(Link)
Description:
"Our dogs lead secret lives while we're at work. At three months old, Clem faces his first day of Kaxian duty with anxiety. What will his assignment be? His tail has a mind of its own, which doesn't help matters any. This is a short story 10 paperback pages long."
If you think this looks like the text version of a lame children's movie where the dogs' mouths are animated and the only enjoyment is fart jokes, you are right. Except there are no fart jokes, and I thought I would never say this, but that means there is no reason to read this.
Yes, it is for kids, but in her introduction she says she included a sample chapter of the novel series (yes, there is a series of novels about dog aliens, and the world would be a dark place without it) so that adults could see that they can enjoy it too. Well, to be fair, I didn't read the sample chapter so I can't pass judgement, but I'm just going to assume it sucks and I wouldn't enjoy it.
So anyway, Clem's dad gives him advice for his first day on Kaxian duty (the story never really explains what the fuck that entails, just aliens something something) and he is on his way. But on the road he has several wacky encounters with cats and rival alien chihuahuas! ROFL! All of which end in Clem remembering his dad told him to ignore that shit and get to work.
Finally he arrives there, he meets some friends, and the bosses inform him he will be a miner. When he and his friends show their disappointment (through their ADORABLE tails! PUPPIEEEES YAAAAY!) one of the bosses tells them they were too busy dicking around (ADORABLY! PUUUUUPPPIIIIIIEEEEEESSSSSS) which made them late so they have to be miners instead of receiving the coveted defender position.
At the end of the day Clem tells his friends goodbye and is sad to see them go, reflecting that all in all the first day of Kaxian duty was pretty sweet. Wait, what? But nothing really happened? What was so sweet about it?
Ratings:
Adorable Tail Wags: 5 out of 5. The most used phrase of this story was "my tail went under my belly and started wagging nervously." Seriously I think it was in there at least 82 times. That was actually most of the text in the story. But can there really be too much adorable puppy tail wagging? Yes. Yes there can.
Consistent Voice: 0 out of 5. This puppy talks a lot about how he hates being a stupid puppy that can't control his body and doesn't know anything, but then turns around and starts using ten-dollar words. Example:
"Third on my list of things to hate about being a puppy is the short attention span. Clarity of purpose is not my strong point, but we'll get to that in a minute."
See how it's not really consistent that he uses phrases like "clarity of purpose" when- Oh my god his tail went under his belly! So CUTE!
Conflict: 1 out of 5. Okay, there was conflict in a way, like there was an asshole cat and stuff but there wasn't really a sense of urgency impressed on the reader to let us know why chasing a cat will get him in trouble. It was mentioned, but the distractions read more like, "OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE PUPPY!" Then at the end Clem is just sort of screwed into being a child miner. That's pretty fucking bleak for a children's story, and then it just basically ends there.
"Well, you were late twice. Report for sex-slave duty. No excuses."
Overall: 2 out of 5. I rated it higher just because it's for children, but I think I might be insulting children. Children's books aren't just written by lazy assholes that can't write a real story, you know? Kids are actually smart and curious and it takes more than fucking puppies to keep their attention--well, I mean writing about puppies, because a real live one is fucking awesome fun for the whole family. And just so you don't think I'm a cynical asshole let me tell you that I loved the shit out of Hank The Cowdog when I was younger. What set it apart was real conflict, clever humor, and making a dog think he's important when at the end of the day he is just a dog. It takes talent, even to write for those so-called idiots we call children, you patronizing asshole.
If you want to read my Hank The Cowdog fanfiction erotica, go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall
