Sadeline

This week I read Madeline by Craig McGray.

(Link)

Description:
"A shed full of macabre secrets... A wife gone crazy...A nine-year-old girl that must die!


Jonah fights for his life while trying to stop his deranged wife from killing their daughter.


Sometimes, the Devil truly is in the details."

Is there really a need for fourteen fucking spaces between each line? Actually, it's kind of clever, because the description is a metaphor for how he tries to build a suspenseful story with no material- BOOM.

So in this story, the guy's wife is always out doing stuff in the shed but he never cares what the fuck it is until one day he goes out there looking for his daughter. Turns out, his wife has been doing creepy ritual shit and has his daughter tied down about to sacrifice her with a sharpened crucifix.

The rest of the story reads like the guy is imagining a horror movie, which doesn't really translate well to the written form. Also, if it was a movie, it would be a shitty one.

For no reason, his dog teams up with his wife and attacks him. His wife for some reason has a deformed face and a sickle, and also for some reason squirrels help him out at various points.

That is sort of(?) explained by his wife sacrificing woodland creatures in her shed all the time, but why the squirrels gain sentience is not explained.

His wife just keeps saying Madeline is the one and she needs to kill her. If it is so important, why the fuck don't you explain yourself, lady?

It turns out, as the guy is cleaning up his daughter after squirrels hilariously tear his wife to shreds, that he finds a 666 brand on his daughter's neck. OMIGAAAAA. Also at that point she becomes a zombie or something, the end.

Ratings:

You Have all the Stupid Imagery that Hollywood Thinks is Scary, I'll Give You That: 5 out of 5. Well, at least he tries to. At several points he describes the breath billowing out of his wife's mouth, and I just had to assume he meant steam because it was cold. He never describes it as steam or the fact that it is cold though, so way to go I guess. Also there is a shed and they apparently live in the woods, and deformed faces are creepy in movies I guess and he describes the scene where her face gets all close to his and his eyes are darting around like in a film and little girls are creepy sometimes and there is a ton of gore. I guess if you mash all those things together it is supposed to be scary. To me, it just seemed fuuuuucking laaaazy.

Plus, This Story was Too Hilarious to be Scary: 5 out of 5. Having squirrels help you out is just hilarious. Having them tear someone apart is also hilarious, and highly improbable. I mean, how are their little claws supposed to tear human skin? I guess they break nuts with their teeth, but there would have to be a hell of a lot of them, and where did they all come from? Why did they wait until she slit his Achilles to start attacking? Also, according to the ending, squirrels are agents of the devil. Really they weren't helping him out, but simply going with the theory that an enemy of God is my friend and untying his binds and stuff. Another funny thing: Why did this lady tie them up and leave them alone only to lay in wait for them to escape so she could creep up behind them for a scare? Is she having a laugh? And WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T SHE JUST SAY THE GIRL HAD THE MARK OF THE DEVIL?

Despite Having a Massive Load of Plot-hole Shit, This Story was too Short and Rushed: 5 out of 5. This story was written in an hour, I swear to god. It's basically a deluge of poorly thought-out, unedited shit on an e-page. It's too short to build any tension, something which I constantly bitch about with horror stories, and nothing really makes sense. The horror genre isn't exactly filled with brilliant shit, but this takes the cake as far as being a mishmash of images pulled from low-budget films.

Overall: 1.5 out of 5. It was semi-coherent. Saw the twist coming a mile away, but not all of us can be super fucking amazing demigods like M. Night. Not all of us can be as fucking insane as him either, but this author, at least, can say that he has tried.

If you want to read something that will put The Last Airbender to shame, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Story Check

This week I read Reality Check by David Brin.

(Link)

Description:
"Do you ever get that sense of deja vu...a feeling that you've experienced something before? As computers get more and more complex, they are able to replicate the nature of reality in ever finer detail. How would we recognize if we were living in a computer simulation – a highly accurate world of virtual reality? Perhaps this isn't your first time..."

I am having deja vu, because this is the plot of The Matrix. Even the deja vu part is from The Matrix. So, I'm just going to skip the middle-man and review The Matrix.

Neo is a lonely computer hacker in the year- HOLY SHIT 1999 WAS A LONG TIME AGO! Now THAT will make you shit a brick.

Alright, so this story isn't really that much like The Matrix. It's basically just musings about why we haven't found extraterrestrial life and why that might mean we're all in a dream we have constructed out of the boredom of being eternals.

Basically mortals died out in the year 21-fill-in-future-numbers-here, and humans passed into immortality et cetera et cetera.

That's about it. Sooooo........

Ratings:

Was This a Story?: 5 out of 5. This "story" has no real beginning, middle, or end, no characters, not much of a plot, no emotions, no climax--basically nothing that any other stories have. That being said, it was supposedly published in Nature, and it is a piece of short fiction. OR IS IT!? As I said above, it's basically some guy's musings written down. They are mildly interesting, and there are some big words, so I use the word musings instead of rantings. Still, it's not a huge step from this to publishing the ravings of that guy who ran for governor of Idaho Harley Brown.

Harley Brown, and his beautiful teeth.

Two Dashes Does Not Actually Make an Emdash: 5 out of 5. Now I know what you're thinking. "You just fucking used two dashes in the paragraph above this." Yes, that's true, but I'm fucking lazy. If you are publishing something on Amazon, especially if it has been published before, you should change those bitches to emdashes. I wouldn't be such a hypocrite about this, but seriously this is a great example of what's wrong with independent publishing. If you constantly publish unedited shit, we have to wade through that shit to find anything good. I think this blog illustrates how not worth the effort it is to try to find that gold nugget among an eternity of turds. Please, PLEASE polish your turd!

Actually, that's not the only problem. 50% of it is also that the only thing you can find on Amazon is niche fetish erotica. Come on, is there REALLY that big of a market for 50 Shades of BDSM? That's a REAL title I see EVERY time I look for something to review.

Muse if You Must, But at Least Muse Originally: 5 out of 5. There was literally nothing said in this story that hasn't already been thought of by like every single person on the internet. It was kind of weird though, because the author seemed to realize that and start using it as a reason that you should doubt your fictional reality. "Only so many combinations of notes exist" he repeats as if it's deep, then tells you to ask why. Yes, why INDEED, sir? The answer didn't really make me shit my brain out into my pants as was intended.

Overall: 3 out of 5. This story wasn't bad. It wasn't great, but it was short and it reminded me of some philosophy I pondered fucking 15 years ago. SERIOUSLY 1999 WAS A SCARY AMOUNT OF YEARS IN THE PAST! Sorry. It's pretty obvious from this post what generation I am from. But still, if one thing blows your mind today, let it be that.

If you want to have other parts of your body blown, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.







Wait! No! That's not what I meant! Please don't solicit me for sex!

The Difficult One

This week I read The Lucky One by Ray Kingfisher.

(Link)

Description:

"A short story taken from the collection: Tales of Loss and Guilt - 16 short stories.
Story details:

An elderly woman is haunted by memories of her escape from the holocaust.

But how reliable are painful memories that have been kept at bay for over sixty years?

And at her time of life, what exactly is she searching for?"

First of all, what's with all the spaces? Shit, man, that's super annoying when I have to press the "see more" button on Amazon to see the rest of the four fucking sentences you wrote.

Also, "Tales of Loss and Guilt"? That sounds like an amazing read. "It's summer break, so I'm gonna kick back with a glass of lemonade and an anthology about loss and guilt. You know, just really relax."

And an elderly woman escaping from the holocau- Wait, what? No. No no no no no. Shit. No, I am not about to write a humour review of a holocaust story, am I?

Am I?

Okay, fuck it, here goes. Put on your holocaust joke hat, because we're fucking doing this.

But first, a joke about ovens.

What did one baked potato in the oven say to the other baked potato in the oven?

"HOLOCAUST JOKES AREN'T FUNNY, YOU TASTELESS FUCK!"

Alright, moving on. Actually to sum up, this story starts with an old lady landing in Hamburg. There is some background done in flashback about how her children are baffled with why she would want to go back and visit the death camp she was in years before, but she feels it is something she needs to do because she is dying of cancer.

There are some emotional scenes that were a bit difficult to get through, like the museum guide struggling to explain that women were raped at the camp when a young girl asks all the wrong questions, etc.

In the end, the woman has a vivid flashback of the camp, and an employee comforts her knowingly as she cries. That's all there is to it. It's short and, well, I'll meet you below for the ratings.

(Insert Holocaust joke here)

Ratings:

Should it Have Been Written?: Turmoil out of 5. I think this may be my only category for today, because it has me so confused, and I can't really separate it out into three separate, snarky categories like I usually do. I guess one could be: Writing Style: 4 out of 5. But there is no joke there. It was pretty damn well written. You know how I always bitch that the background of the story is set up in like some weird triple past tense telling instead of showing format? Yeah, this guy didn't do that. He actually showed everything that happened in the story, and that was great. The emotions didn't fall flat, they were, well, emotional. And the characters were dynamic and each had their own clear personality as well.

The only thing is the set up and the ending. As the description and the beginning of the story quickly establish, this old lady is going back to find some sort of meaning or the answer to the question of why she was spared while so many others died, juxtaposed with the irony of her having cancer now and of course the misfortune of being sent to a death camp in the first place. I feel like that is a good set up, but I'm not sure this story delivers. I'm not sure it doesn't, either. It is one of those questions that doesn't have an answer, and to try to provide some neatly wrapped up ending would come across as incredibly trite. Still, this story just kind of ends. On the other hand, it did make me reflect on all of this just now, so maybe it worked?

And then there is the question of why this man wrote this story. His anthology is fucking called Tales of Loss and Guilt, as I have already poked fun at, and there is obviously a questionable motive behind writing that. I am against guilt porn. I think Upworthy-style exaggerations comparing first world problems to- well, to the fucking Holocaust are almost as immoral as the Holocaust itself. "How Many Women Are Ruthlessly Raped in YOUR Workplace? The Answer Will Make You Shit Blood!" Thanks, Upworthy, for hyperbolizing problems and making any sort of actual issues in the world seem like meaningless noise. You can click "like" and feel like you have done something great and move on to alternating between Farmville and masturbating. At least, that's how I spend my days.

Oh, oh yeah, I was talking about something serious. So, there's that, but there's also the question of whether it matters that this guy wrote this story to make guilt dollars. Isn't it good anyway if it makes us remember the pain and senselessness of genocide so we never again repeat that mistake? Is there ever such a thing as too many reminders of the Holocaust, no matter what the motive is? Isn't the most important thing the reader's reaction, rather than the author's intent? Or is authorial intent much more important than I'm giving it credit for right now? So that's my rating for this story. You can write your response down and leave it on your own blog where I will never, ever read it because I don't care what you think.

One last thing. If you are disappointed with how serious this post is, you probably missed the entire point just now.



If you want more hilarious Holocaust jokes, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Predictable Delivery

Wow, time flies. I didn't realize it has been over a month since I wrote a post, even though I normally do one per week. I was busy writing a giant thesis, so my apologies.

For my triumphant return I read Special Delivery by Lia Fairchild.

(Link)

Description:

"From Amazon Bestselling Author, Lia Fairchild
Free flowers every month for a year! Recently widowed Amy was delighted to find that she had won. Flowers had always been a big part of her life. But delivery driver Dave brings more than just bouquets. Can he help Amy find happiness again? Will Amy get even more than she bargained for? Find out in this short story about love, loss, friendship and flowers.

If you're looking for a quick read (only 5k words) with a sweet romantic feel, this is for you."

Wow, a best-selling author. Yes, this is the same author as Vigil Annie and A Hint of Murder. Her titles are almost as clever as my blog titles, and I obviously spend hours straining to find a brilliant pun each week.

Actually I'll be straight with you. From the description, this story is pretty predictable, but for what it is it's really not in the same league as the fucking awful shit that I normally review. For one thing, reading this didn't make my eyes sting--except with overwhelming emotion! But no seriously that was a joke just now about the emotion thing. I don't want to mislead you, I felt basically nothing when I read this. But that's nothing out of the ordinary. Sometimes I cut myself, while I watch videos of puppies getting killed, while listening to Nickelback, just to see if I can still feel.

Anyways, we have drifted from the point. The point is for the first time ever, I am giving the No Fine Print Actual Fucking Author Award to Lia Fairchild! She clearly works on, edits, and markets her material. Like, as if it is a job she actually takes seriously, and that is something I can not say about virtually any other person I have ever reviewed.

Plus, she is obviously a milf, so that is basically 70% of winning me over right there:

Oh yeah, I also read her story, so I should talk about that. Well, obviously this widow lady falls in love with the guy that delivers her flowers each month as part of a contest. On the last delivery she is all confused about her feelings (Yes! This character actually has feelings!) because the dude won't come to give her flowers anymore.

As you probably already guessed, there was actually no contest that she won to get all these flowers. The guy was just trying to make her feel better about her dead husband and slowly they fell in love with each other.

"But wait," you're saying, "isn't that really fucking creepy?" Well... yes! And with 99 point fucking 9 percent of shitty romance authors, this would be totally ignored. Not this author. She actually has the lady freak out about the weirdness of the flower guy doing this.

Of course, eventually it is all explained away and they end up fucking into the sunset, but there was a legitimate fucking conflict rooted in her guilt over moving on from her dead husband and the conflict between her feelings for the mustachioed (yeah he has a mustache, gross) flower guy and her traditional stance about being stalked.

Overall, I didn't really like the story, because it was predictable and kind of makes me paranoid about how many girlfriends have wished I would die so they could romantically be wrapped up in some totally well-meaning man's arms for a clean, guilt-free mustache ride, but I am also not a middle-aged housewife. I am just saying that logistically, this story was okay. Congratulations!

Ratings:

That Thing I Always Complain About When People Tell and Don't Show: 3 out of 5. The beginning of this story, like most short stories, is all telling about the past. It's a fucking epidemic! There are a number of pages filling us in on the fact that her husband died and this guy has been bringing her flowers for the past 12 months. Technically this happens all in a morning daydream, but I still say it's boring and fucking alienating. In fact, if you are not a super well-known author, I think it is fair to say you maybe shouldn't even use past perfect tense. Like if you're saying "At that party she hadn't even seen the dick-shaped cake or the penis ice sculpture, and thus hadn't realized both the bride and groom would be men," for a few pages, it is separating us from the story because it's not just in the past, it's in the fucking past's past!

Talking to Herself: 0 out of 5. This lady has some pretty unrealistic dialogue with herself. I don't know, maybe people talk to themselves more than I do, but at one point out of the blue she says, "And what about our texting? I wondered aloud." Well, first of all if you wonder something aloud it goes in quote marks. That's just fucking lazy, because I know she knows that because she does it properly later. But really my issue here is who is ever just sitting there silently thinking and then suddenly says out loud without any conversational prompt, "And what about our texting?" What? You're a fucking psycho. If I caught myself saying something like that when I was alone, I would be obliged to burst out laughing at how ridiculous I look to myself.

Stepping Outside the Box: 0 out of 5. This story really is too neat. I know it's supposed to be, but it pisses me off that there are housewives out there that identify with this main character--a woman who blatantly mentions that she gets through a lot of her life using her looks, who is motivated by getting married before she "runs out of hotness," who thinks of herself as independent yet doesn't actually do a hell of a lot by herself because she likes the idea of "being taken care of by someone." I am mad that there are actually people out there that really have as few problems as this. I mean, yes, her husband died, but like I said that is an obvious fantasy of a lot of people--to get out of a relationship with zero blame and it's soooo tragic. But fuck it who cares because there's instantly a perfect man waiting. It's too much. And don't fucking pretend to me you have never wished your partner was dead so you could get all the sympathy and none of the blame. Admit it.

Admit it, or I won't move on.

Overall: 3 out of 5. Like I said, this story had more realistic emotions and reactions than almost anything else I have ever reviewed. I know it looks like I contradict that like right above this, but actually no. I really believe there are people that identify with this, and I can't blame the author for writing for them. But despite this weird brand of realism, this story was also not entertaining. Like at all. But...it was written by a hard-working lady.

If you want advice on how to let your partner conveniently and romantically pass away, leaving you free and blameless, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Just admit it.

The Mighty Peculiar Incident in My Pants

This week I read The Might Peculiar Incident at Muddy Creek by Ian Thomas Healy.

(Link)
Description: "When the train doesn't stop in the Old West town of Muddy Creek, Sheriff Jesse Hawkins goes to investigate. What he finds is a mystery that goes far beyond anything in his experience: a car full of people frozen in time."

Well this story begins with all the cliches of a Western movie. The sheriff is the main character, and he walks into the office where the deputy greets him then wakes up the town drunk with water then goes out to find some whores. If you like reading the same story you have heard a thousand times, this is for you.

Oh, but wait! The sheriff deputizes a reluctant sidekick... yeah I guess that's still expected. B-but they chase down a train on horseback! ...uh...

Well once they stop the train, things are a bit different. Everyone is frozen solid inside the train car. They have no idea what's going on because, in the sheriff's words, "I ain't got no book learnin'." Oh sheriff, you cliche bastard.

Anyway, the Scotsman who was deputized presses a button on a strange device and the moment in time continues where it left off. Turns out there are criminals from the future trying to rob the train to invest the money and get interest.

Just one question. These future people are all ragged and lower-class sounding criminals. If time traveling devices are common enough for them to get hold of one, why isn't the past just filled with tons of people robbing trains for money and going back to the future to live off the interest?

No, okay, I know what you're thinking. "They could have stolen the time machine." Then why didn't they sell it, since it is obviously rare? "Maybe they invented it?" Then, again, why didn't they just sell it and become rich?

Sorry, I know, it's just a story. So, the sheriff asks how she can come back in time and rob a train without fucking up her own time, and she explains that a group of injuns is supposed to raid the train five miles before Muddy Creek and kill everyone anyway. The sheriff informs her the pinkerton man that shot her time machine and froze time fucked that plan because now they are already past Muddy Creek.

But fuck that lady's timeline, she's under arrest.

The End.

Ratings:

Consistent Sheriff: 0 out of 5. This one is quite simple. When he says, "I ain't got no book learnin'" when the Scotsman asks if the shiny future looking device could have frozen time, why in the fucking fuck did the sheriff immediately catch on and point out the contradiction in the criminals' plan that they would change their own timeline? "This's the Wild West. We slang guns, spit tabbaky, and ponder thought expuriments."

Speaking of that Timeline...: 0 out of 5. This story ended way too abruptly. Nothing was resolved. Except a lady was arrested, I guess, but it really seems to me like the real interesting story begins there. I guess this author just wanted to describe a bullet frozen in midair instead of the ramifications of this time criminal's actions, where she came from, or the way the town reacted to her.

Speaking of Reactions...: 0 out of 5. For unlearned country bumpkins, these people take future wizardry in fucking stride. I guess it sort of adds to the sheriff's character if he just gives not a single fuck about all the fancy shit the future people do, but it seems like he would be a little more interested. Or anyone on the train. They all just sort of bail as soon as possible without a word, and nobody is like, "Damn, we should find out what this lady has to say about the future." Well Muddy Creek don't roll that way. They gots mud, and that's the way they like it.

Overall: 3 out of 5. This story was okay, it just wasn't very good. It wasn't bad either, it was just a story. Time travel seems almost like cheating when people put it in stories, but at the same time it brings up so many contradictions that it almost cancels the gimmick out. Except for Looper. Looper totally made sense.



If you want to see my stories about time travel (which includes every single one of my stories) go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

The Effacement

This week I read The Basement by Chad P. Brown. Pffhehehe. Chad. Alright, I shouldn't judge him by his name. Actually, I really like the name Chad. It's great. Just say it to yourself right now. Chad.

(Link)

Description:

"On a dare from her best friends, Heather goes inside the town's haunted house, where Frank Blackwell killed his wife and then hung himself in the basement. But while in the house, Heather is confronted by a ghost from her past, her mother who died accidentally one year ago. Now, Heather must not only escape from the evil lurking inside the house, but from the demons of her own past."

Oh my god this sounds soooo original! I mean, this is a topic I can't even make fun of because of how creative it is. I especially would never have made fun of how common this exact scenario is. Definitely not two posts ago.

So this girl's friends dare her to go into a haunted house, and she does it because she doesn't want to be a chicken. I am not making this up, those are the exact words she uses.

The door slams shut behind her and won't open. So far, so expected. Then she decides to complete the bet, which is to go into the basement. She counts the steps on the way down for some reason and ends up with 33 or something, but looks back up and counts them again and there are only 12. Uh... spoooooky. The real horror story here is the failings of the American educational system.

Then, she has a flashback where she is fighting with her mom and her mom falls down the stairs and dies. She decides that this repressed memory is too fucked up and she should get the fuck out, but then her zombie mother appears at the top of the stairs.

Her mom says she is going to eat her, and she starts approaching. This stupid girl closes her eyes--totally self-aware that it's a stupid reaction because she mentions that it is like hiding under the covers when you are a kid.

Well, anyway, minutes pass and nothing happens, so she opens her eyes. The zombie mom is gone, she got off scott free!

In fact, she was able to process that repressed memory for once in a totally...uh... healthy way and she is actually glad she came to this haunted house. Plus she doesn't look like a chicken.

BUT JUMP SCARE OMIGOD HER MOM ATTACKS HER FROM BEHIND THE END.

Ratings:

Use of the Word House: 5 out of 5. This story had so fucking many instances of the word "house" that I almost went insane. Like we fucking get it! You're in a fucking house! Jesus. Seriously, the sentences read like, "She went up to the haunted house and put her hand on the knob of the house and opened the house's door and stepped into the house and it definitely looked like a haunted house and out of the walls of the house suddenly appeared the ghost of Doctor House." Stop. Enough house. And the shitty thing was for all the uses of the word house, it never came along with a fucking description. A HAUNTED HOUSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY BECAUSE OF HOW IT LOOKS, SOUNDS, AND SMELLS SO YOU SHOULD MENTION THOSE THINGS.

Speaking of Which, Descriptions: 2.5 out of 5. Now, I have been bitching a lot about descriptions lately I know, but this is an example where some descriptions are good and it allows for the horrible gaps to be pointed out. First, it would have been great to have even one fucking description of the house. What color was it? Nobody will ever know. But, it did start to go right when the zombie mother was described in detail. She looked all decaying and whatnot, and that's good. She's supposedly the scary part of the story, so the time spent there is not wasted. I think one area authors really fuck the pudding, though, is moving past visual descriptions. There aren't a lot of sounds, smells, tastes, or feelings in a lot of stories, and this one is no exception. It SHOULD be an exception though, because it is a horror story. Not only that, there was nothing visceral. Since it's horror I should know what the chill damp darkness feels like on your back, or what exactly your bowels are doing at any given moment. None of that in this story.

Mind-blowingly Self-Aware Cliches: 5 out of 5. This author has some insane talent for pointing out how overdone his own ideas are, immediately after he types them. He has lines saying that haunted houses are "a staple of American society," and he comments on things like, "her horror movie entrance." I really think if you are noticing how stupid this shit sounds even to the narrator who is experiencing them, you should cut it the fuck out.

Overall: 2 out of 5. Horror should be judged by how scary it is, right? Well this wasn't scary at all. It was a weird paradoxical mix of not describing enough and being way too obvious. For instance, lines like: "she started crying as her mind confronted its own assailant: the guilt over her mother's death," and, "She didn't know if the house was haunted or not, but she knew without a doubt that she'd dragged her own ghost inside with her -- a ghost which she'd finally put to rest," are WAY too obvious. Fuck, we KNOW she is haunted by her mother's death, that's what the fucking story is ABOUT, so why do you have to tell us again and again!? Like it's some fucking revelation that the ghost is a metaphor for her guilt or something!? GOD!

If you want to know what I am haunted by (hint: it's monkeys laughing at me after they steal my ice cream at the zoo) check out amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall. 

The Lol Owl

This week I read The Snow Owl by Jon Hartling.

(Link)

Description:

"Ben thinks his son’s talk of the magical kingdom of Lukana is just typical childhood imagination. But one winter day, when seven year-old Eric sculpts a snow owl in his backyard, he seems to set in motion events that cannot be anything but magical. Now Ben faces the terrifying prospect of losing his only child to a wintry spirit… a spirit that just might be the boy’s true father."

Well, Jon, you basically just spoiled the whole story there. What am I even going to say for the review? Uh... so this kid Eric sculpts a snow owl in his backyard, which seems to set in motion events that cannot be anything but magical...

Okay actually the story begins with this guy's wife dying during childbirth and her last words being something like, "I cheated on youuuuuuuu *death gasp.*" Well, not literally, but the kid is born with blonde hair and both of them are brunettes so obviously that never happens if you ignore biology class. Q.E.D.

The kid really likes winter and makes a snow owl, then an owl comes and the kid says it is a messenger from Narnia. The father just ignores it, but then every morning the owl's features are more defined and realistic. The kid says owls did it, so the dad stays up during the night, and sure enough some creepy owls come and sculpt the snow owl.

Now the father is super creeped out because the kid says once it is finished, the owl will carry him away to Narnia to be their prince. The dad, who thought about suicide and adoption as ways to get out of raising the kid before, is totally pissed off because he doesn't want his son to have an awesome prince life.

But luckily, the weather gets unseasonably hot because the story needs to end somehow and the owl tries to come to life prematurely while it's melting and falls apart screeching "Kiiiiill meeeee."

Then the kid grows brown hair and becomes normal. I guess no being a prince for him because... because the story has to end somehow. Chalk one up for the best dad in the world.

Oh and we never find out who banged his wife. Probably Big Foot. Kinky.

Ratings:

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY SHOW DON'T TELL!?: 3 out of 5. Most of this story happens completely disconnected from the actual story. It's all in the past. By which I mean of course it's all in past tense, but pages and pages before the story even happens there's a bunch of back story. "Eric was always a white kid..." sort of stuff. If you're telling a story then tell it, don't tell me about it. If most of the interesting stuff happens before the story, start the story earlier, or don't tell it in a linear way, or just write better. You know how in Harry Potter, all this stuff happened where Harry was given to his aunt and uncle when he was a baby? Remember how J.K. Rowling just told us that scene and about his troubled times growing up? No? Because she fucking wrote the scenes and SHOWED US like it was her job to make her book interesting. It's almost as if she's some sort of writer. I swear, this shit where authors start a story by saying "X was always basically flaming gay," is a fucking epidemic on Amazon. Cut it out!

Totally Calm About Fucking Crazy Shit Dad: 5 out of 5. For someone who contemplated suicide over his wife cheating on him once, this guy seriously takes the news of his son being the prince of Narnia in stride. He's just like, "Well, I'll be. That sucks." He hardly tries to do anything about it, and he just immediately shrugs it off when he sees owls carving a snow sculpture. Well, he doesn't literally, according to what the author tells us, but what he describes is nothing. No emotion, no thought process, just, "He couldn't believe it," in what I imagine was the deadpan, monotone voice of the narrator.

Deus Ex Machina Saving the Author, Not the Characters: 5 out of 5. Jon, this was only ten pages, and you just got tired of it like half way through? Was it about the time you had to start telling the story instead of summarizing past events? Maybe you should find an easier hobby. Masturbating works for me, although it does get harder the more often you do it. I can appreciate a little mystery about what would have happened if a heat wave hadn't saved your ass, but then just having the kid become normal is a little much. I guess if you had the guy nervously wait for next winter and wonder about how he was going to discourage his son from making any snow men it would cause you to think about his emotions a little too much, and then you would have to describe them and- I'm just getting tired thinking about all that work!

Overall: Meh out of 5. If you're too lazy to write a story, then I'm too lazy to rate it. What I can say is that while I was reading it I was thinking about how Neil Gaiman would have written it, and how that would have been way more enjoyable to read.

If you would like to read some other stories that Neil Gaiman would do a way better job writing, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall