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Description:
"Ben thinks his son’s talk of the magical kingdom of Lukana is just typical childhood imagination. But one winter day, when seven year-old Eric sculpts a snow owl in his backyard, he seems to set in motion events that cannot be anything but magical. Now Ben faces the terrifying prospect of losing his only child to a wintry spirit… a spirit that just might be the boy’s true father."
Well, Jon, you basically just spoiled the whole story there. What am I even going to say for the review? Uh... so this kid Eric sculpts a snow owl in his backyard, which seems to set in motion events that cannot be anything but magical...
Okay actually the story begins with this guy's wife dying during childbirth and her last words being something like, "I cheated on youuuuuuuu *death gasp.*" Well, not literally, but the kid is born with blonde hair and both of them are brunettes so obviously that never happens if you ignore biology class. Q.E.D.
The kid really likes winter and makes a snow owl, then an owl comes and the kid says it is a messenger from Narnia. The father just ignores it, but then every morning the owl's features are more defined and realistic. The kid says owls did it, so the dad stays up during the night, and sure enough some creepy owls come and sculpt the snow owl.
Now the father is super creeped out because the kid says once it is finished, the owl will carry him away to Narnia to be their prince. The dad, who thought about suicide and adoption as ways to get out of raising the kid before, is totally pissed off because he doesn't want his son to have an awesome prince life.
But luckily, the weather gets unseasonably hot because the story needs to end somehow and the owl tries to come to life prematurely while it's melting and falls apart screeching "Kiiiiill meeeee."
Then the kid grows brown hair and becomes normal. I guess no being a prince for him because... because the story has to end somehow. Chalk one up for the best dad in the world.
Oh and we never find out who banged his wife. Probably Big Foot. Kinky.
Ratings:
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY SHOW DON'T TELL!?: 3 out of 5. Most of this story happens completely disconnected from the actual story. It's all in the past. By which I mean of course it's all in past tense, but pages and pages before the story even happens there's a bunch of back story. "Eric was always a white kid..." sort of stuff. If you're telling a story then tell it, don't tell me about it. If most of the interesting stuff happens before the story, start the story earlier, or don't tell it in a linear way, or just write better. You know how in Harry Potter, all this stuff happened where Harry was given to his aunt and uncle when he was a baby? Remember how J.K. Rowling just told us that scene and about his troubled times growing up? No? Because she fucking wrote the scenes and SHOWED US like it was her job to make her book interesting. It's almost as if she's some sort of writer. I swear, this shit where authors start a story by saying "X was always basically flaming gay," is a fucking epidemic on Amazon. Cut it out!
Totally Calm About Fucking Crazy Shit Dad: 5 out of 5. For someone who contemplated suicide over his wife cheating on him once, this guy seriously takes the news of his son being the prince of Narnia in stride. He's just like, "Well, I'll be. That sucks." He hardly tries to do anything about it, and he just immediately shrugs it off when he sees owls carving a snow sculpture. Well, he doesn't literally, according to what the author tells us, but what he describes is nothing. No emotion, no thought process, just, "He couldn't believe it," in what I imagine was the deadpan, monotone voice of the narrator.
Deus Ex Machina Saving the Author, Not the Characters: 5 out of 5. Jon, this was only ten pages, and you just got tired of it like half way through? Was it about the time you had to start telling the story instead of summarizing past events? Maybe you should find an easier hobby. Masturbating works for me, although it does get harder the more often you do it. I can appreciate a little mystery about what would have happened if a heat wave hadn't saved your ass, but then just having the kid become normal is a little much. I guess if you had the guy nervously wait for next winter and wonder about how he was going to discourage his son from making any snow men it would cause you to think about his emotions a little too much, and then you would have to describe them and- I'm just getting tired thinking about all that work!
Overall: Meh out of 5. If you're too lazy to write a story, then I'm too lazy to rate it. What I can say is that while I was reading it I was thinking about how Neil Gaiman would have written it, and how that would have been way more enjoyable to read.
If you would like to read some other stories that Neil Gaiman would do a way better job writing, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall
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