Madlibs on a Blank Page

This week I read Caterpillars on a Pink Moon by Edward Lange.

(Link)

Here's the description:
"Edgar Wilson’s world has gone completely and utterly bonkers. Giant rabid squirrels prowl the sidewalks, dead presidents are coming back from the dead, and people are spontaneously turning into giraffes. And it’s all Edgar's fault."

Alright, I don't know about the word bonkers, but maybe he's British or something. The rest isn't a bad hook. I want to know why it's all his fault.

The story got off to a kind of rough start though, when Eddy had problems spelling compound words and being funny. His Chinese mail     man begins arguing with a Pepsi can in an alley      way. That's when I said to myself "This guy wrote a bunch of nouns, adjectives, and verbs onto slips of paper, pulled them out of a hat, and tried to write a story." But no, that's not giving him enough credit. He obviously chose a Chinese mail        man because it's hilarious. I mean, he's CHINESE! Bwahahahahahgagagaa!

Get it? Chinese?

So, you want to know why it's all his fault, right? Fine, I'll tell you.

But I mean, seriously, when you think "mailman" you're all like "white guy," right? Right? Alright fine, you'll probably get it later and laugh to yourself.

So all kinds of crazy stuff happens that is not very "laugh out loud in Barnes and Noble" but it's interesting for a story. The guy finally manages to get home and talks to an angel which actually turns out to be real. The angel tells him that his sarcastic New Year's Eve resolution to "never kill anyone" is ruining the universe because he was always supposed to be real shitty at keeping New Year's resolutions, according to God. Fair enough, so far this is the most original story I have ever reviewed.

Then, the angel tells him to kill someone to make it all better and gives him a gun. It is slightly amusing when he goes through all the people he tried to kill that day and why it didn't happen, I just wish it wasn't literally a list. It had me on the verge of a "heh" when he said he contemplated killing a suicidal woman but she beat him to the punch. But then he shattered my dreams by following that sentence with "He'd wanted to kill an escaped serial killer and tax dodger who was hiding in his building, when a deranged sentient stop sign whacked him to death." Hey, you already did the "beat him to the punch" thing! And P.S. How did he know the serial killer was also a tax dodger (or an escaped serial kiler, for that matter), unless he knew the guy because he had just been living in the apartment building, in which case why the hell wouldn't he call the cops or move or something?

Anyway the guy runs out of time and- did you predict it? I did. He thinks of the clever loophole of killing himself.

But, thankfully, it's not over! He then meets the angel in heaven and he says something like, "You dick! Suicide isn't murder!" and they watch the universe collapse. HA! I'm not being sarcastic, I liked this twist. "Holy shit, did he actually like it?" You'll see.

Ratings:

Creativity: 3 out of 5. Like I said, the stuff he came up with took as much work as choosing random marbles from a sack, but I like Madlibs, dammit! I'm just kidding, I hated riding on the bus and not being able to run the fuck away from the annoying kid that was like, "Let's do some Madlibs!" But aside from all that, the plot was pretty creative, especially the ending.

Conflict: 1.5 out of 5. Don't ask why it's so specific. I have a system, and it involves far too many shades of grey. Let's just say he summarized the predicament of having to kill someone into a single paragraph and I feel cheated.

Humor: More than expected. I don't ever read fiction for comedy. I think anyone that does is probably hiding a man-sized costume of a fox in their closet or something, but when things are amusing I'm not opposed to it. Again, this wasn't laugh out loud (or "lol" as I hear you kids call it these days) but it wasn't painfully trying to be funny and just failing either.

Overall: 3.5 out of 5. Probably my highest rating ever. Time to retire.

If you would like to read something that will make you retire (from your job or from hope or faith or whatever) visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall