Boob Sucker

So this week I read something really original. It was called Fat Sucker, by Lotus Rose (definitely a pen name).

(Link)

Here's a description:
"Poor pudgy Tina...she's tried all kinds of diets that didn't work. But then one day she sees an infomercial about pills that absorb fat! She tries them and they prove to be remarkably effective...

Includes the bonus story, Noah's Ark Between 2 Buns, a story explaining the truth about hopping smiling chicken nuggets!"

Nah, I didn't read the bonus story, which I think is actually longer than the title story. I did, however, read up more on this Lotus character, because the story was... strange.

I thought it was a woman at first, but you have to check this guy out. Here's his picture:

Haha, okay it makes sense now. We have gone full nerd. That is seriously the picture he chose to represent himself. And I just can't let you miss out on his bio. I will bold the particularly hilarious part for you:

"Lotus Rose writes delightfully weird tales about young characters in strange situations. At times dark, silly, or bawdy, his writing owes much to such influences as Alice in Wonderland and Roald Dahl, Piers Anthony and Douglas Adams, and explores themes like disillusionment, and the corruption of innocence. If his books were movies, they'd likely be directed by Tim Burton. He often writes in a style that is a more edgy, "grown-up" version of children's literature interspersed with his poetry and songs.

Here's a short poem he wrote:"

I'll spare you the poem. I like that his list of favorite authors reveals he has read like two books ever. And yeah, if by children's literature you mean literature written by children. BOOM! ZING, KAPOW! The list of his other works includes "5 Tales of Erotic Horror" and "Malice in Wonderland."

At least he's not boring. That brings me to the story. It was interesting. I'm not saying it wasn't horribly written, because it was, but it was definitely unique, and had some funny moments.

My first impression was "This shit is hilarious." Not really because he meant it to be, but because of his descriptions. He can't think of other words to use so he just repeats his adjectives to hammer the point in. They read something like, "The pudgy girl was really pudgy. Her pudginess was at levels of pudgy." Dude, there's another word for pudgy in your title!

Well fine, it was still entertaining, her being stupid ('cause fat=stupid, DUH) and eating a whole thing of Slim Jim's after taking a diet pill then wondering why she gained weight and then going on a pill-eating rampage. I thought it was social commentary, but after reading a bit about this Lotus character I think it's just autobiographical.

Anyway, after that I got a little bored until I read this description and laughed out loud (brackets are my words): "The pain was the worst pain she had ever felt, [This description is genius! I can't wait to read more of your poetry.] times two. [My god, upping the ante from the worst to double the worst!?] She trembled, then she trembled more violently. [Fuck thesauruses!] Then she fell over into a floppy thud. Then she rolled up into a pudgy ball. [Hahaha!]" So you see, I can't tell if this guy is intentionally doing this or not, but it's funny.

Things get absurd when she actually loses a ton of weight and all the pills she took start literally attracting fat to her like a magnet and absorbing it. The story comes to an abrupt and hilarious end when (Spoiler) she confesses her love to her crush and in the following embrace he is sucked into her boobs. That's it.

Ratings:

Huh!?: 5 out of 5. What can I say, I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. This story could probably make the Pope into a nihilist...

Lol.: 5 out of 5. This was really funny. I think it was supposed to be funny, but I think most of the parts that were supposed to be funny I didn't laugh at and most of the serious stuff I did laugh at. Including the dude's picture.

Pilled Out of His Mind Levels of English: 5 out of 5. This dude is on drugs. Five seconds around his writing and you feel it.

Overall: 2 out of 5. I thought that a teenage girl had written it, and I was gonna give her props for being so creative. But a grown man wearing a pink feather boa wrote this. Probably the same one he wears while DMing D&D games and his friends all hate it. No thank you sir!

Read what I wrote wearing nothing but a pink feather boa at amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.