Lame Way Out

Today I read No Way Out, a story without an ending by MJ Ware.

(Link)

Description:

"Includes two free additional short stories. 

That's three 'terrorific' short stories for one low price. 

No Way out - Mike takes a bet to go inside a haunted house, but will he live long enough to collect? 

Also includes: 
The Price of Friendship – How much is a best friend worth? Joey finds out the hard way. 

Hobgoblin Horror – Jake only volunteered at the retirement home because Shelby works there. So, it's no wonder he's doesn't hear Mr. Fitches' warnings about a local homicidal hobgoblin—too bad for him. "

Ugh, "terrorific"? Being the title story, I am assuming this was the best one. Sooo I'm not gonna read the others.

Here you have your basic bet to go into a haunted house story. It's weird that this type of story is a cliche, because I actually can't name another example. They must have all been so scary I forgot them.

Basically, whatshisname goes into the haunted house, finds his friend's lame booby trap, then a cat attacks him and he falls through the stairs. After a while, his friend comes in after him and that idiot also falls down the stairs. There, they find themselves trapped inside a pit with NO WAY OUT.

The End.

Also, they eat the cat.

Ratings:

Realistic Narration: 3 out of 5. The narration was actually pretty okay. He used words like "gonna" because it's a kid doing the narration. It flowed pretty smoothly, with only a few grammatical errors. The tone was a little off for a horror story though. I was so far from the edge of my seat that I fell backwards.

The Dialogue, On the Other Hand...: 2 out of 5. The beginning read like, "I DARE you to, CHICKEN!" and it wouldn't be a horror story if someone didn't say, "M-m-mike...?" This is the sort of shit that has my eyes rolling until the retinas disconnect. Not only were there no real visceral descriptions of the fear or panic that the characters felt (actually no descriptions at all), but the dialogue didn't show it either. So all I have to go off of is the strength of my imagination and things just...happening, and anyone that has shared a bed with me can tell you my imagination is not incredibly strong.

The Ending: Lazy out of 5. The ending is that there is no way out, and it is presumed that they are going to die, but it never reaches the point where they die, it only goes to like a week later after they have eaten the cat. When his friend fell down the hole, he busted his leg and blood started spilling everywhere. That's a good opportunity to do ANYTHING. Does the friend die? Does the main character eat him? How does he FEEL- fuck! Better yet, have the main character break his leg and tell us the terror of THAT. Or is it too edgy to have the main character be in state of real panic in a horror story? IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT, CAUSE HE JUST TELLS THE STORY LIKE IT'S NOTHING. WHAT THE HELL!? JUST WRITE ANYTHING DOWN, JUST THINK OF AN ENDING AND WRITE IT DOWN.

Sorry. Overall: 1.5 out of 5. The worst part of this story is there is so little to work with. I can't even say anything interesting about it because it's just empty. How do you review a blank fucking page?

"The color is not quite white, but rather sort of off-white, but not as dark as a recycled blank page. There are also none of those little spots, and the strength and quality are superior to recycled paper. The corners are crisply cut..." -- Just a sample from my Blank Page Series at amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

When God Farts Loudly

Today I read When God Whispers Loudly by Chris M. Hibbard. Pretty mormon sounding name, wonder what this story will be about.

(Link)

Description:

"When God whispers, the wise listen. In this short story, a busy husband and father fails to heed the quiet voice of the Lord. In doing so, he experiences the loving admonition of God whispering loudly."

Over a half million copies!? What a waste of cyber paper.

So in this short a guy doesn't get promoted in part, I guess, because he is always going to his kids' school plays and stuff. He asks God in his head why his family demands so much, and promptly crashes his car.

He wakes up 15 years later from a coma and is able to hang out with his family immediately; no muscle atrophy problems or anything. It is explained that he talks to his family for a day and a half, trying to stay awake because he apparently overheard the doctor saying he will fall asleep and never wake up again. Cause doctors totally know everything about comas.

Anyway he is all proud of his family because they are super ultra Christian even though he worried that they might not be. His kids even tell him they were influenced by lectures he never actually gave them (and it is never explained why but fuuuck iiiiiit only got ten pages to write this short can't be just tying loose ends all day).

If you hadn't guessed by now, he obviously wakes up in the hospital after the car crash and was never actually in a coma. It was all just God telling him to stop being a dick. We know this not from the title, because we would be way too fucking stupid to get something SO subtle, but from God literally talking to him and saying, "Next time I whisper something at you, FUCKING LISTEN!"

OKAY, WE GET IT.

Ratings:

Why This Asshole? 5 out of 5. Okay first of all he just idly was like, "Dammit, I wish my job and family didn't conflict so much," and God's response is to instantly fuck him over in a terrible accident. Nice object lesson, God. Also, there is no indication before the crash that God tried to "whisper" at him and he didn't listen. It just starts right off with the accident. In fact, there is no God whispering in this story, just a lot of God yelling. And why is this guy so special? If you don't like your family that means God will choose you for a special faith-affirming vision cause you're a dick? Where is faith involved in this at all? There is nothing noble about this guy's transformation. He is a dick, then God says, "HEY I'M REAL AND YOUR FAMILY IS IMPORTANT!" That's got to mean you're in God's remedial class or something. I guess that means atheists don't actually exist, because there would be a hell of a lot more terrible accidents followed by people saying, "Oh, God straight up told me what to do with my life. I mean, I still have free will...I think? But it doesn't really mean much at this point."

Telling Instead of Showing: 5 out of 5. There are like three lines of dialogue in this entire story, and they are all God telling the dude the moral of the story. We never find out what the important life lessons his children learned are or anyone's name or anything. Even when he overhears the doctor talking about him, this scene is not shown, but simply told to us. The doctor exists in some aether disconnected from space or time or the plot of the story. When did this doctor come? What tests did he do? What did he say to this nameless man? When he wakes out of his coma there are youths around his bed. It is later revealed that they are his children and their spouses, but how many? What do they look like? How old are they? The only thing we know about these shapeless people is that he is proud of them for being Christian--because he told us.

What's the Point? 5 out of 5. So he sees the future, in which his family is super awesome and Christ-loving. This happened in his absence of 15 years. So, my only question is...how the fuck does that mean he is spending too much time at work!? They were fine without him for 15 years, right? At this point, he should probably try to stay away from them as much as possible.

But I know what you're thinking. That's why the author put in the weird part about how the kids remember advice he never gave them. Well, that's not a fucking explanation for anything except that the author realized the very thing I just pointed out and tried to patch it with something that makes absolutely no fucking sense. God works in mysterious ways! And by mysterious I mean ultra blunt. Like he'll fuck you up and possibly cripple you if you mess with him.

Overall: 2 out of 5. I know I am contradicting the 1000+ 4.5 star Amazon reviews here, but seriously those are all just, "Hey this story has the word God in it. How inspiring!" And before you call me out on being a dick, I know this is true because I have received reviews from people that were like, "This is so inspiring!" because they obviously didn't bother to read the end of the story where heaven is revealed as a dystopia. SPOILERS! But don't get all pissed off. It's just fiction.

Seriously it's a weird story. It's not my favorite but if you want to check it out go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Laxian Duty

This week I read Dog Aliens: Kaxian Duty by Cherise Kelley. When I saw the cover, I couldn't resist.

(Link)

Description:

"Our dogs lead secret lives while we're at work. At three months old, Clem faces his first day of Kaxian duty with anxiety. What will his assignment be? His tail has a mind of its own, which doesn't help matters any. This is a short story 10 paperback pages long."

If you think this looks like the text version of a lame children's movie where the dogs' mouths are animated and the only enjoyment is fart jokes, you are right. Except there are no fart jokes, and I thought I would never say this, but that means there is no reason to read this.

Yes, it is for kids, but in her introduction she says she included a sample chapter of the novel series (yes, there is a series of novels about dog aliens, and the world would be a dark place without it) so that adults could see that they can enjoy it too. Well, to be fair, I didn't read the sample chapter so I can't pass judgement, but I'm just going to assume it sucks and I wouldn't enjoy it.

So anyway, Clem's dad gives him advice for his first day on Kaxian duty (the story never really explains what the fuck that entails, just aliens something something) and he is on his way. But on the road he has several wacky encounters with cats and rival alien chihuahuas! ROFL! All of which end in Clem remembering his dad told him to ignore that shit and get to work.

Finally he arrives there, he meets some friends, and the bosses inform him he will be a miner. When he and his friends show their disappointment (through their ADORABLE tails! PUPPIEEEES YAAAAY!) one of the bosses tells them they were too busy dicking around (ADORABLY! PUUUUUPPPIIIIIIEEEEEESSSSSS) which made them late so they have to be miners instead of receiving the coveted defender position.

At the end of the day Clem tells his friends goodbye and is sad to see them go, reflecting that all in all the first day of Kaxian duty was pretty sweet. Wait, what? But nothing really happened? What was so sweet about it?

Ratings:

Adorable Tail Wags: 5 out of 5. The most used phrase of this story was "my tail went under my belly and started wagging nervously." Seriously I think it was in there at least 82 times. That was actually most of the text in the story. But can there really be too much adorable puppy tail wagging? Yes. Yes there can.

Consistent Voice: 0 out of 5. This puppy talks a lot about how he hates being a stupid puppy that can't control his body and doesn't know anything, but then turns around and starts using ten-dollar words. Example:

"Third on my list of things to hate about being a puppy is the short attention span. Clarity of purpose is not my strong point, but we'll get to that in a minute."

See how it's not really consistent that he uses phrases like "clarity of purpose" when- Oh my god his tail went under his belly! So CUTE!

Conflict: 1 out of 5. Okay, there was conflict in a way, like there was an asshole cat and stuff but there wasn't really a sense of urgency impressed on the reader to let us know why chasing a cat will get him in trouble. It was mentioned, but the distractions read more like, "OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE PUPPY!" Then at the end Clem is just sort of screwed into being a child miner. That's pretty fucking bleak for a children's story, and then it just basically ends there.

"Well, you were late twice. Report for sex-slave duty. No excuses."

Overall: 2 out of 5. I rated it higher just because it's for children, but I think I might be insulting children. Children's books aren't just written by lazy assholes that can't write a real story, you know? Kids are actually smart and curious and it takes more than fucking puppies to keep their attention--well, I mean writing about puppies, because a real live one is fucking awesome fun for the whole family. And just so you don't think I'm a cynical asshole let me tell you that I loved the shit out of Hank The Cowdog when I was younger. What set it apart was real conflict, clever humor, and making a dog think he's important when at the end of the day he is just a dog. It takes talent, even to write for those so-called idiots we call children, you patronizing asshole.

If you want to read my Hank The Cowdog fanfiction erotica, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Arbitrary Lover

Today I read Artificial Lover by Erica Conroy. TELL me you're not intrigued!

(Link)

Description:

"AL is an artificial lover. His sole purpose is to bring pleasure to women. Like other sex-bots, he is designed with the end user in mind. Precise and accurate sensors make him sensitive to a woman's state of arousal, which allows his processors to program and adapt the perfect routine to ensure complete customer satisfaction. Unlike other sex-bots, AL has fallen in love. "

Woman's fantasy here. That's alright, I'll get in the mindset and everything. Hold on....

Okay, I stuffed my shirt, that should do it, right? So as you might have guessed by the description telling you, this is a story about a sex robot. Just as an aside, if you replaced him with a female real doll and had the same story, people would think it's creepy. How do I know? There is a documentary about guys falling in love with real dolls, and all you closed-minded fucks think it's creepy. ...Okay it's a little creepy.

But anyway, AL is a sexbot, and also apparently a prostitute available to the public and has an appointment every half hour (Yeah right, YOU try to make a woman orgasm in just a half hour!). But he is checking his watch waiting for his technician, Sally, to come and "do maintenance" on him.

Seriously though she just does maintenance on him. But this time he decides to grab her boob. AND IT WORKS. Try to grab a woman's boob next time she is going about her job. Totally doesn't go the way you want it to.

Anyway, they have sex, and it actually reveals a lot about this author's idea of fantasy. First, AL is physically everything she wants in a man--tall, huge pecs, stubble, and giant dick. Big surprise there. He also has a reputation for being somewhat of a sex bot. Seriously she found it necessary to mention this. The interesting thing is there are a ton of subtle hints about AL fucking tons of women, which is obviously meant to make you, dear reader, really wet.

BUT AL likes Sally because she has never taken advantage of him. Words like "hesitant" and "innocent" describe the way he seduces her. The poor guy is just a victim of having a huge cock and getting paid for sex. Conclusion: Let him fuck the shit out of you.

Seriously I'm not judging, I just thought it was interesting. I would fuck him too.

Ratings:

But Also Seriously, These Fantasies Really Contradict Each Other: 5 out of 5. He needs to be promiscuous but innocent. Strong as fuck but totally submissive. Seductive but not rapey. Haha okay that last one sounds like a horrible thing for me to say. SO I WILL LEAVE IT AS IS. The fantasy here is really having a stud fall in love with you and by consumed by utter devotion. In other words, taming the giant phallus. Again, so far there is nothing wrong with it. But the directions in which she takes it, her motivations for being turned on by this, are pretty awful.

AL is a Victim of Being Too Sexy: 5 out of 5. What do I mean by this? Well, AL had another technician previously. A man, who took advantage of him. AL only has two states, according to the narration, the feeling of being in the presence of Sally and the feeling of lacking her presence. But also there is the feeling of being totally freaked out by gays. You should be noticing a trend by now. A trend of AL being a fuck master but being excused of all this. The key to one night stands is apparently to find a guy with tons of sexual experience, but none of which he actually enjoyed (until you, of course), otherwise it would be utterly un-Christian. Anything that is not hetero, monogamous, devoted love to Sally is not his fault. The fantasy, the author seems to be saying, doesn't work if we have to feel guilty about all the poop holes AL has had to poke. And this homophobia did nothing for the story other than that. It seemed wedged in there, completely unnecessarily. I wonder why...

It Was a One Time Mistake: 5 out of 5. The last line of this story is fucking mind-blowing. 

"She comforted herself that it was her last day on the job and she would never, ever be tempted again."

EVER. Seriously, did she have to add the extra "ever" in there? I thought only guys got post-orgasm existential guilt, but apparently this author came so hard to her own story that she had to shove that last line in there. This is the plight of the cliche ladies' man. Yeah, you thought they didn't have a plight. But seriously you gotta feel for AL. All he wants is a long-term relationship but he just has to go on being a prostitute because the lady he loves feels guilty about all the pleasure he gave her. But as long as it was only giving into temptation as a one-time deal, everything is fine (from the "close your eyes and it didn't really happen" school of sex education).

Overall: 2 out of 5. Well, it was a story, but I didn't agree with the morality of it much. Sorry this post has been mostly psychology and few jokes, I couldn't help myself. Also, she totally cheated by having the narration switch randomly between their thoughts to construct her fantasy, and yes, further transfer away blame by not making it too personally connected to the female character. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that I will never, ever have to read this again.

If you would like to experience some post-orgasm melancholy, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Defilation

This week I read Dehydration by Grayson Queen.

(Link)

Description:

"The planet's water supply is contaminated. What is left is being guarded by the military. But what does it matter when that will be eventually consumed too?

This is a story of the last few days in a city without water and the accepted fate of one man who wasn't interesting or important enough to be on any ration lists."

Basic water trope story.

But first! Check out this guy's profile.

That picture is pretty amusing. That is the face of a man who just sharted. I actually almost thought I could like this guy, until I saw his other picture:

Uhhh what the hell? Is the dead eyes thing a theme of his or does he just naturally have dead eyes? And did that guy seriously photoshop a mask on himself, smirking with anticipation the whole time he took the picture? Or is it one of those Japanese photobooths where you paste random crap all over your pictures? Do they have those in the U.S.? Seriously check it out:

Best. date. EVER.

Also, it's worth reading this guy's author bio just for laughs:
"Grayson Queen is a full-time novelist and painter located out of Orange County, California. His artistic passions range from deeply philosophical to unusual science fiction and fantasy.

In his free time, Grayson dabbles with music, sculpture, and various explorations of geek culture. He is happily married to a dinosaur, and is happily owned by two amazing cats."

Wait, full-time novelist? Then why is this story filled with typos? And painter? Please tell me he did the brilliant cover for this story. And this story wasn't really unusual science fiction or fantasy, so it must have been deeply philosophical? So what was the deep philosophical question--what should you do if you run out of water? And the answer is kill yourself? Wait, he does that other stuff in his free time, but he just jacks around when he's on the clock too? Finally, "happily owned by two amazing cats." Either he is saying he lives with his parents (probable) or he is one of "those" people. Look...I know some people REALLY like cats, but cats seriously aren't people. And fine, it's a common joke to say your cats own you... for a middle-aged lady, not some dead eyed dude in an Atticus Finch suit.

Oh yeah, this guy wrote a story. So, all of the water gets contaminated and the military declares martial law and confiscates all the bottled water to ration, so the dude goes thirsty. He mentions that the animals have it in their blood from the ground water so you can't drink their blood (countering the very first thought I had) and that alcohol dehydrates you (tell that to ALL of our European ancestors who made it across the ocean) so there is basically no choice left. Except suicide. Which is the option he goes with.

The end?

Yes.

Ratings:

Choose a Tense Bro: 5 out of 5. I'll just let you read the first two sentences of the story:

"I watched a homeless man spray window cleaner into his mouth.

I check my lips with my tongue, and they're still dry and cracked."

See how jarring that is? Turns out it is just an experimental style; he has past events of desperation alternated with the present. I get that, but when you do it, it has to have a purpose. There has to be a why to the experiment. This isn't like that time you decided for no reason to upload (for all the world to see) the picture where you photoshopped a superhero mask to try to hide your creepy soulless eyes. By the middle of the story, he is just telling the past in both the present and past-tense, and by the end he just says he is going to kill himself, which could have been done in any tense since he doesn't even do it in the actual story. There is nothing really visceral about it, no reason. I'm saying I want to see him kill himself in the present tense.

Point to This Story: 0 out of 5. Look I get that apocalypse stories are all the rage now, but that's because they have hope that humanity can overcome and all that bullshit. I appreciate that this is a unique one too--a virus in the water that for some reason cannot be boiled out--and I like that it is humorous--water forces itself drooling out of your mouth, tear ducts, and sweat glands--but it is basically that one good idea immediately followed by "Fuck it, no hope. Gonna kill m'self." So much wasted potential here. If you don't believe me read Jam by Yahtzee Croshaw (better yet, get the audiobook).

Vest: 5 out of 5. The dude really does have a nice vest in that picture. I think I'ma buy me one.

Overall: 1 out of 5. Even with how pissed I am that this story idea was completely fucking wasted, I'm not giving it such a low score just out of anger. It really doesn't even qualify as a story. It ends so abruptly before any character development or conflict or any of that "tellin' a story" stuff. It's all exposition and no climax. It's like if I did a review and wasted most of it talking about the author before suddenly ending it.








If you want the climax (you know what I'm talkin' about) shoot me your a/s/l at amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

The Sham

This week I read The Plan by Nikos Kalpakis.

(Link)

Description:

"Leo is being groomed for a life of crime and violence by his vicious stepfather. He can see his whole life flash before his eyes and he doesn't like what he sees. He comes up with a Plan. A very dangerous Plan that will bring everyone around him, on the brink of destruction."

Why is Plan capitalized? Is it like The Final Solution? And shouldn't it be to the brink of destruction?

That really sums up the whole story there, but I'll tell you the plot anyway. So this Greek kid is handed a gun by a junkie at the beginning of the story who wants to get rid of the evidence by stupidly having the kid's fingerprints on it or something.

But nothing ever comes of that. The kid, Leo, goes home and his fat dad, Mario, is eating pasta. Yeah, that's not cliche or anything. But at least it allowed me to imagine a world where Mario--you know, the Mario--goes on to become a wife-beating human trafficker and Princess Peach is his battered heroine junkie wife. Because seriously, how else are you gonna make money if your idea of plumbing is beating the shit out of turtles all day?

Anyway, Mario tells Leo to be at the brothel that night to help with the deal with "the" Russians. So far, so lazy. BUT Mario says that he has a big surprise for Leo, and Leo suspects he might know about "the Plan." Oooooh tension.

But Leo figures he is just going to force him to help gang rape the new sex slaves. I'm not joking, I wouldn't make such a crass rape joke. I'm so pissed off I had to clarify that to you, what kind of classless maniac do you think I am?

Seriously though Mario raping someone? That's just silly.

Between the conversation with Mario and the meeting, Leo goes to practice THE Plan, which involves throwing beer bottles and knives at a building. (Just, like, spoilers--he doesn't use any knives in the actual PLAN).

So the deal goes down, and basically Leo knocks a gangster out, steals the drugs (wait, I thought they were sex traffickers?), jumps out the window, locks everyone in the building, then sets everything on fire and steals the money from the Russians he kills outside.

His junkie mother is also tied up in his trunk and he takes her to rehab, then he asks himself what a young man does when he has just robbed the Russian mob.


He goes to college, of course!

Seriously that is his answer. What the fuck? I would totally not go to college. Like, why? You're going to spend all your money on college? But you already have money?? Obviously you invest it in a safe mutual fund.

Ratings:

Edit This Shit, How Many Times Do I Have to Say It!?: 5 out of 5. This wasn't a completely fucking awful story for a beginner, but seriously, there is a grammar mistake IN YOUR FUCKING DESCRIPTION. Nobody is going to read this, or anything else you write now. They probably won't even read anything I write because I reviewed this shit. I know I gripe about grammar, like a fucking lot. I am like the Rush Limbaugh of complaining about grammar, but there's a reason, and that reason is I'm trying to fucking help everyone get past literally THE EASIEST THING TO FIX TO MAKE US ALL LOOK MORE PROFESSIONAL. Jesus.

Opportunities Wasted: 5 out of 5. Remember when Leo suspected that Mario knew about the pLAn and the me reading was all like, "Oh shit I just filled my pants with ice cubes. Which would have been totally nice but then I shit on them out of fear of creepy Mario"? And then remember when nothing ever came of that? Well, SOMETHING SHOULD COME OF IT! Instead this kid just pulled off his plan perfectly without any hitches or conflict. Not only that, he took his mom to rehab AND went to college! What is this whitebread shit?

No. I'm not letting you off the hook. Remember where that deal went down? That's right, it was at a brothel filled with innocent sex slaves. And Leo burned that shit to the ground after he trapped them all inside. Go to college with that on your conscience. I hope you major in philosophy, bastard.

Unnecessary Descriptions: 5 out of 5. The description of his mom cooking and looking older than her years from being battered, followed by the creepy description of Mario were good. I thought I had finally landed a good story here. But then this guy started describing literally everything. Sometimes more description drags out the tension, so he's got the right idea, but if you describe something, it should have a purpose--ESPECIALLY in a story emphasizing the critical small details in a "THE PLAN." But his descriptions were seriously like, "Leo stepped into the office, the short but smooth fabric of the carpet brushing against his black shoes, each double knotted. There was a filing cabinet, a desk, a door, a window, and a trash can. On the desk there was an unopened letter, an accounting book, an advertisement for a pizza place, a clock, a telephone, and a dildo. The dildo was about nine inches, blue at the hilt with transparent blue rubber on the head through which could be seen a ring of ball bearings that presumably spun around when the little remote was turned on. It was cordless, which was impressive, but the blue remote matched the dildo so Leo knew they were a set. It had a faint trail of smoke still hovering over it like someone had just overused it. Almost like a smoking gun. Then he walked out of the office. And never went back. And nobody ever used or mentioned the dildo around Leo, nor did he mention it to them or think about it."

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. I feel like this author wouldn't be so bad if he went over his story more than once and let some other people read it so they could say, "Hey, you have a great potential conflict you just completely pass up here. I mean, like, how the fuck did you miss that? Good thing you had anyone with eyes read it, meaning me." Unfortunately, he didn't do that. Damn kids.

If you want to find out what happens with the smoking dildo, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

MAKE CLEVELAND STEAMER FAST

Oh my god, I so wanted to review this:

It's an amish romance. Seriously, what? That's amazing! But it's like 45 pages, and I think the novelty will wear off after like one page. Still, I'm really curious. I also wanted to do one from the "Cowboy Cassanova" series, which was listed right after this. Haha that just seems like an oxymoron to me.

But, I decided to go with MAKE ******* FAST by Delta. I don't think that's his real name for some reason. What the hell, Amazon, why are you flooding me with erotica suggestions this week? Anyway, I chose it because I assume the title means "MAKE FUCK FAST" which made me giggle. 

(Link)

Description:

"A very short story -- 2400 words/8pages -- about what could go wrong when implementing what seemed a brilliant idea at the time. This work is a parody(?) of the old 'MAKE MONEY FAST' pyramid schemes that abounded during the early days of the USENET newsgroups.

This book contains graphic scenes of sex and is intended for an ADULT audience only. All characters are 19 years of age or older."

Alright so basically this guy and this girl write an ad which is a spoof of a pyramid scheme where you have sex with all the people on the list of the opposite sex, then cross off the top name on the list and add your own name to the bottom. Wait...that's not how a pyramid scheme works? Wouldn't a pyramid scheme of sex just be like a bunch of people on the bottom passing up small amounts of sex to one person at the top? Like....bees? Not like sex with bees, but like the way that...nah just forget it... Or just an orgy in a pyramid-shaped pile or something?

Anyway, the original two people that started the scheme end up having waaay too much sex, and some lady starts reviewing the quality of their sex, which leads the guy to get a great rating to his dismay because it will mean entirely too much more sex. Then there is a (literally) painful sex scene and the story ends.

Sex.

Ratings:

Wildly Over the Toppedly Usedly Adverbs...ly: 5 out of 5. This guy fucking loves jamming adverbs anywhere. Seriously, he makes shit into adverbs that I did not know could possibly be adverbs. Normally at this point I would make up a mock sentence to make fun of it, but I'll just dig up a few examples:

First there are the rapid-fire examples, like "They both needed it, she figured correctly. Walking, she thought tiredly..." Seriously, there is another less shitty way to avoid both of those, or just use one, cause you just fucking used one and it's enough!

Then there are the completely unnecessary words that I don't think this author even understands, like, "Impassively, Gerry watched Ellen undress." Of course he did it impassively, that's what watched fucking MEANS, especially when you're doing it on a woman. Like here's a quick demonstration. If you see a kid masturbate, it's totally passive and probably a mistake. But if you watch a kid masturbate, you're going to prison. Get the difference? 

Then there is the one that fucking takes the cake: "docilely" He actually fucking used the word docilely. What the fuck? That is only a word by loophole! How the fuck can that even come into your mind!?

Number of Edits Made Since the 1990s: 0 out of 5. This guy proudly pronounces that he wrote this shitty "erotica" back in the 90's, hence the USENET reference, which is SO FUCKING RELEVANT TO OUR TIMES SHUT UP. But the thing is he didn't fucking edit it since then. At all. There are still tons of sentences which he changed halfway through writing them so they make no goddamn sense. "Gerry looked at her and it came to his 'I would like to buy a 56k modem' he thought amazedly." And while we're on the subject, who the fuck writes an afterword for a short story? Just tell the story in the story? If you have to explain it, it isn't very good?

Number of Fucks Made Fast/Number of boners: 1 out of 5. There was some sex, but it was really brief and the lady was in pain and all dismayed at getting herself into a fuck club. Basically, it is the least horny I have ever been ever. Even worse than the zombie erotica. And I understand that it's supposed to be satire of shit that happened like two decades ago, but then why have an explicit sex scene? Why go in all half-cocked (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) and then change your mind and pull out (I DID IT AGAIN) early? Also, the characters names are Gerry and Ellen. Okay, obviously Gerry is a fucking horribly feeble attempt at making a fictional name, but first of all this isn't fucking fantasy so just use a normally name. How about the fucking name you wanted to use--Jerry? What the fuck is Gerry? You mean Gary? So I decided it was supposed to be Jerry, but then I was like, "But wait the lady's name is normal." But no, look at it, it's supposed to be Elaine. This guy fucking thought of an erotica satire, and it was the 90's, so in his head it was Seinfeld. Think about that. That feeling is called what-the-fuck-funny, my friend. Or maybe pity-funny. Sad-funny?

Overall: 1 out of 5. This story was just pretty shitty. Honestly, though, I can't shake the feeling that it would make a great episode of Seinfeld.




If you would like to read my Seinfeld fanfiction, go to: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.



And yes, of course it is all erotica.