Predictable Delivery

Wow, time flies. I didn't realize it has been over a month since I wrote a post, even though I normally do one per week. I was busy writing a giant thesis, so my apologies.

For my triumphant return I read Special Delivery by Lia Fairchild.

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Description:

"From Amazon Bestselling Author, Lia Fairchild
Free flowers every month for a year! Recently widowed Amy was delighted to find that she had won. Flowers had always been a big part of her life. But delivery driver Dave brings more than just bouquets. Can he help Amy find happiness again? Will Amy get even more than she bargained for? Find out in this short story about love, loss, friendship and flowers.

If you're looking for a quick read (only 5k words) with a sweet romantic feel, this is for you."

Wow, a best-selling author. Yes, this is the same author as Vigil Annie and A Hint of Murder. Her titles are almost as clever as my blog titles, and I obviously spend hours straining to find a brilliant pun each week.

Actually I'll be straight with you. From the description, this story is pretty predictable, but for what it is it's really not in the same league as the fucking awful shit that I normally review. For one thing, reading this didn't make my eyes sting--except with overwhelming emotion! But no seriously that was a joke just now about the emotion thing. I don't want to mislead you, I felt basically nothing when I read this. But that's nothing out of the ordinary. Sometimes I cut myself, while I watch videos of puppies getting killed, while listening to Nickelback, just to see if I can still feel.

Anyways, we have drifted from the point. The point is for the first time ever, I am giving the No Fine Print Actual Fucking Author Award to Lia Fairchild! She clearly works on, edits, and markets her material. Like, as if it is a job she actually takes seriously, and that is something I can not say about virtually any other person I have ever reviewed.

Plus, she is obviously a milf, so that is basically 70% of winning me over right there:

Oh yeah, I also read her story, so I should talk about that. Well, obviously this widow lady falls in love with the guy that delivers her flowers each month as part of a contest. On the last delivery she is all confused about her feelings (Yes! This character actually has feelings!) because the dude won't come to give her flowers anymore.

As you probably already guessed, there was actually no contest that she won to get all these flowers. The guy was just trying to make her feel better about her dead husband and slowly they fell in love with each other.

"But wait," you're saying, "isn't that really fucking creepy?" Well... yes! And with 99 point fucking 9 percent of shitty romance authors, this would be totally ignored. Not this author. She actually has the lady freak out about the weirdness of the flower guy doing this.

Of course, eventually it is all explained away and they end up fucking into the sunset, but there was a legitimate fucking conflict rooted in her guilt over moving on from her dead husband and the conflict between her feelings for the mustachioed (yeah he has a mustache, gross) flower guy and her traditional stance about being stalked.

Overall, I didn't really like the story, because it was predictable and kind of makes me paranoid about how many girlfriends have wished I would die so they could romantically be wrapped up in some totally well-meaning man's arms for a clean, guilt-free mustache ride, but I am also not a middle-aged housewife. I am just saying that logistically, this story was okay. Congratulations!

Ratings:

That Thing I Always Complain About When People Tell and Don't Show: 3 out of 5. The beginning of this story, like most short stories, is all telling about the past. It's a fucking epidemic! There are a number of pages filling us in on the fact that her husband died and this guy has been bringing her flowers for the past 12 months. Technically this happens all in a morning daydream, but I still say it's boring and fucking alienating. In fact, if you are not a super well-known author, I think it is fair to say you maybe shouldn't even use past perfect tense. Like if you're saying "At that party she hadn't even seen the dick-shaped cake or the penis ice sculpture, and thus hadn't realized both the bride and groom would be men," for a few pages, it is separating us from the story because it's not just in the past, it's in the fucking past's past!

Talking to Herself: 0 out of 5. This lady has some pretty unrealistic dialogue with herself. I don't know, maybe people talk to themselves more than I do, but at one point out of the blue she says, "And what about our texting? I wondered aloud." Well, first of all if you wonder something aloud it goes in quote marks. That's just fucking lazy, because I know she knows that because she does it properly later. But really my issue here is who is ever just sitting there silently thinking and then suddenly says out loud without any conversational prompt, "And what about our texting?" What? You're a fucking psycho. If I caught myself saying something like that when I was alone, I would be obliged to burst out laughing at how ridiculous I look to myself.

Stepping Outside the Box: 0 out of 5. This story really is too neat. I know it's supposed to be, but it pisses me off that there are housewives out there that identify with this main character--a woman who blatantly mentions that she gets through a lot of her life using her looks, who is motivated by getting married before she "runs out of hotness," who thinks of herself as independent yet doesn't actually do a hell of a lot by herself because she likes the idea of "being taken care of by someone." I am mad that there are actually people out there that really have as few problems as this. I mean, yes, her husband died, but like I said that is an obvious fantasy of a lot of people--to get out of a relationship with zero blame and it's soooo tragic. But fuck it who cares because there's instantly a perfect man waiting. It's too much. And don't fucking pretend to me you have never wished your partner was dead so you could get all the sympathy and none of the blame. Admit it.

Admit it, or I won't move on.

Overall: 3 out of 5. Like I said, this story had more realistic emotions and reactions than almost anything else I have ever reviewed. I know it looks like I contradict that like right above this, but actually no. I really believe there are people that identify with this, and I can't blame the author for writing for them. But despite this weird brand of realism, this story was also not entertaining. Like at all. But...it was written by a hard-working lady.

If you want advice on how to let your partner conveniently and romantically pass away, leaving you free and blameless, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Just admit it.

The Mighty Peculiar Incident in My Pants

This week I read The Might Peculiar Incident at Muddy Creek by Ian Thomas Healy.

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Description: "When the train doesn't stop in the Old West town of Muddy Creek, Sheriff Jesse Hawkins goes to investigate. What he finds is a mystery that goes far beyond anything in his experience: a car full of people frozen in time."

Well this story begins with all the cliches of a Western movie. The sheriff is the main character, and he walks into the office where the deputy greets him then wakes up the town drunk with water then goes out to find some whores. If you like reading the same story you have heard a thousand times, this is for you.

Oh, but wait! The sheriff deputizes a reluctant sidekick... yeah I guess that's still expected. B-but they chase down a train on horseback! ...uh...

Well once they stop the train, things are a bit different. Everyone is frozen solid inside the train car. They have no idea what's going on because, in the sheriff's words, "I ain't got no book learnin'." Oh sheriff, you cliche bastard.

Anyway, the Scotsman who was deputized presses a button on a strange device and the moment in time continues where it left off. Turns out there are criminals from the future trying to rob the train to invest the money and get interest.

Just one question. These future people are all ragged and lower-class sounding criminals. If time traveling devices are common enough for them to get hold of one, why isn't the past just filled with tons of people robbing trains for money and going back to the future to live off the interest?

No, okay, I know what you're thinking. "They could have stolen the time machine." Then why didn't they sell it, since it is obviously rare? "Maybe they invented it?" Then, again, why didn't they just sell it and become rich?

Sorry, I know, it's just a story. So, the sheriff asks how she can come back in time and rob a train without fucking up her own time, and she explains that a group of injuns is supposed to raid the train five miles before Muddy Creek and kill everyone anyway. The sheriff informs her the pinkerton man that shot her time machine and froze time fucked that plan because now they are already past Muddy Creek.

But fuck that lady's timeline, she's under arrest.

The End.

Ratings:

Consistent Sheriff: 0 out of 5. This one is quite simple. When he says, "I ain't got no book learnin'" when the Scotsman asks if the shiny future looking device could have frozen time, why in the fucking fuck did the sheriff immediately catch on and point out the contradiction in the criminals' plan that they would change their own timeline? "This's the Wild West. We slang guns, spit tabbaky, and ponder thought expuriments."

Speaking of that Timeline...: 0 out of 5. This story ended way too abruptly. Nothing was resolved. Except a lady was arrested, I guess, but it really seems to me like the real interesting story begins there. I guess this author just wanted to describe a bullet frozen in midair instead of the ramifications of this time criminal's actions, where she came from, or the way the town reacted to her.

Speaking of Reactions...: 0 out of 5. For unlearned country bumpkins, these people take future wizardry in fucking stride. I guess it sort of adds to the sheriff's character if he just gives not a single fuck about all the fancy shit the future people do, but it seems like he would be a little more interested. Or anyone on the train. They all just sort of bail as soon as possible without a word, and nobody is like, "Damn, we should find out what this lady has to say about the future." Well Muddy Creek don't roll that way. They gots mud, and that's the way they like it.

Overall: 3 out of 5. This story was okay, it just wasn't very good. It wasn't bad either, it was just a story. Time travel seems almost like cheating when people put it in stories, but at the same time it brings up so many contradictions that it almost cancels the gimmick out. Except for Looper. Looper totally made sense.



If you want to see my stories about time travel (which includes every single one of my stories) go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

The Effacement

This week I read The Basement by Chad P. Brown. Pffhehehe. Chad. Alright, I shouldn't judge him by his name. Actually, I really like the name Chad. It's great. Just say it to yourself right now. Chad.

(Link)

Description:

"On a dare from her best friends, Heather goes inside the town's haunted house, where Frank Blackwell killed his wife and then hung himself in the basement. But while in the house, Heather is confronted by a ghost from her past, her mother who died accidentally one year ago. Now, Heather must not only escape from the evil lurking inside the house, but from the demons of her own past."

Oh my god this sounds soooo original! I mean, this is a topic I can't even make fun of because of how creative it is. I especially would never have made fun of how common this exact scenario is. Definitely not two posts ago.

So this girl's friends dare her to go into a haunted house, and she does it because she doesn't want to be a chicken. I am not making this up, those are the exact words she uses.

The door slams shut behind her and won't open. So far, so expected. Then she decides to complete the bet, which is to go into the basement. She counts the steps on the way down for some reason and ends up with 33 or something, but looks back up and counts them again and there are only 12. Uh... spoooooky. The real horror story here is the failings of the American educational system.

Then, she has a flashback where she is fighting with her mom and her mom falls down the stairs and dies. She decides that this repressed memory is too fucked up and she should get the fuck out, but then her zombie mother appears at the top of the stairs.

Her mom says she is going to eat her, and she starts approaching. This stupid girl closes her eyes--totally self-aware that it's a stupid reaction because she mentions that it is like hiding under the covers when you are a kid.

Well, anyway, minutes pass and nothing happens, so she opens her eyes. The zombie mom is gone, she got off scott free!

In fact, she was able to process that repressed memory for once in a totally...uh... healthy way and she is actually glad she came to this haunted house. Plus she doesn't look like a chicken.

BUT JUMP SCARE OMIGOD HER MOM ATTACKS HER FROM BEHIND THE END.

Ratings:

Use of the Word House: 5 out of 5. This story had so fucking many instances of the word "house" that I almost went insane. Like we fucking get it! You're in a fucking house! Jesus. Seriously, the sentences read like, "She went up to the haunted house and put her hand on the knob of the house and opened the house's door and stepped into the house and it definitely looked like a haunted house and out of the walls of the house suddenly appeared the ghost of Doctor House." Stop. Enough house. And the shitty thing was for all the uses of the word house, it never came along with a fucking description. A HAUNTED HOUSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY BECAUSE OF HOW IT LOOKS, SOUNDS, AND SMELLS SO YOU SHOULD MENTION THOSE THINGS.

Speaking of Which, Descriptions: 2.5 out of 5. Now, I have been bitching a lot about descriptions lately I know, but this is an example where some descriptions are good and it allows for the horrible gaps to be pointed out. First, it would have been great to have even one fucking description of the house. What color was it? Nobody will ever know. But, it did start to go right when the zombie mother was described in detail. She looked all decaying and whatnot, and that's good. She's supposedly the scary part of the story, so the time spent there is not wasted. I think one area authors really fuck the pudding, though, is moving past visual descriptions. There aren't a lot of sounds, smells, tastes, or feelings in a lot of stories, and this one is no exception. It SHOULD be an exception though, because it is a horror story. Not only that, there was nothing visceral. Since it's horror I should know what the chill damp darkness feels like on your back, or what exactly your bowels are doing at any given moment. None of that in this story.

Mind-blowingly Self-Aware Cliches: 5 out of 5. This author has some insane talent for pointing out how overdone his own ideas are, immediately after he types them. He has lines saying that haunted houses are "a staple of American society," and he comments on things like, "her horror movie entrance." I really think if you are noticing how stupid this shit sounds even to the narrator who is experiencing them, you should cut it the fuck out.

Overall: 2 out of 5. Horror should be judged by how scary it is, right? Well this wasn't scary at all. It was a weird paradoxical mix of not describing enough and being way too obvious. For instance, lines like: "she started crying as her mind confronted its own assailant: the guilt over her mother's death," and, "She didn't know if the house was haunted or not, but she knew without a doubt that she'd dragged her own ghost inside with her -- a ghost which she'd finally put to rest," are WAY too obvious. Fuck, we KNOW she is haunted by her mother's death, that's what the fucking story is ABOUT, so why do you have to tell us again and again!? Like it's some fucking revelation that the ghost is a metaphor for her guilt or something!? GOD!

If you want to know what I am haunted by (hint: it's monkeys laughing at me after they steal my ice cream at the zoo) check out amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall. 

The Lol Owl

This week I read The Snow Owl by Jon Hartling.

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Description:

"Ben thinks his son’s talk of the magical kingdom of Lukana is just typical childhood imagination. But one winter day, when seven year-old Eric sculpts a snow owl in his backyard, he seems to set in motion events that cannot be anything but magical. Now Ben faces the terrifying prospect of losing his only child to a wintry spirit… a spirit that just might be the boy’s true father."

Well, Jon, you basically just spoiled the whole story there. What am I even going to say for the review? Uh... so this kid Eric sculpts a snow owl in his backyard, which seems to set in motion events that cannot be anything but magical...

Okay actually the story begins with this guy's wife dying during childbirth and her last words being something like, "I cheated on youuuuuuuu *death gasp.*" Well, not literally, but the kid is born with blonde hair and both of them are brunettes so obviously that never happens if you ignore biology class. Q.E.D.

The kid really likes winter and makes a snow owl, then an owl comes and the kid says it is a messenger from Narnia. The father just ignores it, but then every morning the owl's features are more defined and realistic. The kid says owls did it, so the dad stays up during the night, and sure enough some creepy owls come and sculpt the snow owl.

Now the father is super creeped out because the kid says once it is finished, the owl will carry him away to Narnia to be their prince. The dad, who thought about suicide and adoption as ways to get out of raising the kid before, is totally pissed off because he doesn't want his son to have an awesome prince life.

But luckily, the weather gets unseasonably hot because the story needs to end somehow and the owl tries to come to life prematurely while it's melting and falls apart screeching "Kiiiiill meeeee."

Then the kid grows brown hair and becomes normal. I guess no being a prince for him because... because the story has to end somehow. Chalk one up for the best dad in the world.

Oh and we never find out who banged his wife. Probably Big Foot. Kinky.

Ratings:

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY SHOW DON'T TELL!?: 3 out of 5. Most of this story happens completely disconnected from the actual story. It's all in the past. By which I mean of course it's all in past tense, but pages and pages before the story even happens there's a bunch of back story. "Eric was always a white kid..." sort of stuff. If you're telling a story then tell it, don't tell me about it. If most of the interesting stuff happens before the story, start the story earlier, or don't tell it in a linear way, or just write better. You know how in Harry Potter, all this stuff happened where Harry was given to his aunt and uncle when he was a baby? Remember how J.K. Rowling just told us that scene and about his troubled times growing up? No? Because she fucking wrote the scenes and SHOWED US like it was her job to make her book interesting. It's almost as if she's some sort of writer. I swear, this shit where authors start a story by saying "X was always basically flaming gay," is a fucking epidemic on Amazon. Cut it out!

Totally Calm About Fucking Crazy Shit Dad: 5 out of 5. For someone who contemplated suicide over his wife cheating on him once, this guy seriously takes the news of his son being the prince of Narnia in stride. He's just like, "Well, I'll be. That sucks." He hardly tries to do anything about it, and he just immediately shrugs it off when he sees owls carving a snow sculpture. Well, he doesn't literally, according to what the author tells us, but what he describes is nothing. No emotion, no thought process, just, "He couldn't believe it," in what I imagine was the deadpan, monotone voice of the narrator.

Deus Ex Machina Saving the Author, Not the Characters: 5 out of 5. Jon, this was only ten pages, and you just got tired of it like half way through? Was it about the time you had to start telling the story instead of summarizing past events? Maybe you should find an easier hobby. Masturbating works for me, although it does get harder the more often you do it. I can appreciate a little mystery about what would have happened if a heat wave hadn't saved your ass, but then just having the kid become normal is a little much. I guess if you had the guy nervously wait for next winter and wonder about how he was going to discourage his son from making any snow men it would cause you to think about his emotions a little too much, and then you would have to describe them and- I'm just getting tired thinking about all that work!

Overall: Meh out of 5. If you're too lazy to write a story, then I'm too lazy to rate it. What I can say is that while I was reading it I was thinking about how Neil Gaiman would have written it, and how that would have been way more enjoyable to read.

If you would like to read some other stories that Neil Gaiman would do a way better job writing, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Lame Way Out

Today I read No Way Out, a story without an ending by MJ Ware.

(Link)

Description:

"Includes two free additional short stories. 

That's three 'terrorific' short stories for one low price. 

No Way out - Mike takes a bet to go inside a haunted house, but will he live long enough to collect? 

Also includes: 
The Price of Friendship – How much is a best friend worth? Joey finds out the hard way. 

Hobgoblin Horror – Jake only volunteered at the retirement home because Shelby works there. So, it's no wonder he's doesn't hear Mr. Fitches' warnings about a local homicidal hobgoblin—too bad for him. "

Ugh, "terrorific"? Being the title story, I am assuming this was the best one. Sooo I'm not gonna read the others.

Here you have your basic bet to go into a haunted house story. It's weird that this type of story is a cliche, because I actually can't name another example. They must have all been so scary I forgot them.

Basically, whatshisname goes into the haunted house, finds his friend's lame booby trap, then a cat attacks him and he falls through the stairs. After a while, his friend comes in after him and that idiot also falls down the stairs. There, they find themselves trapped inside a pit with NO WAY OUT.

The End.

Also, they eat the cat.

Ratings:

Realistic Narration: 3 out of 5. The narration was actually pretty okay. He used words like "gonna" because it's a kid doing the narration. It flowed pretty smoothly, with only a few grammatical errors. The tone was a little off for a horror story though. I was so far from the edge of my seat that I fell backwards.

The Dialogue, On the Other Hand...: 2 out of 5. The beginning read like, "I DARE you to, CHICKEN!" and it wouldn't be a horror story if someone didn't say, "M-m-mike...?" This is the sort of shit that has my eyes rolling until the retinas disconnect. Not only were there no real visceral descriptions of the fear or panic that the characters felt (actually no descriptions at all), but the dialogue didn't show it either. So all I have to go off of is the strength of my imagination and things just...happening, and anyone that has shared a bed with me can tell you my imagination is not incredibly strong.

The Ending: Lazy out of 5. The ending is that there is no way out, and it is presumed that they are going to die, but it never reaches the point where they die, it only goes to like a week later after they have eaten the cat. When his friend fell down the hole, he busted his leg and blood started spilling everywhere. That's a good opportunity to do ANYTHING. Does the friend die? Does the main character eat him? How does he FEEL- fuck! Better yet, have the main character break his leg and tell us the terror of THAT. Or is it too edgy to have the main character be in state of real panic in a horror story? IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT, CAUSE HE JUST TELLS THE STORY LIKE IT'S NOTHING. WHAT THE HELL!? JUST WRITE ANYTHING DOWN, JUST THINK OF AN ENDING AND WRITE IT DOWN.

Sorry. Overall: 1.5 out of 5. The worst part of this story is there is so little to work with. I can't even say anything interesting about it because it's just empty. How do you review a blank fucking page?

"The color is not quite white, but rather sort of off-white, but not as dark as a recycled blank page. There are also none of those little spots, and the strength and quality are superior to recycled paper. The corners are crisply cut..." -- Just a sample from my Blank Page Series at amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

When God Farts Loudly

Today I read When God Whispers Loudly by Chris M. Hibbard. Pretty mormon sounding name, wonder what this story will be about.

(Link)

Description:

"When God whispers, the wise listen. In this short story, a busy husband and father fails to heed the quiet voice of the Lord. In doing so, he experiences the loving admonition of God whispering loudly."

Over a half million copies!? What a waste of cyber paper.

So in this short a guy doesn't get promoted in part, I guess, because he is always going to his kids' school plays and stuff. He asks God in his head why his family demands so much, and promptly crashes his car.

He wakes up 15 years later from a coma and is able to hang out with his family immediately; no muscle atrophy problems or anything. It is explained that he talks to his family for a day and a half, trying to stay awake because he apparently overheard the doctor saying he will fall asleep and never wake up again. Cause doctors totally know everything about comas.

Anyway he is all proud of his family because they are super ultra Christian even though he worried that they might not be. His kids even tell him they were influenced by lectures he never actually gave them (and it is never explained why but fuuuck iiiiiit only got ten pages to write this short can't be just tying loose ends all day).

If you hadn't guessed by now, he obviously wakes up in the hospital after the car crash and was never actually in a coma. It was all just God telling him to stop being a dick. We know this not from the title, because we would be way too fucking stupid to get something SO subtle, but from God literally talking to him and saying, "Next time I whisper something at you, FUCKING LISTEN!"

OKAY, WE GET IT.

Ratings:

Why This Asshole? 5 out of 5. Okay first of all he just idly was like, "Dammit, I wish my job and family didn't conflict so much," and God's response is to instantly fuck him over in a terrible accident. Nice object lesson, God. Also, there is no indication before the crash that God tried to "whisper" at him and he didn't listen. It just starts right off with the accident. In fact, there is no God whispering in this story, just a lot of God yelling. And why is this guy so special? If you don't like your family that means God will choose you for a special faith-affirming vision cause you're a dick? Where is faith involved in this at all? There is nothing noble about this guy's transformation. He is a dick, then God says, "HEY I'M REAL AND YOUR FAMILY IS IMPORTANT!" That's got to mean you're in God's remedial class or something. I guess that means atheists don't actually exist, because there would be a hell of a lot more terrible accidents followed by people saying, "Oh, God straight up told me what to do with my life. I mean, I still have free will...I think? But it doesn't really mean much at this point."

Telling Instead of Showing: 5 out of 5. There are like three lines of dialogue in this entire story, and they are all God telling the dude the moral of the story. We never find out what the important life lessons his children learned are or anyone's name or anything. Even when he overhears the doctor talking about him, this scene is not shown, but simply told to us. The doctor exists in some aether disconnected from space or time or the plot of the story. When did this doctor come? What tests did he do? What did he say to this nameless man? When he wakes out of his coma there are youths around his bed. It is later revealed that they are his children and their spouses, but how many? What do they look like? How old are they? The only thing we know about these shapeless people is that he is proud of them for being Christian--because he told us.

What's the Point? 5 out of 5. So he sees the future, in which his family is super awesome and Christ-loving. This happened in his absence of 15 years. So, my only question is...how the fuck does that mean he is spending too much time at work!? They were fine without him for 15 years, right? At this point, he should probably try to stay away from them as much as possible.

But I know what you're thinking. That's why the author put in the weird part about how the kids remember advice he never gave them. Well, that's not a fucking explanation for anything except that the author realized the very thing I just pointed out and tried to patch it with something that makes absolutely no fucking sense. God works in mysterious ways! And by mysterious I mean ultra blunt. Like he'll fuck you up and possibly cripple you if you mess with him.

Overall: 2 out of 5. I know I am contradicting the 1000+ 4.5 star Amazon reviews here, but seriously those are all just, "Hey this story has the word God in it. How inspiring!" And before you call me out on being a dick, I know this is true because I have received reviews from people that were like, "This is so inspiring!" because they obviously didn't bother to read the end of the story where heaven is revealed as a dystopia. SPOILERS! But don't get all pissed off. It's just fiction.

Seriously it's a weird story. It's not my favorite but if you want to check it out go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Laxian Duty

This week I read Dog Aliens: Kaxian Duty by Cherise Kelley. When I saw the cover, I couldn't resist.

(Link)

Description:

"Our dogs lead secret lives while we're at work. At three months old, Clem faces his first day of Kaxian duty with anxiety. What will his assignment be? His tail has a mind of its own, which doesn't help matters any. This is a short story 10 paperback pages long."

If you think this looks like the text version of a lame children's movie where the dogs' mouths are animated and the only enjoyment is fart jokes, you are right. Except there are no fart jokes, and I thought I would never say this, but that means there is no reason to read this.

Yes, it is for kids, but in her introduction she says she included a sample chapter of the novel series (yes, there is a series of novels about dog aliens, and the world would be a dark place without it) so that adults could see that they can enjoy it too. Well, to be fair, I didn't read the sample chapter so I can't pass judgement, but I'm just going to assume it sucks and I wouldn't enjoy it.

So anyway, Clem's dad gives him advice for his first day on Kaxian duty (the story never really explains what the fuck that entails, just aliens something something) and he is on his way. But on the road he has several wacky encounters with cats and rival alien chihuahuas! ROFL! All of which end in Clem remembering his dad told him to ignore that shit and get to work.

Finally he arrives there, he meets some friends, and the bosses inform him he will be a miner. When he and his friends show their disappointment (through their ADORABLE tails! PUPPIEEEES YAAAAY!) one of the bosses tells them they were too busy dicking around (ADORABLY! PUUUUUPPPIIIIIIEEEEEESSSSSS) which made them late so they have to be miners instead of receiving the coveted defender position.

At the end of the day Clem tells his friends goodbye and is sad to see them go, reflecting that all in all the first day of Kaxian duty was pretty sweet. Wait, what? But nothing really happened? What was so sweet about it?

Ratings:

Adorable Tail Wags: 5 out of 5. The most used phrase of this story was "my tail went under my belly and started wagging nervously." Seriously I think it was in there at least 82 times. That was actually most of the text in the story. But can there really be too much adorable puppy tail wagging? Yes. Yes there can.

Consistent Voice: 0 out of 5. This puppy talks a lot about how he hates being a stupid puppy that can't control his body and doesn't know anything, but then turns around and starts using ten-dollar words. Example:

"Third on my list of things to hate about being a puppy is the short attention span. Clarity of purpose is not my strong point, but we'll get to that in a minute."

See how it's not really consistent that he uses phrases like "clarity of purpose" when- Oh my god his tail went under his belly! So CUTE!

Conflict: 1 out of 5. Okay, there was conflict in a way, like there was an asshole cat and stuff but there wasn't really a sense of urgency impressed on the reader to let us know why chasing a cat will get him in trouble. It was mentioned, but the distractions read more like, "OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE PUPPY!" Then at the end Clem is just sort of screwed into being a child miner. That's pretty fucking bleak for a children's story, and then it just basically ends there.

"Well, you were late twice. Report for sex-slave duty. No excuses."

Overall: 2 out of 5. I rated it higher just because it's for children, but I think I might be insulting children. Children's books aren't just written by lazy assholes that can't write a real story, you know? Kids are actually smart and curious and it takes more than fucking puppies to keep their attention--well, I mean writing about puppies, because a real live one is fucking awesome fun for the whole family. And just so you don't think I'm a cynical asshole let me tell you that I loved the shit out of Hank The Cowdog when I was younger. What set it apart was real conflict, clever humor, and making a dog think he's important when at the end of the day he is just a dog. It takes talent, even to write for those so-called idiots we call children, you patronizing asshole.

If you want to read my Hank The Cowdog fanfiction erotica, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall