Crap Collection: Mysterious Waste

This week is another installment in the Cooper Collection. You know, the brilliant PI that laughed at some jerk bullies when they were crippled in a horrible accident? By Bill Bernico? No? Well anyway, this time I checked out number 104: Mysterious Ways.

(Link)

Description:

"Elliott is served with a subpoena to appear in court as a witness to a murder trial. Justice does not always prevail but in the process Elliott is kidnapped, threatened and told to keep his mouth shut. Meanwhile, Gloria has a surprise for Elliott. It's true, life works in Mysterious Ways. "

I was so happy with the first story, I just had to see if it was a fluke. The description is sort of promising, implying something his wife does will crack the case all Encyclopedia Brown style. But no, the first story wasn't a fluke. This one is shit too!

So amazingly some random guy serves Cooper (now in first person, got that fixed) a subpoena (annoying word to spell but I got it on the first try!) while he is just standing on the street. These subpoena guys are getting fucking good! Then Cooper goes up and shows his wife and goes back onto the street and is immediately kidnapped. Fuck the subpoena guy, these kidnappers are like fucking psychic!

Anyway yadda yadda he gets back to his office and his cop friend is there so they immediately take a drive to try to get Cooper to remember where the place was even though he had a hood on the whole time. Guess what, fuck the kidnappers, because Cooper remembers exactly where it is like a goddamn magician. But there's nobody there.

So he goes to court, they can't use his evidence, then he takes a stop back home where the two lackey kidnappers are hanging around without their boss and beats the shit out of them. Well, in the end (and I am seriously skipping a lot of bullshit to get to the end (you're welcome)) this story proves to be pointless because he testifies in court but the murderer gets off anyway. At least everything is okay now because they beat up some random guys.

BUT life works in oh so mysterious ways because his wife reveals over many, MANY pages that she is.... pregnant.

CASE CLOSED

Wait, won't the kidnappers' boss come back to kill his whole fam-

I SAID CASE CLOSED

Ratings:

Research: 0 out of 5. I can stretch my mind to pretend some of this stuff could happen but it just doesn't feel realistic at all. For instance, when he gets the subpoena it says "SUBPOENA" in "big fancy letters" at the top of the page. No it doesn't. Google image search that shit for like half a second. Then, in court the defender kept saying, "OBJECTION! HEARSAY!" for goddamn everything. And he was saying it when Cooper was like, "Mr. Jigglums hired me to-" "HEARSAY!" "Sustained." Now, I'm no big city lawyer, but I do have a computer with Wikipedia and that isn't hearsay according to thirty seconds worth of research. Seriously, if everything a witness says is just hearsay because you're defining it as "We are hearing him say it right now," why the hell even have witnesses?

Dialogue Tags: 0 out of 5. This happened in the last story too, but I let it slide. This time, it really got on my nerves. Literally the only dialogue tag this guy knows is "he said." It is a really versatile tag, but it has it's limits. Examples:

"Have you seen my purse?" he said.

"NO, MY AYUSSSSSSS!!" he said.

"What!?" he said. "Don't you," he said. "know I can't" he said. "be out past eight?" he said.

He glanced around. There were a lot of people in the line. "Don't let anyone know I have infectious sores all over my body," he said.

Some of those examples are subtle and you might skip over them, but trust me, after a million they really start to sap the flavor from a story.

Actual Detective Work: 0 out of 5. Yep. Cooper did it again. And by "it" I mean nothing, not even his job. Even the evidence he presented in court was useless because his client literally died before he did any detective work whatsoever. Yes, I will grant you that he amazingly remembered where he was kidnapped to, but what came of that? Nothing. Even when his wife takes a pregnancy test and says, "Positive," he asks, "You mean you're positive that you're not pregnant?" All he's really good for is using a gun to disarm someone and then treat them roughly. Or, just laugh at people that are horribly injured, like the last story.

Overall: 2 out of 5. Why 2? I don't know. He doesn't deserve it. He's the worst detective ever. I mean, he came to the conclusion that his family was going to be okay because he simply forgot there was a third kidnapper. Good work, detective.

If you would also like to forget people and, frankly, huge chunks of time, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Ironic Romance

This week I read Internet Romance by Terry Atkinson.

(Link)

Description:

"Sweet Romance with an unexpected ending."

Look at that. Why use a thousand words to describe a two thousand word story? Nice. And get ready for this, because you're not going to believe it. I read this story, and I was all like:

UNCORK THE CHAMPAGNE, I DIDN'T HAVE TO READ COMPLETE SHIT THIS TIME!

So this story is about a self-described spinster, Julia, who one day thinks about her friend who got swept off her feet by Mr. Right and taken away to live a fairy tale life in New York.

Wait, New York is your fantasy? Why in the hell- ohhh you're from South Africa, okay.

Anyway, she thinks about her friend and the awesome life she must have now and decides to get online and find an international man to satisfy her loneliness. She comes back to check her email like two seconds later and BAM! A man from the U.S. wants to meet her. She goes to meet him and they start getting all sexual and then he whips out-



The same line he used on her friend years before. IRONIIIIC!


Ratings:

Making Me Realize I'm Obsessive Compulsive: 5 out of 5. Did you know people outside the U.S. sometimes put quotation marks inside punctuation, and it's totally legit to them? Like this: You might say she gave me a "boner". Since "boner" is the thing being quoted and not the whole sentence, British English is all like, "Let's annoy the fuck out of those U.S. dicks." Other than wanting to physically poke those periods back in, I found myself correcting her English all over the place and making corrections like, "Cross that out, you already said that." If everyone could just be polite and use American English without any errors from now on, I would really appreciate it. Otherwise, I will find you and kill you for being an inconsiderate asshole.

Predictability: 5 out of 5. Or maybe I'm just the kid from X-Files. There was a kid that could tell the future on that show, right? Probably. Anyway, as soon as she was thinking about her friend and how they had lost touch I was like, "Obviously she's going to fall in love with the same guy." And guess what, she did. Next time, be kind enough to hide your plot from my genius. It's grotesque to have your plot all hanging out.

Ending That Was ALMOST Perfect: 5 out of 5. So CLOSE. The ending is like this: "He grasped her little pinkie finger and kissed it, and murmured. 'If everything else is as sweet at this little finger, I'm the luckiest man in the world.'" STOP THERE! That's perfect! Suddenly the line you were so jealous was the romantic fantasy every girl wants has taken on a shade of tacky cliche and represents everything that's wrong with the "Happily Ever After" dream. This story is the best commentary of love it can ever b-

"She whispered to him....The 'K' in 'KC' - does that stand for 'Ken'?" NOOOOOOoooo. We KNOW what it stands for, you don't have to treat us like dumbasses! WE GET THE STORY AND IF WE DIDN'T WE COULD JUST TAKE FIVE SECONDS TO READ IT AGAIN! Dammit. Plus your last line totally fucked with grammar in a way that just shattered the whole illusion. LEARN HOW TO USE QUOTE MARKS BRITI- I MEAN SOUTH AFRICAN PEOPLE.

Overall: 4 out of 5. This is the best story I've ever read. And then given a review to on this blog. I've read much better things outside of here. Just sayin'.

If you would like to read another story worthy of this blog, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall

Just Write the Story

This week I read Just Call 911 by Alice Gordon.

(Link)

Description:
"Gabriel and I were watching television. We heard a loud noise but continued to watch. The show was a good one “The Walking Dead.” 

We had just gotten up to the part where Sarah was about to be bitten. It was hard to watch and hard to turn away. It was the third time my mother had called. 
“Will you take out the trash?” she said. 
I shouted “Wait till the advertisements.” 
When they finally came I asked Gabriel to go out with me. The garbage cans were full. The night began to storm............. "

Well there's your first problem. The Walking Dead is not a very good show. Unless it got better since I stopped watching it. Which would mean it somehow got less like a soap opera where people in bad makeup get killed once in a while as a respite from the terrifying dialogue. But maybe I just like zombie stuff too much. Damn fanboys.

Anyways, this story was more like the outline of a story than an actual story. It was seriously like, "I went outside and then a guy tried to kidnap me and I got away and then I got caught but I killed the farmer and then the cops didn't believe me and I killed everyone else but all my friends were dead. The end." Seems like I've been reading a lot of these types of stories lately. Maybe Amazon has just profiled me as liking really shitty things. "Maybe you would be interested in the Bloody Mary Ass Spike Butt Plug Plus (now with more spikes)." How did they know?

Alright seriously though, let's get down to the elements of horror, because this is really becoming an epidemic of these fucking indy authors.

1) Suspense- Yeah, I know it's not a mystery novel, but you should still have a healthy dose of suspense for it to be scary. Here's a quick test: When your character has a problem, does it get solved in the very same fucking sentence, over and over again? If you answered yes, please stop writing. Just throw your computer in the trash.

2) The Unknown- If your character goes the cliche route and hitches a ride, does the old farmer immediately say "I'm a cannibal murderer," in a matter-of-fact way? I'm looking at you, Alice Gordon. You should let some mysteries creep up on people. That's why they call it creepy. 

Blew your mind there, eh?

3) Describing Shit- Do you not describe anything ever? STOP NOT DOING THAT. This is actually a good tip for writing a fucking story in general!

Okay now I'm just pissed off.

Ratings:

What the Fuck Just Happened? 5 out of 5. This story didn't give me a chance to be scared. Holy shit I am totally just repeating myself. At least write something that will make an original review! I think I've insulted the hell out of like 5 authors for this exact same thing. Flash fiction is fine, but not when you have more plot points than sentences. First she takes out the trash (fine), then a homeless guy grabs her, she can't get away, then she gets away, then she falls, then two guys are going into her house, then she flags down a truck, then the truck driver says he is working with the two guys who are is sons(Where does the homeless guy come in though?), then he takes her to a rapey farm house and says he's gonna eat her, then she kills the farmer, then she waves down some cops, then the cops find nothing, then she finds her parents dead, then she goes and kills the sons, then she calls the cops with a smartass remark. 

The description that I just wrote down is longer than the fucking story and has more detail.

Visceral Descriptions: 0 out of 5. A lot of sick shit happens, including dicks getting cut off, but none of it even has time to pass through my retinas before it is over. Here's an example:

"When we got to the room he came at me with the knife. I was terrified. [REALLY!? 'I was terrified.' That's the best you can fucking do!?] My hand [sic] were tied and my mouth had duct tape on it [and we just find this out now?] but I swung my body at the meat hook [THE meat hook. You know, the one that is just there]. It hit the farmer and tore up his chest [Physics? And the guy makes not a peep?]. I swung again and the hook fastened into his flesh with his guts spewing onto the floor [Again, physics?].

I ran out of the house.

A police car was passing [Oh, how convenient]..."

All my comments probably increased the amount of action just by making the fucking paragraph longer, which is really the least you could do.

Ending: 0 out of 5. So in the end she calls the asshole cops who think she was pranking them (by the way, great fucking work guys) and says sarcastically, "You were right, cancel that last call." Yes... except now there are like seven people dead and you told the cops not to come after all. I'm not a lawyer, but isn't that, like... a crime? I guess killing the two brothers who you never actually saw kill anyone and who did not attack you is also vigilantism at the very least. But anyways, then she finds the old guy dead who at the beginning of the story I thought was her boyfriend. So really the moral is FUCKING DESCRIBE HIM OR ANY PART OF YOUR STORY OR ANYTHING EVER NEXT TIME.

Overall: 0.5 out of 5. This sucked. It was so bad. I was terrified.

Unless you want me to yell some more, visit amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall 

Please Sue Author

This week I read Please See Attendant by Yvie Towers. I thought I had a good one this week. Sigh.

(Link)

Description:

"What happens when a gas station is a little too convenient? It's one-stop shopping gone wrong in this humorous short."

Wait, humorous!? I totally missed the point. You know when someone is all like, "I had the WERST day today omigah!" and you're like, "Fuck. Quick, brain, think of an excuse to get out of here!" Yeah this story was like that, except fictional. So, totally fucking pointless. Maybe if I had read the description before I would have found it funny or something, like when a laugh track tells you when to laugh, but probably not. Actually no, just not.

Like I said, I thought it was gonna be good. The story has all these stars on Amazon and the descriptions really stuck in my head. Like when the gas station attendant lifts her arm and he sees a ball of deodorant clinging to the hairs there, it definitely added some flavor. This author is not bad at writing, by any means.

So why the hell is that talent wasted on this plot!? Usually I summarize the story, but all I got is a guy goes to a gas station and has to wait a long time, then he forgets to fill up his car, he leaves his coffee on the hood as he drives away trying to avoid the creepy attendant, the elevator breaks at work, and when his car runs out of gas that night he has to walk home. I feel like this author was like, "I should write something like Seinfeld. Yes, I'll be famous!" and then immediately missed the point.

So it's humor, and a series of bad things happens. Then I guess it's supposed to be like The Three Stooges? I think that sort of falls through for a couple reasons. The first being that this isn't the 1950s. Second, nothing physically bad happens to him, just a series of inconveniences that had me rolling my eyes: "Gawd, my coffee spilled on my car-ah!" Finally, I am looking at a bunch of text, so there are no moments where I'm really like, "Bahahaha! He stepped on the rake AGAIN!" But that is an idea. If you're gonna just write down your day that was soooo bad and just add lies, you might as well tell me you stepped on a rake and it hit you in the face, because I just don't give a shit how much of a douche Randy at work is.

Ratings:

First World Problems: 5 out of 5. I think I've used this category before and it is cliched, but it's really the best way to describe what's wrong with this story. I don't want to be an elitist or anything, but it's pretty well established by anyone that has ever sold a copy of anything that short stories are supposed to be about the human condition and shit, not about you getting pissed cause your order was screwed up and there's mayo on your sandwich (actually from the story). ...Actually, this may be the most useful thing about this story, because I seriously need to reconsider my Facebook status updates now.

"My cat sneezed! So cute! But I hope he's okay! :("

Funny: You can probably guess already out of 5. My mind is just blown that I was supposed to find this funny. I mean, someone complaining about a series of things that I have nothing to do with cannot possibly be- wait...

No, yeah, that shit isn't funny. I don't know what the author was expecting me to laugh at. "OH! He dropped his coffee cake between the seat and the door! CLASSIC! WAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Irony: 2 out of 5. So the whole punchline is that he pays for his gas and forgets to pump it then later that night he walks with his gas can to a station and there are signs saying, "Out of gas." Yes, that is ironic, but not in a clever way. You have to have like at least one level of removal for it to be funny, which is why I mentioned Seinfeld before. Like if he got mad at Randy because his sandwich had mayo and threw it at his face, then Randy got mad and filled his gas can with mayonnaise, then when he got to the gas station the lady got offended because she loves mayonnaise but thinks Randy, her boyfriend, ordered her sandwich with no mayo because of her weight, and then the dude suddenly stepped on a RAKE--then THAT'S a story. Mostly because of the rake gag. Seriously, we should bring that back.

Overall: 2.5 out of 5. Again, this author was good at putting sentences together, but there was no actual purpose to those sentences.

If you want to read some stories that totally make good use of the rake thing, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall