For my triumphant return I read Special Delivery by Lia Fairchild.
(Link)
Description:
"From Amazon Bestselling Author, Lia Fairchild
Free flowers every month for a year! Recently widowed Amy was delighted to find that she had won. Flowers had always been a big part of her life. But delivery driver Dave brings more than just bouquets. Can he help Amy find happiness again? Will Amy get even more than she bargained for? Find out in this short story about love, loss, friendship and flowers.
If you're looking for a quick read (only 5k words) with a sweet romantic feel, this is for you."
Wow, a best-selling author. Yes, this is the same author as Vigil Annie and A Hint of Murder. Her titles are almost as clever as my blog titles, and I obviously spend hours straining to find a brilliant pun each week.
Actually I'll be straight with you. From the description, this story is pretty predictable, but for what it is it's really not in the same league as the fucking awful shit that I normally review. For one thing, reading this didn't make my eyes sting--except with overwhelming emotion! But no seriously that was a joke just now about the emotion thing. I don't want to mislead you, I felt basically nothing when I read this. But that's nothing out of the ordinary. Sometimes I cut myself, while I watch videos of puppies getting killed, while listening to Nickelback, just to see if I can still feel.
Anyways, we have drifted from the point. The point is for the first time ever, I am giving the No Fine Print Actual Fucking Author Award to Lia Fairchild! She clearly works on, edits, and markets her material. Like, as if it is a job she actually takes seriously, and that is something I can not say about virtually any other person I have ever reviewed.
Plus, she is obviously a milf, so that is basically 70% of winning me over right there:
Oh yeah, I also read her story, so I should talk about that. Well, obviously this widow lady falls in love with the guy that delivers her flowers each month as part of a contest. On the last delivery she is all confused about her feelings (Yes! This character actually has feelings!) because the dude won't come to give her flowers anymore.
As you probably already guessed, there was actually no contest that she won to get all these flowers. The guy was just trying to make her feel better about her dead husband and slowly they fell in love with each other.
"But wait," you're saying, "isn't that really fucking creepy?" Well... yes! And with 99 point fucking 9 percent of shitty romance authors, this would be totally ignored. Not this author. She actually has the lady freak out about the weirdness of the flower guy doing this.
Of course, eventually it is all explained away and they end up fucking into the sunset, but there was a legitimate fucking conflict rooted in her guilt over moving on from her dead husband and the conflict between her feelings for the mustachioed (yeah he has a mustache, gross) flower guy and her traditional stance about being stalked.
Overall, I didn't really like the story, because it was predictable and kind of makes me paranoid about how many girlfriends have wished I would die so they could romantically be wrapped up in some totally well-meaning man's arms for a clean, guilt-free mustache ride, but I am also not a middle-aged housewife. I am just saying that logistically, this story was okay. Congratulations!
Ratings:
That Thing I Always Complain About When People Tell and Don't Show: 3 out of 5. The beginning of this story, like most short stories, is all telling about the past. It's a fucking epidemic! There are a number of pages filling us in on the fact that her husband died and this guy has been bringing her flowers for the past 12 months. Technically this happens all in a morning daydream, but I still say it's boring and fucking alienating. In fact, if you are not a super well-known author, I think it is fair to say you maybe shouldn't even use past perfect tense. Like if you're saying "At that party she hadn't even seen the dick-shaped cake or the penis ice sculpture, and thus hadn't realized both the bride and groom would be men," for a few pages, it is separating us from the story because it's not just in the past, it's in the fucking past's past!
Talking to Herself: 0 out of 5. This lady has some pretty unrealistic dialogue with herself. I don't know, maybe people talk to themselves more than I do, but at one point out of the blue she says, "And what about our texting? I wondered aloud." Well, first of all if you wonder something aloud it goes in quote marks. That's just fucking lazy, because I know she knows that because she does it properly later. But really my issue here is who is ever just sitting there silently thinking and then suddenly says out loud without any conversational prompt, "And what about our texting?" What? You're a fucking psycho. If I caught myself saying something like that when I was alone, I would be obliged to burst out laughing at how ridiculous I look to myself.
Stepping Outside the Box: 0 out of 5. This story really is too neat. I know it's supposed to be, but it pisses me off that there are housewives out there that identify with this main character--a woman who blatantly mentions that she gets through a lot of her life using her looks, who is motivated by getting married before she "runs out of hotness," who thinks of herself as independent yet doesn't actually do a hell of a lot by herself because she likes the idea of "being taken care of by someone." I am mad that there are actually people out there that really have as few problems as this. I mean, yes, her husband died, but like I said that is an obvious fantasy of a lot of people--to get out of a relationship with zero blame and it's soooo tragic. But fuck it who cares because there's instantly a perfect man waiting. It's too much. And don't fucking pretend to me you have never wished your partner was dead so you could get all the sympathy and none of the blame. Admit it.
Admit it, or I won't move on.
Overall: 3 out of 5. Like I said, this story had more realistic emotions and reactions than almost anything else I have ever reviewed. I know it looks like I contradict that like right above this, but actually no. I really believe there are people that identify with this, and I can't blame the author for writing for them. But despite this weird brand of realism, this story was also not entertaining. Like at all. But...it was written by a hard-working lady.
If you want advice on how to let your partner conveniently and romantically pass away, leaving you free and blameless, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.
Just admit it.
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