Cat Story

Actually I've done a few reviews of cat stories, but this one is the best because it's obviously every girl's dream to have sex with her cat. Right? This week I review Dream Cat by Lisa A. Robinson.

(Link)

As you probably guessed by now, it's a steamy romance between a girl and her furry little friend. Ah fine, I won't lie it's not erotica, but it might as well be. In the words of Stephen King, it's along the same lines as the Twilight "tweenager porn" series. Here's a description:
"Leo is a cat shape- shifter who has fallen in love with the girl he is charged to protect. Sarah is just an ordinary girl who often has horrific nightmares… or so she thinks. But as the winter solstice approaches and a certain demon demands the body of a young woman, what will happen?"

Since you are probably already laughing your ass off, my job is done. Let's all get back to watching Dexter.

Okay, fine, I'll put a little more work in, just for you. Actually I don't have any idea who is reading this blog because nobody ever comments, but someone is reading it (probably a bunch of NSA agents) so I'll just keep writing I guess?

I was kind of disappointed by the first paragraph of this story--"Everything except the blood multiple red suns that lights up the sky; they looks so hot, so why is it so cold?" Why indeed. And also what the fuck did you just say?

But later the story gets less terribly-hard-to-read and when I started thinking about it, it could actually rival Twilight. From what I read of that book, I wouldn't put it past her to have an even more mangled sentence than what we just read. Plus, this has all the elements. The boy has supernatural powers but isn't like a creepy gross zombie or something. He takes the form of a much more fuckable cat. He also watches the girl when she sleeps, in a totally also not creepy gross way.

There is a lot of bullshit about her going to high school and being a bookish nerd that nobody likes but she turns that into her preferring to be alone because everyone else is sooo inane and shit, but I'm gonna skip that because it's pointless and go to the end.

So she wakes up to find a guy in her room and then lets him talk her into letting him sleep over the next night to fight the demon in her dreams. Then she like concentrates real hard and something not very exciting happens and wham, bam, she has one less demon and one more boyfriend. And they all lived happily ever- oh yeah and she gets pregnant. Shiiiit.

Ratings:

Just-Just Shhh... Relax and Let it Happen: 5 out of 5. So like two or three times during the story the cat guy reflects on how awkward it would be if the girl woke up to find him in her room. How it would be weird to try to explain to the police that he is fighting demons in her dreams as a cat. Well, in this case, I think the author could have gone with her instincts there--or rather the voice fucking shouting, "THIS IS CREEPY!" Because it was. I don't know what the fuck it is with girls wanting to be looked at while they sleep, but it is probably just as creepy as looking at someone while they sleep. I am being too judgemental. Everyone can have any sort of sexual fantasies they like, it just seems like this one comes from the urge to be exhibitionist suppressed by a huge helping of protestant shame resulting in, "If I can't see it, the sin is not happening." Before you know it, you're blindfolded in an Arkansas rest stop playing "Is it a vegetable?" And, I should know, that's how gonorrhea happens.

POV Switches: 3 out of 5. Seriously, I thought she did a good job with this. She just quickly wrote the name in italics like Bobo the Cat and then went with that character's POV and then switched back to the other. The effect was to give us just enough creepy cat guy POV to the point where we wanted out quick and then switch to creepy nerd girl POV making for a more interesting and much shorter story.

There's no joke here, I sincerely liked that part.

Denial: 5 out of 5. This is a tricky topic to bring up, but this girl forced it on me. She constantly paints her friends in a light that makes them look like dumbass clowns that she only hangs out with for her own amusement. In the meantime she has a fairy obsession and was completely friendless before them. Now, I'm not going for the cheap "HAHA NERD!" laugh here, and she can read as many fairy books as she wants, but if she is in denial enough to think she is actually better than people who like to socialize and speak in vernacular instead of saying, "Pardon me, sir" (literally an attribute she tries to talk up as cool and original in her story) then she deserves a wakeup call. Here it is: If you want a boyfriend you have to stop thinking one will just come along and think you are cool and original for being a pretty average nerd and an arrogant prick to everyone around you. You have to admit to yourself what you really are--Catfucker!

And then join a group for like furries.

Overall: 2 out of 5. I'm probably being a little harsh there because this just isn't my style of story since I'm not an awkward adolescent. But then again, no! Enough is enough with the fucking "let's wait for a boy to come along that's good enough to watch me while I sleep because everyone would call me a whore if I went out to find someone I really like" stories. I've had it with society's immature handling of sex, let's all just fucking grow up!




If you think the word catfucker is funny, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall.

Tell Me What You Read

Today I read Tell Me What You Hear  by Peter Mann.

I wonder if Amazon will ever get pissed at me for hotlinking like every picture in their store...

 (Link)

Description:
"Kate is at the station waiting fro [sic] Mike, her best friend's husband, to arrive. He never does. Instead she receives a phone call she cannot believe; she doesn't want to believe. Will she meet the demands of the caller or will she let her friends down?
From the author of A Shadow in the Flames."

Obviously she gets the call that is like, "I have a British accent and I've kidnapped your friend. Now don't drive below 55 miles per hour or I'll find your wife among these hostages and kill her." But that's fine, I actually figured out this author is British because an American would definitely not be waiting for a train, and he spelled color like coulourue or something.

Plus these action plots are the "in" thing right now, I wouldn't be so quick to say that every plot possible has been- what!? Speed was 20 YEARS AGO!?

That's fine, at least the villain doesn't speak all overly-sophisticated and make cringe-worthy puns. Oh wait. There are all too many lines like this: "'Eight minutes Kate. I hope you are almost there because I can tell you Mike is desperate to speak to his family before he departs this world.' The voice continued with a chuckle, 'One could say he's dying to speak to them.'" Oh god, no, get me out of this story! I'm so scared that I will have to finish reading this!

Actually that's alright, I needed a good laugh today, and it's been YEARS since I was reminded of the terrible puns of Mr. Freeze. 

Peter Mann also needs to be forgiven once you find out the ending to his story, so if you are being quick to judge, then you can just CHILL OUT!

It turns out that when our protagonist, Kate, reaches Mike's wife and hands her the phone she calmly answers it, says a few things, and hangs up. Then she explains that Mike is always up to some practical joke or another.

WAKKA WAKKA!

Seriously though Mike, Kate almost got arrested and then almost died  in a car accident because you couldn't find another way to contact your wife?

Ratings:

Suspense: 1 or 2 out of 5. The tension of this story just didn't add up. There was just a feeling in the back of my head the whole time like, "He isn't in any real danger." Turns out I was right, but in the case that I was wrong and the guy ended up dead or whatever, it still wouldn't have done it for me. I hate to beat a dead horse here, but I really think it was the puns. From when he said, "'You can hear Mike's fine.' There was a child-like chuckle. 'Or should I say confined,'" I basically wanted to throw my computer monitor rather than find out what was happening.

Visceral Sound Effects: 1 out of 5. Now, calm down, I know you can't hear words on a screen, but this story is called Tell Me What You Hear. The villain lets her hear the sound of him lighting a cigarette and supposedly putting it out on Mike's cheek and breaking two of his fingers, but it just misses the mark. Not that those things are pleasant, or that you have to go full Saw to make me feel it. The descriptions are just so short, like, "She heard two popping sounds and some screaming." Come on, Mann, you can do better than that.

Ending: 0 out of 5. At one point the protagonist wonders if she is dreaming and if she'll wake up and have to tell her friends how ridiculous it is that she got so scared because of nothing. I think at that point our author's instincts set in and he decided it would be and always is (no matter what) an awful idea to end a story with "And it was all just a dream." If it's all just a joke, however... NO! That just destroys the whole story. It forgives the author for not writing a believable scenario, because it's just Mike the whole time, but it also makes the story completely fucking pointless. It also ruins the believability of the entire scenario, because if Mike had repeatedly played practical jokes like this, he would have been arrested for causing public panic, or false emergency calls, or something long ago. There are only two possible reasons to make it all a joke: 1) You realize the whole thing seems phony (which it did) or 2) You can't think of an ending.

Overall: 2 out of 5. The story didn't have any glaring mistakes or anything, it just wasn't worth reading because it barely qualified as a story. The only reason it had a beginning, middle, and end was because the end was stuck on there like a dick pic on a politician's text message. BOOM Anthony Wiener SLAM. Cheap. Anyway the point is it just didn't belong, and it made me all too eager to stop reading. You might even say I was dying for the story to be over!

If you want to see the text equivalent of a dick pic, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Vexed

Today I read Next by Bill Bernico. I think this guy just works on the theory that sheer volume will bring success. This is number 75 in this series and they go into the hundreds. You would think that cranking out that many stories about the same detective would reduce the quality....

(Link)

Description:

"Don't you just hate waiting in line for hours for a 60-second ride only to have some bullies cut in line ahead of you? Not much you can do about it, but just once you wish these thugs would get what's coming to them. Elliott and Gloria Cooper encounter two of these bullies at the amusement park. Personally, I just love a happy ending."

So, as you can see this story takes place entirely in a theme park line. But wait, it's interesting, really! He shows off his Sherlock-esque abilities by calculating how many people could get on the ride in the estimated 90 minute wait period in his head! Damn, this guy is like a human. What, you thought I was gonna say something after that, like, "human calculator?" No. I think we all learned to multiply in grade school, right? At least I did, so give me my fucking private investigation license!

But THEN you REALLY see his detective skills when the bullies cut in line and they're all like, "What? You wanna say something?" And the detective's all like, "It's okay, better not make trouble, just let them go." And his lady friend is all like, "No way, you can't cut in line!" and then he's like, "Trust me, I'm a detective, I know that the best way to deal with assholes is to meekly stand aside." So they do.

And then wouldn't you know it, the cutting bastards get on and the ride operator stops the line right at our two protagonists. Just their luck! You'd have to be a detective or something to see that coming!

But then the ride malfunctions and the two assholes crash to the ground. Karma! And then the detective is all, "What? You wanna say something?" Oh SNAP!

Case closed.



Ratings:

Actual Detective Work: 0 out of 5. What the hell? I had my doubts about this story when it was only like six pages long. I was like, "Maybe he solves the mystery really fast?" and then I thought the ride might malfunction and the detective be like, "You see, because of the weight ratio of blah blah I'm super smart," and I was prepared to be like, "What a dick!" But in reality he just didn't stand up for himself and then he mocked someone that got seriously injured. Way to go? Jesus.

Narcissism: 5 out of 5. I kept getting confused about the point of view because every once in a while there would be a "me" or an "I" thrown in randomly. Then I realized this guy wrote the story in first person and then failed to change it all to third person. And this is the 75th time he's done this, so he obviously gets off on being the detective type (oh, AND he sucks at editing). Fine, but in this story the detective tries to impress a lady with mental math and then the guys who he is too scared to stand up to are taken away in ambulances by fate. Obviously Bill just went to a theme park, got mad at the "bullies" who got on the ride in front of him, and took out his revenge the good ol' fashioned nerd way--with his imagination! "*MAGIC MISSILE* DOOOSHH"

Morality: 0 out of 5. First, I have to point out that the two main characters saw the employee entrance and regretted not noticing it before because they could have cut in line themselves. Then, when a guy is taken away in an ambulance with a broken neck they're like, "HAW HAW!" I know I keep harping on that point, and private investigators aren't exactly known for having scruples, but what the fuck is the moral of this story? It should be, "Don't be so harsh on people because their assholery could be a blessing in disguise." Instead it's, "FUCK BULLIES!" YEAH! If you don't believe me, check out where he brags about how much he got those suckers in the description: "Personally, I just love a happy ending." Hahahahaha, yeah, those fucking dicks will probably never walk again after this one!

Overall: 1.5 out of 5. I try to counteract the negativity of my reviews by saying at least one thing I liked about each story. What I liked about this story was




If you would also like to be at a loss for words, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Gaynamics

Come on now, don't label me as a homophobe right away just because of my immature pun. Read the review first, and then label me. Today I read Dynamics by Maria Santicelli. By the way, her story starts with like a ten page rant about how you can't use it or look at it or even get droplets of it on your kindle until you PAY like a MORAL and HARD-WORKING member of society! I hate when authors are only in it for the money, so please go steal her story and use it for firewood or whatever.

(Link)

Here's a little description she wrote up, just for this blog post:

"Army ranger Ty Black muses about the group dynamics of his camp in general and his all male team in particular. It's not easy living the army life, especially in close quarters.

"Dynamics" is the first part of a series that centers around the life and relationships of army ranger Ty Black and his team mates. Nothing runs ever smoothly for any of them, and when inappropriate, unwanted feelings make their existence known, they find it hard to deal with the consequences. Escalation seems inevitable and all they can do is grappling for personal happiness the best way they can. 

Other installments in the series / suggested reading order:"
Oh no you don't! Get that shit out of my eyes, I haven't even read the story yet and you're scheduling what I read next? A little presumptuous don't you think? This lady has it all planned out with the "step 1: write something I think is better than everyone else's step 2: money" shit. Well, Maria, why don't you focus more on the story than the marketing, eh?

That really is her problem. As I've said before, I wish people would write deep shit about our generation's wars. Not because I am interested in war stories, at all, but because I think they are an important part of finding our humanity blah blah. So I thought this was an okay story at first. It explores the homophobia and sexual frustration of an all male platoon as they go on long missions away from civilization. But I was let down when it became apparent it was all to sell more copies. It's pretty apparent from this passage:

"Still, it would be a great relief if the wannabe Italian male model would just get over his women obsessed pride and tell Hadenfeldt what he fucking wanted from him. Even if the colonel didn't feel the same (which Ty doubted) it would clear the air between them and they could all act normally again. Or as normal as life around Army guys could be. For all he cared the Don't Ask Don't Tell could go fuck itself, because when it came to a guy covering his back or saving his life he couldn't care less which way he swung. All that counted was steady aim and a cool head on their shoulders. And that they didn't hit on him because he liked women, thank you very much."

Did mention this is about Don't Ask, Don't Tell!? Now let's be clear there's nothing wrong with this message--except that it is bald-faced pandering. This isn't a story, it's just a Facebook post looking for likes, with the connected bonus that more likes means more ducats. You can even tell it's not genuine shit because of the obvious misunderstanding of human sexuality. "Hey, those guys are really good friends." "You're right. They must be secretly gay! Which I'm okay with, as long as they don't hit on me, because I only like dicks- NO! I MEAN I HATE VAGINAS! NO!!! I MEAN-"

So, unfortunately, that's all there is to this disappointing story.

Ratings:

Despite Not Having a Plot Still Managing to Have an Ending That Sort of Makes You Think: 2.534 out of 5 stars. So basically the whole plot is everyone thinking everyone else is a gay fag, then at the end it's cold so another soldier sleeps next to the main character for warmth and he gets an erection. That would be a sort of cognitive dissonance type ending, if the story had gone a little deeper than "Those fags are totally gay and just need to admit it." Especially with all the sexual abuse issues in the news lately, this story could have SO EASILY been so much more than jumping on the DADT bandwagon. But it wasn't.

Way Too Many Casually Dropped Names: 5 out of 5 hearts. Every line was like "McGalgin said to Johnson and Johnson that Cougar had left Maverick. And Jay thought, 'That's SO them, amirite, reader?'" And you find out later that that whole thing was just referring to two people and their million nicknames. This story is called fucking DYNAMICS for the group dynamics at play here, but we don't know who the fuck the group is because their name is just glossed over with almost no description as if we are intimately familiar with them. How the hell am I supposed to come to understand the intricate group dynamics if they aren't ever explained and the story ends in three pages?? GAH!

Probably Unintentional Accuracy About Soldiers: 4 out of 5 fags. Maybe I am being too critical, but also maybe the author is also more homophobic than she realizes (yes, women can be homophobic too). The characters were pretty spot on with the whole, "Hey, how long has that water been boiling?" "How should I know, what do I look like, a fucking cooking gay faggot!?" I am still back and forth on whether this is a negative stereotype for our armed forces or an important thing we should think about as a society. Probably the answer is you should BUY THE STORY AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO BUY IT RIGHT NOW ONLY ON AMAZON!

Overall: 3 out of 5 horseshoes. Yeah, the more I write the more mixed feelings I have. I don't really know how to explain it, I mean I should hate the story for my audience, but I can't help myself from liking parts of it, but then that makes me feel so... dirty and guilty but also just so... Oh... oh god, I have an erection.



If you would like to have an erection, you'll probably be disappointed when you visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Craps

Ha I'm gonna get so many hits from gamblers for that. This week I read Lamps by Marie Moorman. Okay, let's calm down on the m's there.

(Link)

Here's her description:

"A short story about Mother/Daughter relationships."

That sounds SO interesting. No, no I should keep an open mind. I wouldn't want to be accused of being a sexist now, and the pastel blue cover with the cursive is...contradicting...my expec- Nah I can't do it. This shit was boring.

I'll just give you a summary because it's effortless and it will fill some space. So a lady goes to visit her grandma because her grandma likes her to take pictures of her new lamps, which is, just fucking the most interesting thing I've ever read, and her mom tags along. BUT her mom and the grandma have an ongoing feud. But when they arrive everyone is cool. But the grandpa has cancer. And the mom decides to help them pick the vegetables in their garden, because, you know, the grandpa has cancer. THE END.

Seriously, that's all. Most boring shit ever.

Ratings:

Yes, I'm serious. There isn't any story left to review. Let's do this.

Worst Grammar Possible For a Literate Person That Can Surprisingly Spell Perfectly Fine: 5 out of 5. All I really have to say about this is, like, you know you don't have to put a comma in every time YOU pause while you're WRITING, right? It's for the reader's benefit, not so that you can take a break. Other than that, I will just let her writing speak for itself:

"After they went, out the door Grandpa turns to me and says 'I hope she doesn't yell at Dorothy, she's only trying to help!'" 

And other than the fact that this is the closest the story comes to conflict ("Oh noooo, there may be some yellin'" [there's not any]), can you spot the flaws? Do I have to point out that there is just punctuation laying around here and there and the tense changes with gut-wrenching speed?

Or how about this:

"I walk around the barn, 'How are we doing time wise?' Mom asks. 'Don't worry, finish what you're doing,' I answer. We should have been halfway back to Rochester by now, 'We're almost done!'" 

Like how in the shit do you confuse me so hard as to who the hell is talking even WITH dialogue tags? Baffling.

And Seriously What the Hell is With the Lamps? 5 out of 5. Can you possibly pick a more fucking boring topic? And you use that as your fucking TITLE!? Here's the sort of torture I have to put up with:

"I didn't know oil lamps were made in so many styles and colors. Grandma finds something different, every year. Hobnail glass, this one looks like it has snails crawling on it, that one has grooves to lay your matches in, Some are so clear they are almost invisible, until you fill them with the amber oil that makes their warm glow of light. Others are tinted, transparent, but softly colored, orange or green, like autumn leaves, or pink, like-" Shut up shut UP SHUT UP!! This isn't even a metaphor it's just fucking pointless!

Oh, Shit, You Should Probably Say You Like This Though, Cause Cancer...: 5 out of 5. Not only does the guy have cancer, but her dedications are like, "Hooooly shit, I feel baaad nooow."

"Dan- Who didn't let his disability stop him from achieving his dream.
Chris- Showed us how to live even when it was hard."
And then:
"In Memoriam - My Sons
Daniel Fogg (1980 - 2002)
Christopher Fogg (1978 - 2006)"

Now you feel shitty, don't you, for laughing at all my jokes about this story. What a dick.

Overall:  2 out of 5. Hey, I know it's cold but I'm not going for the pity upgrade. It's a cruel world, and this was seriously a boring as shit story. She sums it up best with another of her million dedications:

"To My Dad- Who bought me my first camera and told me I could do anything."

Yeah, that's right, she's a photographer. Her dream isn't even writing! COME ON!

If you want to read the stories of someone who really does dream of being a writer but falls far, far short of that and every other life goal, visit: amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

My Report About My Insanity Essay

This week I read a "story" by Jilly Jacks (if that's a real name then mine is really Blackhall, come on!) called My Homework About My Pets Essay.

(Link)

Here's a thing that describes why I chose to review this:
"Assigned to write a homework paper on a family pet, a young girl turns-in a moving essay of sadness... and of a not-quite-understood horror."

I had to read that twice because I didn't know what the hell it was talking about. Turns out the story is similar, but much, much worse--like if you wrote random words on a piece of paper then cut it up, then put that in a blender, then dropped it on the floor and left it for your mom to clean up.

At first I felt bad cause I was like, "What if some little girl actually wrote this?" No, it was just a lazy, lazy, horrible, fucking insane person. Spoilers for the end of this review--I'm just going to say it was the worst piece of shit I've ever read. And have you SEEN the shit I've read!?

Alright, I'll try to give you a plot synopsis. A schizophrenic person hallucinates that one day she finds a cat and this becomes a fixation that she repeats over and over until something happens and she stops seeing the delusion. Maybe the daily electric shock worked?

That's about it, except yeah it's supposed to be a little girl, but seriously if this is from the point of view of a little girl, this author either has never met a child or has only met extremely disturbed children. This reads like one of H.P. Lovecraft's characters trying to describe the terror of seeing Cthulhu while on cough syrup and suffering Alzheimer's on top of the normal Cthulhu-induced brand of insanity. Oh, and Cthulhu is a cat.

Here, I'll give you a sample paragraph so you can see:
"Well I don't know where he came from one fall he just came right out over there at my house after school on our front steps right there and came out to see us kids! And he was an orange and black little boy-type kittycat is what he was but he had some grey stripes on him too but mostly he was getting pretty much skinny for a kittycat and if you looked really hard on him right there you could see all those ribs of cats that they have in them sticking out right there on his sides on him right there! And I'm not even making up that part!"

And it gets worse. That was the first paragraph of the story. By the end I was seriously doubting reality. I mean, nobody could have just smeared shit onto a document like this and published it on Amazon, right? My brain is gone and I'm sitting in a nursing home right now imagining that i'm making clever jabs at people on the internet while I'm really muttering about cats to my nursing assistant while she wipes my ass.

I know this was supposed to be all cutesy and gimmicky and shit like when an autistic kid writes a book that is a best seller, but, see, the difference is that the autistic kid really wrote that book himself and had interesting insights, whereas this story was written by a full grown asshole and it comes off as if that asshole thought they could fool us by writing whole paragraphs like, "The cat, the cat, and the cat right there, the cat, he, he right there, he, the cat right there! and then my mom, and then the cat, the cat he did right there, the cat, and then the faces right there were screaming at me through the wall while I was trying to sleep." That's not cute, you're a lazy fucking dick, and I hate you, "Jilly Jacks."


GOD!



Ratings:

Having the Elements of a Story: 1 out of 5. If I really stretch and think about it, wading through the endless bullshit and giving unlimited benefit of the doubt, there is sort of a beginning, middle, and end. But seriously this is comparable to a full grown man purposely drawing like a child and attempting to sell it to me, but with none of the creativity of an actual child. There is almost no dialogue, no real conflict, no characterization, no- fuck, there's nothing. It's SO shitty. Trust me, don't read it.

Funny and Cute: 0 out of 5. I can't reiterate enough how badly this missed the mark. This is like finding a homeless guy and dressing him like a little girl to try to make him adorable. It's seriously disturbing and I'll tell you why:

Ending: 0 out of 5. Suddenly at the end the little girl finds the cat's collar and, well actually I'll just let you read it.
"Found his little red collar with no bells in it either.
Oh yes I did and it wasn't even red anymore it was partly brown like DRIED BLOOD BROWN and it was cut right through not ripped torn it was CUT RIGHT THROUGH like a CUT and I found it right in the trash behind the garage of our house back there."

Uhh what the hell? Suddenly we go full psycho. And those caps are the author's. The little girl just fucking finally lost her mind at the end there, and fuck subtlety, we need CAPITAL LETTERS to substitute for actual plot because up until this last paragraph there WAS NONE.

Overall: 0 out of 5. That's right, z-e-r-o. I already said it, but I'll say it again. This was the worst piece of shit I've ever read. There was nothing creative about it. It was like being fed an entire box of packing peanuts, one by one, without water.



If you want something more on the level of a box of crackers without water, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Eternal Discomforts

I just read Eternal Needs, and boy do I feel weird now. It's by Anne Connery (no relation).

(Link)

Here's a description which will immediately make clear why I decided to read this:

"A lone survivor adapts to a zombie-filled world where the Undead possess hunger of a different sort. 

A short story that's part erotica, part horror and ALL Anne Connery."

As I was reading this description I was all like, "Another zombie story, yaw-WAIT, erotica? Someone really wrote this and it's not a joke? Let's do this!"

But on a side note, Amazon keeps suggesting erotica to me ever since I did that review of the sexy cowboy story, which makes me sort of uncomfortable. I want to like write them a letter like, "Hey, I just got that one story so I could make some jokes. And the zombie one too, same reason. And the lactation erotica. And the animal one. Okay, the three animal ones. But seriously stop suggesting- what's this? Mermaids? Okay, this is the last one though, only because I think it will be funny. Seriously."

But if you want some more where that came from, the author of this story is also the creator of The Erotic Shakespeare: The Tragedy of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. But I mean, check out her picture:

I know, right? It's like, "Now THAT is a lady that likes, you know, cats and stuff." And apparently Shakespeare and zombie erotica. I am VERY surprised this lady hasn't written a vampire one yet.

Alright let's get to it. This story immediately had me guessing because the first line is, "Even the LAST MAN ON EARTH has needs." Caps included, each and every time she uses the phrase LAST MAN ON EARTH. Haha what the hell? Now I'm stuck in this weird limbo between funny, sexy, and...horror?

She does an alright job though, I pretty much immediately forgot a woman was writing it because she does a good job writing for men. It's just a little weird how apologetic the main character is.

If you hadn't already guessed, he has sex with zombies. But of course these are cleaned up zombies that don't decay and have some body heat and are super not dangerous. So he goes and catches zombies with a collar and epoxies their mouths shut and rapes has sensual sex with them.

But it's super not sexist in any way, she really wants you to know, because he feels super guilty (and super turned on) by the whole thing. Actually when she keeps pointing it out it really calls attention to it and makes you wonder what kind of person this story is written for.

Like, what's the message, or the fetish, or whatever you want to call it here? Because she is obviously really conscious of misogyny and keeps mentioning it. The main character also carefully showers the girls and houses them and painstakingly finds clothes for them and applies their makeup.

And she wants us to know that he really likes talking to girls, it's just a necessity that these ones can't talk so that he can force seduce them into consensual sex. But while I'm reading about all these ways he makes up for his seemingly weird fetish that he would totally not participate in if there were any real live girls left, I'm like, "Wait a minute, I thought she said this was erotic? Maybe she won't put any actual sex in and I won't have to do an awkward blog post today."

But it gets very much fucking awkward, dear reader, because he does have sex with them, and they like it because of zombie instincts or something, and when they have an orgasm their eyes clear up and they are brought back to a life long enough to respond to him saying, "If you can hear me, nod!"

And if you used this story for its intended purpose during that part, you have some explaining to do to your now totally messed up moral compass. Enjoy!

Ratings:
Making You Question Your Entire Belief System: 5 out of 5. I am not convinced this is a bad story. It might actually be a fucking great story, because obviously this lady wrote this due to the fact that it's a fetish. She was fully conscious of that, but made the narrator reluctant and guilty about treating dead people like this and making it clear that his drives made him do it. But the reader willingly reads this story, presumably to get off. So what does that say about the morals of someone turned on by it? She is literally shaming you while you jack off. (And personally that pushed me over the top.)

Sexiness: 2 out of 5. Seriously though, this story had very little of the erotic or the zombie categories that are supposed to make this "zombie erotica." But again, that phrase is intended for humor. I was actually very much reminded of people that are obsessed with real dolls when I read this. The guy loves to dress up near inanimate girls and do their makeup. There is most definitely a niche for people that think that's sexy, but it's almost certainly a larger group than even those interested in Shakespeare erotica.

Ending: What_the_fuck out of 5. So if the story didn't cause a huge enough cognitive dissonance, the guy hears at the end that there is a camp of survivors three days walk away. Yes, as you might expect he looks at his padded rooms filled with pet zombie girls and realizes that he has been fucking zombies this whole time and getting off on the flashes where they come back to life mid coitus with a stranger. He realizes this, and he is sad that he has to leave. He goes to the store to get Viagra, vibrators, and Gatorade for a three day zombie sex marathon because he feels sorry for them, and no I'm not making this up. Just imagine for a sec nearly dying of exhaustion having sex with zombies, and then rocking up to a survivor colony. What the hell!?


Overall: 2 out of 5. I'm too confused about what the goal of this story even was to give it more than two points. But if her goal was to try to turn peoples' worlds upside down, to destroy my conception of reality, I would say it gets a 5.


If you want to read some guilt free zombierotica, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall