Laxian Duty

This week I read Dog Aliens: Kaxian Duty by Cherise Kelley. When I saw the cover, I couldn't resist.

(Link)

Description:

"Our dogs lead secret lives while we're at work. At three months old, Clem faces his first day of Kaxian duty with anxiety. What will his assignment be? His tail has a mind of its own, which doesn't help matters any. This is a short story 10 paperback pages long."

If you think this looks like the text version of a lame children's movie where the dogs' mouths are animated and the only enjoyment is fart jokes, you are right. Except there are no fart jokes, and I thought I would never say this, but that means there is no reason to read this.

Yes, it is for kids, but in her introduction she says she included a sample chapter of the novel series (yes, there is a series of novels about dog aliens, and the world would be a dark place without it) so that adults could see that they can enjoy it too. Well, to be fair, I didn't read the sample chapter so I can't pass judgement, but I'm just going to assume it sucks and I wouldn't enjoy it.

So anyway, Clem's dad gives him advice for his first day on Kaxian duty (the story never really explains what the fuck that entails, just aliens something something) and he is on his way. But on the road he has several wacky encounters with cats and rival alien chihuahuas! ROFL! All of which end in Clem remembering his dad told him to ignore that shit and get to work.

Finally he arrives there, he meets some friends, and the bosses inform him he will be a miner. When he and his friends show their disappointment (through their ADORABLE tails! PUPPIEEEES YAAAAY!) one of the bosses tells them they were too busy dicking around (ADORABLY! PUUUUUPPPIIIIIIEEEEEESSSSSS) which made them late so they have to be miners instead of receiving the coveted defender position.

At the end of the day Clem tells his friends goodbye and is sad to see them go, reflecting that all in all the first day of Kaxian duty was pretty sweet. Wait, what? But nothing really happened? What was so sweet about it?

Ratings:

Adorable Tail Wags: 5 out of 5. The most used phrase of this story was "my tail went under my belly and started wagging nervously." Seriously I think it was in there at least 82 times. That was actually most of the text in the story. But can there really be too much adorable puppy tail wagging? Yes. Yes there can.

Consistent Voice: 0 out of 5. This puppy talks a lot about how he hates being a stupid puppy that can't control his body and doesn't know anything, but then turns around and starts using ten-dollar words. Example:

"Third on my list of things to hate about being a puppy is the short attention span. Clarity of purpose is not my strong point, but we'll get to that in a minute."

See how it's not really consistent that he uses phrases like "clarity of purpose" when- Oh my god his tail went under his belly! So CUTE!

Conflict: 1 out of 5. Okay, there was conflict in a way, like there was an asshole cat and stuff but there wasn't really a sense of urgency impressed on the reader to let us know why chasing a cat will get him in trouble. It was mentioned, but the distractions read more like, "OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE PUPPY!" Then at the end Clem is just sort of screwed into being a child miner. That's pretty fucking bleak for a children's story, and then it just basically ends there.

"Well, you were late twice. Report for sex-slave duty. No excuses."

Overall: 2 out of 5. I rated it higher just because it's for children, but I think I might be insulting children. Children's books aren't just written by lazy assholes that can't write a real story, you know? Kids are actually smart and curious and it takes more than fucking puppies to keep their attention--well, I mean writing about puppies, because a real live one is fucking awesome fun for the whole family. And just so you don't think I'm a cynical asshole let me tell you that I loved the shit out of Hank The Cowdog when I was younger. What set it apart was real conflict, clever humor, and making a dog think he's important when at the end of the day he is just a dog. It takes talent, even to write for those so-called idiots we call children, you patronizing asshole.

If you want to read my Hank The Cowdog fanfiction erotica, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Arbitrary Lover

Today I read Artificial Lover by Erica Conroy. TELL me you're not intrigued!

(Link)

Description:

"AL is an artificial lover. His sole purpose is to bring pleasure to women. Like other sex-bots, he is designed with the end user in mind. Precise and accurate sensors make him sensitive to a woman's state of arousal, which allows his processors to program and adapt the perfect routine to ensure complete customer satisfaction. Unlike other sex-bots, AL has fallen in love. "

Woman's fantasy here. That's alright, I'll get in the mindset and everything. Hold on....

Okay, I stuffed my shirt, that should do it, right? So as you might have guessed by the description telling you, this is a story about a sex robot. Just as an aside, if you replaced him with a female real doll and had the same story, people would think it's creepy. How do I know? There is a documentary about guys falling in love with real dolls, and all you closed-minded fucks think it's creepy. ...Okay it's a little creepy.

But anyway, AL is a sexbot, and also apparently a prostitute available to the public and has an appointment every half hour (Yeah right, YOU try to make a woman orgasm in just a half hour!). But he is checking his watch waiting for his technician, Sally, to come and "do maintenance" on him.

Seriously though she just does maintenance on him. But this time he decides to grab her boob. AND IT WORKS. Try to grab a woman's boob next time she is going about her job. Totally doesn't go the way you want it to.

Anyway, they have sex, and it actually reveals a lot about this author's idea of fantasy. First, AL is physically everything she wants in a man--tall, huge pecs, stubble, and giant dick. Big surprise there. He also has a reputation for being somewhat of a sex bot. Seriously she found it necessary to mention this. The interesting thing is there are a ton of subtle hints about AL fucking tons of women, which is obviously meant to make you, dear reader, really wet.

BUT AL likes Sally because she has never taken advantage of him. Words like "hesitant" and "innocent" describe the way he seduces her. The poor guy is just a victim of having a huge cock and getting paid for sex. Conclusion: Let him fuck the shit out of you.

Seriously I'm not judging, I just thought it was interesting. I would fuck him too.

Ratings:

But Also Seriously, These Fantasies Really Contradict Each Other: 5 out of 5. He needs to be promiscuous but innocent. Strong as fuck but totally submissive. Seductive but not rapey. Haha okay that last one sounds like a horrible thing for me to say. SO I WILL LEAVE IT AS IS. The fantasy here is really having a stud fall in love with you and by consumed by utter devotion. In other words, taming the giant phallus. Again, so far there is nothing wrong with it. But the directions in which she takes it, her motivations for being turned on by this, are pretty awful.

AL is a Victim of Being Too Sexy: 5 out of 5. What do I mean by this? Well, AL had another technician previously. A man, who took advantage of him. AL only has two states, according to the narration, the feeling of being in the presence of Sally and the feeling of lacking her presence. But also there is the feeling of being totally freaked out by gays. You should be noticing a trend by now. A trend of AL being a fuck master but being excused of all this. The key to one night stands is apparently to find a guy with tons of sexual experience, but none of which he actually enjoyed (until you, of course), otherwise it would be utterly un-Christian. Anything that is not hetero, monogamous, devoted love to Sally is not his fault. The fantasy, the author seems to be saying, doesn't work if we have to feel guilty about all the poop holes AL has had to poke. And this homophobia did nothing for the story other than that. It seemed wedged in there, completely unnecessarily. I wonder why...

It Was a One Time Mistake: 5 out of 5. The last line of this story is fucking mind-blowing. 

"She comforted herself that it was her last day on the job and she would never, ever be tempted again."

EVER. Seriously, did she have to add the extra "ever" in there? I thought only guys got post-orgasm existential guilt, but apparently this author came so hard to her own story that she had to shove that last line in there. This is the plight of the cliche ladies' man. Yeah, you thought they didn't have a plight. But seriously you gotta feel for AL. All he wants is a long-term relationship but he just has to go on being a prostitute because the lady he loves feels guilty about all the pleasure he gave her. But as long as it was only giving into temptation as a one-time deal, everything is fine (from the "close your eyes and it didn't really happen" school of sex education).

Overall: 2 out of 5. Well, it was a story, but I didn't agree with the morality of it much. Sorry this post has been mostly psychology and few jokes, I couldn't help myself. Also, she totally cheated by having the narration switch randomly between their thoughts to construct her fantasy, and yes, further transfer away blame by not making it too personally connected to the female character. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that I will never, ever have to read this again.

If you would like to experience some post-orgasm melancholy, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Defilation

This week I read Dehydration by Grayson Queen.

(Link)

Description:

"The planet's water supply is contaminated. What is left is being guarded by the military. But what does it matter when that will be eventually consumed too?

This is a story of the last few days in a city without water and the accepted fate of one man who wasn't interesting or important enough to be on any ration lists."

Basic water trope story.

But first! Check out this guy's profile.

That picture is pretty amusing. That is the face of a man who just sharted. I actually almost thought I could like this guy, until I saw his other picture:

Uhhh what the hell? Is the dead eyes thing a theme of his or does he just naturally have dead eyes? And did that guy seriously photoshop a mask on himself, smirking with anticipation the whole time he took the picture? Or is it one of those Japanese photobooths where you paste random crap all over your pictures? Do they have those in the U.S.? Seriously check it out:

Best. date. EVER.

Also, it's worth reading this guy's author bio just for laughs:
"Grayson Queen is a full-time novelist and painter located out of Orange County, California. His artistic passions range from deeply philosophical to unusual science fiction and fantasy.

In his free time, Grayson dabbles with music, sculpture, and various explorations of geek culture. He is happily married to a dinosaur, and is happily owned by two amazing cats."

Wait, full-time novelist? Then why is this story filled with typos? And painter? Please tell me he did the brilliant cover for this story. And this story wasn't really unusual science fiction or fantasy, so it must have been deeply philosophical? So what was the deep philosophical question--what should you do if you run out of water? And the answer is kill yourself? Wait, he does that other stuff in his free time, but he just jacks around when he's on the clock too? Finally, "happily owned by two amazing cats." Either he is saying he lives with his parents (probable) or he is one of "those" people. Look...I know some people REALLY like cats, but cats seriously aren't people. And fine, it's a common joke to say your cats own you... for a middle-aged lady, not some dead eyed dude in an Atticus Finch suit.

Oh yeah, this guy wrote a story. So, all of the water gets contaminated and the military declares martial law and confiscates all the bottled water to ration, so the dude goes thirsty. He mentions that the animals have it in their blood from the ground water so you can't drink their blood (countering the very first thought I had) and that alcohol dehydrates you (tell that to ALL of our European ancestors who made it across the ocean) so there is basically no choice left. Except suicide. Which is the option he goes with.

The end?

Yes.

Ratings:

Choose a Tense Bro: 5 out of 5. I'll just let you read the first two sentences of the story:

"I watched a homeless man spray window cleaner into his mouth.

I check my lips with my tongue, and they're still dry and cracked."

See how jarring that is? Turns out it is just an experimental style; he has past events of desperation alternated with the present. I get that, but when you do it, it has to have a purpose. There has to be a why to the experiment. This isn't like that time you decided for no reason to upload (for all the world to see) the picture where you photoshopped a superhero mask to try to hide your creepy soulless eyes. By the middle of the story, he is just telling the past in both the present and past-tense, and by the end he just says he is going to kill himself, which could have been done in any tense since he doesn't even do it in the actual story. There is nothing really visceral about it, no reason. I'm saying I want to see him kill himself in the present tense.

Point to This Story: 0 out of 5. Look I get that apocalypse stories are all the rage now, but that's because they have hope that humanity can overcome and all that bullshit. I appreciate that this is a unique one too--a virus in the water that for some reason cannot be boiled out--and I like that it is humorous--water forces itself drooling out of your mouth, tear ducts, and sweat glands--but it is basically that one good idea immediately followed by "Fuck it, no hope. Gonna kill m'self." So much wasted potential here. If you don't believe me read Jam by Yahtzee Croshaw (better yet, get the audiobook).

Vest: 5 out of 5. The dude really does have a nice vest in that picture. I think I'ma buy me one.

Overall: 1 out of 5. Even with how pissed I am that this story idea was completely fucking wasted, I'm not giving it such a low score just out of anger. It really doesn't even qualify as a story. It ends so abruptly before any character development or conflict or any of that "tellin' a story" stuff. It's all exposition and no climax. It's like if I did a review and wasted most of it talking about the author before suddenly ending it.








If you want the climax (you know what I'm talkin' about) shoot me your a/s/l at amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

The Sham

This week I read The Plan by Nikos Kalpakis.

(Link)

Description:

"Leo is being groomed for a life of crime and violence by his vicious stepfather. He can see his whole life flash before his eyes and he doesn't like what he sees. He comes up with a Plan. A very dangerous Plan that will bring everyone around him, on the brink of destruction."

Why is Plan capitalized? Is it like The Final Solution? And shouldn't it be to the brink of destruction?

That really sums up the whole story there, but I'll tell you the plot anyway. So this Greek kid is handed a gun by a junkie at the beginning of the story who wants to get rid of the evidence by stupidly having the kid's fingerprints on it or something.

But nothing ever comes of that. The kid, Leo, goes home and his fat dad, Mario, is eating pasta. Yeah, that's not cliche or anything. But at least it allowed me to imagine a world where Mario--you know, the Mario--goes on to become a wife-beating human trafficker and Princess Peach is his battered heroine junkie wife. Because seriously, how else are you gonna make money if your idea of plumbing is beating the shit out of turtles all day?

Anyway, Mario tells Leo to be at the brothel that night to help with the deal with "the" Russians. So far, so lazy. BUT Mario says that he has a big surprise for Leo, and Leo suspects he might know about "the Plan." Oooooh tension.

But Leo figures he is just going to force him to help gang rape the new sex slaves. I'm not joking, I wouldn't make such a crass rape joke. I'm so pissed off I had to clarify that to you, what kind of classless maniac do you think I am?

Seriously though Mario raping someone? That's just silly.

Between the conversation with Mario and the meeting, Leo goes to practice THE Plan, which involves throwing beer bottles and knives at a building. (Just, like, spoilers--he doesn't use any knives in the actual PLAN).

So the deal goes down, and basically Leo knocks a gangster out, steals the drugs (wait, I thought they were sex traffickers?), jumps out the window, locks everyone in the building, then sets everything on fire and steals the money from the Russians he kills outside.

His junkie mother is also tied up in his trunk and he takes her to rehab, then he asks himself what a young man does when he has just robbed the Russian mob.


He goes to college, of course!

Seriously that is his answer. What the fuck? I would totally not go to college. Like, why? You're going to spend all your money on college? But you already have money?? Obviously you invest it in a safe mutual fund.

Ratings:

Edit This Shit, How Many Times Do I Have to Say It!?: 5 out of 5. This wasn't a completely fucking awful story for a beginner, but seriously, there is a grammar mistake IN YOUR FUCKING DESCRIPTION. Nobody is going to read this, or anything else you write now. They probably won't even read anything I write because I reviewed this shit. I know I gripe about grammar, like a fucking lot. I am like the Rush Limbaugh of complaining about grammar, but there's a reason, and that reason is I'm trying to fucking help everyone get past literally THE EASIEST THING TO FIX TO MAKE US ALL LOOK MORE PROFESSIONAL. Jesus.

Opportunities Wasted: 5 out of 5. Remember when Leo suspected that Mario knew about the pLAn and the me reading was all like, "Oh shit I just filled my pants with ice cubes. Which would have been totally nice but then I shit on them out of fear of creepy Mario"? And then remember when nothing ever came of that? Well, SOMETHING SHOULD COME OF IT! Instead this kid just pulled off his plan perfectly without any hitches or conflict. Not only that, he took his mom to rehab AND went to college! What is this whitebread shit?

No. I'm not letting you off the hook. Remember where that deal went down? That's right, it was at a brothel filled with innocent sex slaves. And Leo burned that shit to the ground after he trapped them all inside. Go to college with that on your conscience. I hope you major in philosophy, bastard.

Unnecessary Descriptions: 5 out of 5. The description of his mom cooking and looking older than her years from being battered, followed by the creepy description of Mario were good. I thought I had finally landed a good story here. But then this guy started describing literally everything. Sometimes more description drags out the tension, so he's got the right idea, but if you describe something, it should have a purpose--ESPECIALLY in a story emphasizing the critical small details in a "THE PLAN." But his descriptions were seriously like, "Leo stepped into the office, the short but smooth fabric of the carpet brushing against his black shoes, each double knotted. There was a filing cabinet, a desk, a door, a window, and a trash can. On the desk there was an unopened letter, an accounting book, an advertisement for a pizza place, a clock, a telephone, and a dildo. The dildo was about nine inches, blue at the hilt with transparent blue rubber on the head through which could be seen a ring of ball bearings that presumably spun around when the little remote was turned on. It was cordless, which was impressive, but the blue remote matched the dildo so Leo knew they were a set. It had a faint trail of smoke still hovering over it like someone had just overused it. Almost like a smoking gun. Then he walked out of the office. And never went back. And nobody ever used or mentioned the dildo around Leo, nor did he mention it to them or think about it."

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. I feel like this author wouldn't be so bad if he went over his story more than once and let some other people read it so they could say, "Hey, you have a great potential conflict you just completely pass up here. I mean, like, how the fuck did you miss that? Good thing you had anyone with eyes read it, meaning me." Unfortunately, he didn't do that. Damn kids.

If you want to find out what happens with the smoking dildo, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

MAKE CLEVELAND STEAMER FAST

Oh my god, I so wanted to review this:

It's an amish romance. Seriously, what? That's amazing! But it's like 45 pages, and I think the novelty will wear off after like one page. Still, I'm really curious. I also wanted to do one from the "Cowboy Cassanova" series, which was listed right after this. Haha that just seems like an oxymoron to me.

But, I decided to go with MAKE ******* FAST by Delta. I don't think that's his real name for some reason. What the hell, Amazon, why are you flooding me with erotica suggestions this week? Anyway, I chose it because I assume the title means "MAKE FUCK FAST" which made me giggle. 

(Link)

Description:

"A very short story -- 2400 words/8pages -- about what could go wrong when implementing what seemed a brilliant idea at the time. This work is a parody(?) of the old 'MAKE MONEY FAST' pyramid schemes that abounded during the early days of the USENET newsgroups.

This book contains graphic scenes of sex and is intended for an ADULT audience only. All characters are 19 years of age or older."

Alright so basically this guy and this girl write an ad which is a spoof of a pyramid scheme where you have sex with all the people on the list of the opposite sex, then cross off the top name on the list and add your own name to the bottom. Wait...that's not how a pyramid scheme works? Wouldn't a pyramid scheme of sex just be like a bunch of people on the bottom passing up small amounts of sex to one person at the top? Like....bees? Not like sex with bees, but like the way that...nah just forget it... Or just an orgy in a pyramid-shaped pile or something?

Anyway, the original two people that started the scheme end up having waaay too much sex, and some lady starts reviewing the quality of their sex, which leads the guy to get a great rating to his dismay because it will mean entirely too much more sex. Then there is a (literally) painful sex scene and the story ends.

Sex.

Ratings:

Wildly Over the Toppedly Usedly Adverbs...ly: 5 out of 5. This guy fucking loves jamming adverbs anywhere. Seriously, he makes shit into adverbs that I did not know could possibly be adverbs. Normally at this point I would make up a mock sentence to make fun of it, but I'll just dig up a few examples:

First there are the rapid-fire examples, like "They both needed it, she figured correctly. Walking, she thought tiredly..." Seriously, there is another less shitty way to avoid both of those, or just use one, cause you just fucking used one and it's enough!

Then there are the completely unnecessary words that I don't think this author even understands, like, "Impassively, Gerry watched Ellen undress." Of course he did it impassively, that's what watched fucking MEANS, especially when you're doing it on a woman. Like here's a quick demonstration. If you see a kid masturbate, it's totally passive and probably a mistake. But if you watch a kid masturbate, you're going to prison. Get the difference? 

Then there is the one that fucking takes the cake: "docilely" He actually fucking used the word docilely. What the fuck? That is only a word by loophole! How the fuck can that even come into your mind!?

Number of Edits Made Since the 1990s: 0 out of 5. This guy proudly pronounces that he wrote this shitty "erotica" back in the 90's, hence the USENET reference, which is SO FUCKING RELEVANT TO OUR TIMES SHUT UP. But the thing is he didn't fucking edit it since then. At all. There are still tons of sentences which he changed halfway through writing them so they make no goddamn sense. "Gerry looked at her and it came to his 'I would like to buy a 56k modem' he thought amazedly." And while we're on the subject, who the fuck writes an afterword for a short story? Just tell the story in the story? If you have to explain it, it isn't very good?

Number of Fucks Made Fast/Number of boners: 1 out of 5. There was some sex, but it was really brief and the lady was in pain and all dismayed at getting herself into a fuck club. Basically, it is the least horny I have ever been ever. Even worse than the zombie erotica. And I understand that it's supposed to be satire of shit that happened like two decades ago, but then why have an explicit sex scene? Why go in all half-cocked (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) and then change your mind and pull out (I DID IT AGAIN) early? Also, the characters names are Gerry and Ellen. Okay, obviously Gerry is a fucking horribly feeble attempt at making a fictional name, but first of all this isn't fucking fantasy so just use a normally name. How about the fucking name you wanted to use--Jerry? What the fuck is Gerry? You mean Gary? So I decided it was supposed to be Jerry, but then I was like, "But wait the lady's name is normal." But no, look at it, it's supposed to be Elaine. This guy fucking thought of an erotica satire, and it was the 90's, so in his head it was Seinfeld. Think about that. That feeling is called what-the-fuck-funny, my friend. Or maybe pity-funny. Sad-funny?

Overall: 1 out of 5. This story was just pretty shitty. Honestly, though, I can't shake the feeling that it would make a great episode of Seinfeld.




If you would like to read my Seinfeld fanfiction, go to: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.



And yes, of course it is all erotica.

Interspecieserotophina

This week I read Serephina by Angie Merriam.

(Link)

Description:

"This is a Short Neveah story...less than 3,000 words... 

Serephina was born a princess with the weight of her people on her shoulders. She was expected to follow tradition but she wanted something more. Something different. Find out what united her with the Levannah family and learn who her first love was. Experience the magic of Neveah with this short story."

Less than 3,000 words? I'm in. I don't know what this Neveah trilogy is, but from the name it sounds unnecessarily and overthetoppedly fantasy. There's nothing wrong with fantasy, except when there is absolutely no fucking reason for it. I don't know, maybe there is some device in her trilogy that works with the genre but there were literally zero reasons for this short story to be about an elf and for everyone's name to have a thousand fucking H's in it (...Haches? How the fuck do I say that...? Whatever, figure it out yourself). Seriously, her mother's name is fucking Avalon. What? No, you're not even trying.

Anyways, this story is about an elf girl who is peaceful and apparently elves are born fighters (DUH!) and also she probably didn't want to make her a dwarf or something because it's not sexy (so make her a fucking human, dick).

Oh, but oh yeah, so she randomly meets the human king and queen who are magically waiting for her and want her to be their nanny (FATE!) and she falls in love with the...the guy that guards the door or something. Bellhop. Yeah. So THAT'S why she needs to be an elf because if she wasn't then her fucking a human wouldn't be forbidden.

And this is totally the softest of softcore porn because she wants to tell him she loves him (I'm not really skipping anything, there is no character development this is probably a longer explanation than them falling in love) but she stands there contemplating how she is only three feet tall so he won't like her and she wishes her hair was blonde instead of purple and she didn't have such big eyes and huge, full red lips.

Yeah, like I'm not imagining fucking the shit out her right now. Yeah, go ahead, pass it off as clean, but we all know everyone reading your story, man or woman, is thinking about railing the tits off that little elf right now.

Oh and he's all like, "I totally love you too."

THE END

She literally ended the story with a huge ass "The End" like that.

Ratings:

Word Repetition: 5 out of 5. This lady has trouble expressing herself with more than three words rubbed together over and over for each paragraph. It reads like, "His hair was long hair and his hair hung down and covered his blue eyes and she looked at his curly hair covering his blue eyes and thought to herself how much she liked his blue eyes peeking out through his long hair." JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY.

Cause then there will be a reason for you to repeat words over and over? Amirite?

Surprisingly Well Edited: 5 out of 5. The shit was tight. Not much more to say, it was just pretty damn well polished. Actually I caught one mista- NO! I'm not going to be that guy, it was good.

Seriously Like I Know I Already Said This But Why The Fuck Was This Fantasy? 4 out of 5. A 4 because I know I already said it was because of the inter-species taboo thing which we are all pretending we are not turned on by. But, couldn't she just make her some other taboo, like-- Heh, no matter what I say here it's fucked up. Race? No. Disability? No. Family? Okay let's just stop listing things because now instead of saying one fucked up thing I've said three.

Actually, in all seriously, when she saw the queen up on the hill and described her all gorgeous and pregnant and said she was drawn to her I thought it was suddenly going to be a lesbian story. Which honestly would have been better (I mean other than the part where I was like, "ALRIGHT let's do this!") but then there would be like less than zero reasons for it to be fantasy.

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. It wasn't a horribly written story, just pretty bland. And for having inter-species taboo, that's really saying something.



If you want to read about truly titillating taboos, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.




Titillating

Martian Invaders Meet Alliteration

Actually, it would have been better if they just named it Martians Meet Mom, but hey, throw an "I" wrench into the works, what do I know. This week I read Martian Invaders Meet Mom by Rebecca and Alan Lickiss. Aww, writing couple! Seriously though, that title doesn't flow as well as mine.

(Link)

Description:

"The invading Martian armies were ready. Their leaders thought they would win without trying. That is until their advance robotic scouts met Mom."

This story is interesting, because it's like an Asimov short story with its theme where aliens meet humans and ironic things happen, but it's young adult level reading. Actually it's more like a story by moms for moms. The Jiff of short stories, if you will.

So the Martians design some tall male robots, because of the way humans favor those attributes, and send them to Earf. But when the robots get there, the reader quickly realizes the Martians designed them--get this--based on CHILDREN! HAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa.........!

I actually won't spoil this one because it's not a terrible short story, but let's just say Mom takes care of business with her no-nonsense housewifery! Oh no you didn't try to mess with MOM! Take that, Martians!

Of course, the boys are more of a handful than the aliens!

GUFFAW!

Ratings:

Whitebreadery: 5 out of 5. This story is sooooo white and suburban. She lines up the kids' backpacks in the morning, making sure their homework is neatly placed inside, after school she makes snacks for them and does laundry as she watches them to make sure they are okay, etc. Everything is in order and there is not a hint of poverty or trouble as the kids play outside and walk themselves to school. The most of this housewife's worries are her kids making fart jokes, and when she is pushed to the limit by the robot kids taking apart electronics, her "wrath" is manifest like, "I told you to please not do that." Woah, calm down lady! You might damage those kids with your overbearing middle-class liberal mothering! And of course the Martians can't handle this level of stern politeness, which actually makes the story really entertaining.

Errors Ruining My Time: 3 out of 5. The formatting was off and there were some punctuation errors. It's not a huge deal, but this story was published in a magazine before it went to Amazon. You would think it would be edited. Wtf, man?

Predictable Ending: 0 out of 5. Yeah actually you know the end of the story by the freaking title and description, right? Except somehow the mechanics of it slipped by me, and I think logistically it really worked out. Looking back, it's all set up and I had a suspicion, but it all blended well enough that it didn't matter. Don't know what the fuck I'm talking about? Yeah, I'm still trying not to spoil the ending, because... Well this is the first and last time I will ever say this, but this story is short and well packed enough that, although it is kind of lame, childish, naive (what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah, WHITE) I still recommend you read it. There. That probably scares the shit out of you, right? It's just a fun little story, and I liked it.

Overall: 3 out of 5. I recommend you read it because it is basically a well-written story and I was entertained the whole time. However, it's nothing amazing. I like scifi, and I like irony, but it is certainly not the most ironic or surprising. Plus, it's just too fucking innocent. It really fucks up my funny when stories are good AND clean as a virgin's...resume, so I have to fucking add in a million fucks in an attempt to substitute fucks for humor, fuck. Or I could torture a simile for some laughs, like that time I accidentally went into the girl's locker room and instead of turning around and walking out I bolted for the janitor's closet and they obviously saw me so when they opened the door I grabbed a nearby hammer and smashed it into my dick.

It worked. They couldn't stop laughing all three years of junior high.

If you are interested in other stories of genital mutilation, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall