helping of protestant shame resulting in, "If I can't see it, the sin is not happening." Before you know it, you're blindfolded in an Arkansas rest stop playing "Is it a vegetable?" And, I should know, that's how gonorrhea happens.

POV Switches: 3 out of 5. Seriously, I thought she did a good job with this. She just quickly wrote the name in italics like Bobo the Cat and then went with that character's POV and then switched back to the other. The effect was to give us just enough creepy cat guy POV to the point where we wanted out quick and then switch to creepy nerd girl POV making for a more interesting and much shorter story.

There's no joke here, I sincerely liked that part.

Denial: 5 out of 5. This is a tricky topic to bring up, but this girl forced it on me. She constantly paints her friends in a light that makes them look like dumbass clowns that she only hangs out with for her own amusement. In the meantime she has a fairy obsession and was completely friendless before them. Now, I'm not going for the cheap "HAHA NERD!" laugh here, and she can read as many fairy books as she wants, but if she is in denial enough to think she is actually better than people who like to socialize and speak in vernacular instead of saying, "Pardon me, sir" (literally an attribute she tries to talk up as cool and original in her story) then she deserves a wakeup call. Here it is: If you want a boyfriend you have to stop thinking one will just come along and think you are cool and original for being a pretty average nerd and an arrogant prick to everyone around you. You have to admit to yourself what you really are--Catfucker!

And then join a group for like furries.

Overall: 2 out of 5. I'm probably being a little harsh there because this just isn't my style of story since I'm not an awkward adolescent. But then again, no! Enough is enough with the fucking "let's wait for a boy to come along that's good enough to watch me while I sleep because everyone would call me a whore if I went out to find someone I really like" stories. I've had it with society's immature handling of sex, let's all just fucking grow up!




If you think the word catfucker is funny, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Tell Me What You Read

Today I read Tell Me What You Hear  by Peter Mann.

I wonder if Amazon will ever get pissed at me for hotlinking like every picture in their store...

 (Link)

Description:
"Kate is at the station waiting fro [sic] Mike, her best friend's husband, to arrive. He never does. Instead she receives a phone call she cannot believe; she doesn't want to believe. Will she meet the demands of the caller or will she let her friends down?
From the author of A Shadow in the Flames."

Obviously she gets the call that is like, "I have a British accent and I've kidnapped your friend. Now don't drive below 55 miles per hour or I'll find your wife among these hostages and kill her." But that's fine, I actually figured out this author is British because an American would definitely not be waiting for a train, and he spelled color like coulourue or something.

Plus these action plots are the "in" thing right now, I wouldn't be so quick to say that every plot possible has been- what!? Speed was 20 YEARS AGO!?

That's fine, at least the villain doesn't speak all overly-sophisticated and make cringe-worthy puns. Oh wait. There are all too many lines like this: "'Eight minutes Kate. I hope you are almost there because I can tell you Mike is desperate to speak to his family before he departs this world.' The voice continued with a chuckle, 'One could say he's dying to speak to them.'" Oh god, no, get me out of this story! I'm so scared that I will have to finish reading this!

Actually that's alright, I needed a good laugh today, and it's been YEARS since I was reminded of the terrible puns of Mr. Freeze. 

Peter Mann also needs to be forgiven once you find out the ending to his story, so if you are being quick to judge, then you can just CHILL OUT!

It turns out that when our protagonist, Kate, reaches Mike's wife and hands her the phone she calmly answers it, says a few things, and hangs up. Then she explains that Mike is always up to some practical joke or another.

WAKKA WAKKA!

Seriously though Mike, Kate almost got arrested and then almost died  in a car accident because you couldn't find another way to contact your wife?

Ratings:

Suspense: 1 or 2 out of 5. The tension of this story just didn't add up. There was just a feeling in the back of my head the whole time like, "He isn't in any real danger." Turns out I was right, but in the case that I was wrong and the guy ended up dead or whatever, it still wouldn't have done it for me. I hate to beat a dead horse here, but I really think it was the puns. From when he said, "'You can hear Mike's fine.' There was a child-like chuckle. 'Or should I say confined,'" I basically wanted to throw my computer monitor rather than find out what was happening.

Visceral Sound Effects: 1 out of 5. Now, calm down, I know you can't hear words on a screen, but this story is called Tell Me What You Hear. The villain lets her hear the sound of him lighting a cigarette and supposedly putting it out on Mike's cheek and breaking two of his fingers, but it just misses the mark. Not that those things are pleasant, or that you have to go full Saw to make me feel it. The descriptions are just so short, like, "She heard two popping sounds and some screaming." Come on, Mann, you can do better than that.

Ending: 0 out of 5. At one point the protagonist wonders if she is dreaming and if she'll wake up and have to tell her friends how ridiculous it is that she got so scared because of nothing. I think at that point our author's instincts set in and he decided it would be and always is (no matter what) an awful idea to end a story with "And it was all just a dream." If it's all just a joke, however... NO! That just destroys the whole story. It forgives the author for not writing a believable scenario, because it's just Mike the whole time, but it also makes the story completely fucking pointless. It also ruins the believability of the entire scenario, because if Mike had repeatedly played practical jokes like this, he would have been arrested for causing public panic, or false emergency calls, or something long ago. There are only two possible reasons to make it all a joke: 1) You realize the whole thing seems phony (which it did) or 2) You can't think of an ending.

Overall: 2 out of 5. The story didn't have any glaring mistakes or anything, it just wasn't worth reading because it barely qualified as a story. The only reason it had a beginning, middle, and end was because the end was stuck on there like a dick pic on a politician's text message. BOOM Anthony Wiener SLAM. Cheap. Anyway the point is it just didn't belong, and it made me all too eager to stop reading. You might even say I was dying for the story to be over!

If you want to see the text equivalent of a dick pic, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Vexed

Today I read Next by Bill Bernico. I think this guy just works on the theory that sheer volume will bring success. This is number 75 in this series and they go into the hundreds. You would think that cranking out that many stories about the same detective would reduce the quality....

(Link)

Description:

"Don't you just hate waiting in line for hours for a 60-second ride only to have some bullies cut in line ahead of you? Not much you can do about it, but just once you wish these thugs would get what's coming to them. Elliott and Gloria Cooper encounter two of these bullies at the amusement park. Personally, I just love a happy ending."

So, as you can see this story takes place entirely in a theme park line. But wait, it's interesting, really! He shows off his Sherlock-esque abilities by calculating how many people could get on the ride in the estimated 90 minute wait period in his head! Damn, this guy is like a human. What, you thought I was gonna say something after that, like, "human calculator?" No. I think we all learned to multiply in grade school, right? At least I did, so give me my fucking private investigation license!

But THEN you REALLY see his detective skills when the bullies cut in line and they're all like, "What? You wanna say something?" And the detective's all like, "It's okay, better not make trouble, just let them go." And his lady friend is all like, "No way, you can't cut in line!" and then he's like, "Trust me, I'm a detective, I know that the best way to deal with assholes is to meekly stand aside." So they do.

And then wouldn't you know it, the cutting bastards get on and the ride operator stops the line right at our two protagonists. Just their luck! You'd have to be a detective or something to see that coming!

But then the ride malfunctions and the two assholes crash to the ground. Karma! And then the detective is all, "What? You wanna say something?" Oh SNAP!

Case closed.



Ratings:

Actual Detective Work: 0 out of 5. What the hell? I had my doubts about this story when it was only like six pages long. I was like, "Maybe he solves the mystery really fast?" and then I thought the ride might malfunction and the detective be like, "You see, because of the weight ratio of blah blah I'm super smart," and I was prepared to be like, "What a dick!" But in reality he just didn't stand up for himself and then he mocked someone that got seriously injured. Way to go? Jesus.

Narcissism: 5 out of 5. I kept getting confused about the point of view because every once in a while there would be a "me" or an "I" thrown in randomly. Then I realized this guy wrote the story in first person and then failed to change it all to third person. And this is the 75th time he's done this, so he obviously gets off on being the detective type (oh, AND he sucks at editing). Fine, but in this story the detective tries to impress a lady with mental math and then the guys who he is too scared to stand up to are taken away in ambulances by fate. Obviously Bill just went to a theme park, got mad at the "bullies" who got on the ride in front of him, and took out his revenge the good ol' fashioned nerd way--with his imagination! "*MAGIC MISSILE* DOOOSHH"

Morality: 0 out of 5. First, I have to point out that the two main characters saw the employee entrance and regretted not noticing it before because they could have cut in line themselves. Then, when a guy is taken away in an ambulance with a broken neck they're like, "HAW HAW!" I know I keep harping on that point, and private investigators aren't exactly known for having scruples, but what the fuck is the moral of this story? It should be, "Don't be so harsh on people because their assholery could be a blessing in disguise." Instead it's, "FUCK BULLIES!" YEAH! If you don't believe me, check out where he brags about how much he got those suckers in the description: "Personally, I just love a happy ending." Hahahahaha, yeah, those fucking dicks will probably never walk again after this one!

Overall: 1.5 out of 5. I try to counteract the negativity of my reviews by saying at least one thing I liked about each story. What I liked about this story was




If you would also like to be at a loss for words, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall