Shit Sense

Let me explain. Today I read two short stories. The first was a gay romance about angels and demons and it was just too boring to review. It turned out to be just like a pretty crappy story surrounding a gay sex scene, and I didn't have it in me to make a bunch of gay jokes and call it good or whatever so I decided I needed to find something truly shitty to read. I mean, I pride myself on being able to spot good material just by the cover and title on the first try, so I was disappointed. But then I saw this one and my shit senses tingled. It's called Fear Sense by Ron Schrader. Heh, no offense if your name is Ron, but it just seems like you're already at a disadvantage with that name because your parents have got to be weird.

 

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Check out the cover! That font just says Ron all over it. And the shitty ominous wolf behind the cloud of MSPaint spray-paint mist? This looks enthralling. Here's the description:

"After a vicious attack on their village, Aiden and Cade escape to the mountain with only their rifles and wits, hoping to find safety from the beast and it's killing spree. They soon learn that they are not alone and in fact are being hunted. 'Fear Sense' is an easy read that both teens and adults will enjoy

Note: This short story is 4,126 words in length.

About the Author: Ron Schrader has been writing since as early as grade school, focusing primarily on short stories. In November 2012 he finally made the decision to begin publishing his work. Ron's stories are written for adults, but kept clean enough that his own young children can enjoy them as well."

Aiden and Cade? Who names someone Aiden? Hey, by the way, by young children how young do you mean? 'Cause like I'm pretty sure you graphically described a lot of violence in here including a guy with a severed leg bleeding to death in front of the main character. I'm glad I didn't read this to my five-year-old daughter before bed, because she would be terrified of your shallow descriptions of manikin-like emotions, Ronald!

This story is best reviewed by plot synopsis. So Aiden and Cade, a pair of boys that are more bi-curious than the duo in the gay erotica I read earlier, are trying to get to the mountain peak. Almost immediately Cade is half eaten in the most confusing scene ever written. They see the beast's eyes and then: "I pulled my rifle out, aimed and fired. The canyon echoed into dead silence once again. I rushed to the two black lumps that lie on the cold canyon floor, lifeless in the pale light of the rising moon." I can only assume this means he killed the black lumps dead. Since they are lifeless.

Well the lumps turn out to be living things, neither of which are lifeless, and one of which is a mauled Cade. Cade sa...ys...some...th...i...n...gs....dramatically in annoying ellipses, but then suddenly Ron realizes he has only written like a thousand words and has to drag this story on a little longer. Aiden decides to carry Cade, they find a cave where a villager dies in front of him, Cade can then walk again because it's more convenient for him to be standing away from Aiden for the part where Cade gets attacked again, and he dies after all. Piss luck.

Aiden realizes that the cave from before was the beast's den and he is pissed off and gonna kill it even though the two times he has shot it before did basically nothing. Don't worry, Ron has this covered. Aiden goes into the den and is promptly and casually killed.

Then he wakes up. Fuck you, Ron.

Well, at least the story doesn't end there. Cade comes and helps calm a freaked-out Aiden. "It's just a dream bro... No, I didn't mean you should stop holding me..." Then Aiden explains that there was a strange mist right before sunset and a stranger came to the village with insane eyes like he'd seen some crazy shit then the village was attacked. That jolts Ron, who, like a teenage girl that bumped into her friend at the store and wanted to tell everyone how "ironic" it was, literally says "with a sudden fear in his countenance, 'It's really foggy out right now, and the sun is about to set.'" Get OUT.

They go outside, and sure enough there's a crazy dude with wild eyes, and they shoot that bastard dead! Teach you for seeing beasts.

Well the beast doesn't come after that and Ron ends his tale with a "maybe there was no beast after all, maybe they were just imagining things, or maybe..." Yeah. Maybe they committed murder for no reason. You think about that, Ron? I'm gonna give this story to my children now.

Ratingsss:

Grammar: 0 out of 5. One minute they we're just walking then, I couldnt follow the story becau'se the phrasing got all not normal and misnaturalized with apostrophe's added in random places.

Plot: 1 out of 5. He had conflict. Oh wait, then it was all just a dream. But it was psychological. But not in the way that he investigated any feelings at all, especially not ones concerned with shooting a complete stranger dead in the middle of the street.

Beginner's Luck: Nah, now I'm just being mean. Don't stop writing, Ron. Do go back and edit your stuff. But then again, he did say he had been writing since elementary school. It all makes sense now! This is the story from elementary school, right? I should publish my stuff from school. I wrote a series about a kid that saved a family of tigers, and one about getting sucked into a game of Risk. But then Jumanji came out. Fuck you, Robin Williams!

Overall: 2 out of 5, I guess. This story was not tense or scary like it was meant to be, but it seems like he knows that and aimed it at teens, or preteens or something. You remember Goosebumps? That shit is not at all scary if you read it as an adult. But, it also didn't have people bleeding to death pleading for their children and shit. I guess the point is: find your audience and stick to it, Ron.

If you want to read my story about the board game coming to life, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall