Monday, November 4, 2013

Toy Planets

This week I read Toy Planets by James Bishop.
(Link)

Description:
"Latome’s universe is stagnant and without direction. When peer pressure forces Latome to intervene in his universe, the results are not as expected."

Alright so basically this kid has a toy universe that he made. If you guessed it is our universe, you win...nothing because that was obviously where this was going. But that's not a big deal, it's apparent from the start that he created Earth's universe. His brother always gives him shit though, because his most active galaxy is Earth's and there are only two planets inhabited there.

Latome's (that's the kid's name) dad is also really ashamed of him because of how shitty his universe is. It's a little weird, because he just decides to go to the craft store and buy a new planet with an alien race and put it in the universe next to Earth so they'll fight, then everyone stops being mean to him. So this kid was a loser because he didn't go to the store that whole time? Seems like a pretty shitty society. His father seriously disowned him and pretended not to hear his name whenever he was mentioned because he wouldn't buy more aliens to put in his terrarium.

Anyway before he does that though he tries to help the humans by giving them knowledge. They do expand, but Latome's brother says he really won't get anywhere unless he starts a war (which, I already told you but you weren't fucking listening, he does).

The humans get screwed in the war and Latome feels bad. He decides to input the command to eradicate the planet and put the creatures out of their misery.

But it's a bait-and-switch! He actually killed the violent aliens then shrunk himself down and went to Earth and lived out the rest of his life as their savior.


And THAT... is the story of Christmas.

Ratings:

Page Turner: 3 out of 5. This story actually wasn't bad in that it made me want to see what happened. Part of it was that it was about my own planet, and I wanted to find out if the humans made it or not. Part of it was the originality. But to counter that, part of it was my arrogant ass wanting to see how right I was about my predictions. The only thing is, if it keeps you reading, there better be a damn good payoff or I'm going to feel all empty like when I wake up with way too many Mardi Gras beads and my sheets definitely smell like an animal, but there's nobody there but me and all I can remember is flashes of me screaming "DONKEY! DONKEY!" as people shove shots in my direction.

Explanations: 0 out of 5. Unfortunately, this story left more questions than it did answers. Where the hell did the creator people come from? Why are they so obsessed with the way their kids play with toys? What do they even look like? Seriously why the hell do they care so much about their pet aliens, it's like the entire fucking crux of the story and it has no explanation! And finally, why are their toys so important!? Okay, just that, just answer that question please, I don't actually care about the other stuff.

Ending: 2 out of 5. There was a twist, but I almost missed it and thought I had read wrong. But yeah, you remember when I said if it makes me turn the pages there better be a good payoff? Well, that payoff definitely isn't the nerdiest kid around who everyone hates coming to chill on Earth so he can be cool. Okay, first of all, you basically destroyed the whole fucking planet you dick. Second, I was interested in this story because I wanted to see if the humans could make it despite being at a huge disadvantage against an aggressive alien race which you bought at a store specifically to fuck them up. It would have been totally badass if they pulled it off  and you could tell your friends and father to suck it 'cause the boring little race overcame everyone's expectations, but instead the shitty loser kid comes to teach people all the knowledge they lost because of his own dickish actions. Plus, that whole thing is not original, it is literally one of the oldest stories around. Give us something new, and by new I mean not a messiah.

Overall: 4 out of 5. This is one of the best stories I've reviewed, despite my harping on it. I disagree with the ending, but hey it's not my story. I sort of spoiled it for you as I do, but I will actually say for like the first time ever if you feel like it you could read this story and you won't have wasted (that much) time.




If you have a lot of time to waste, don't read it and instead go to amazon.com/author/a.c.blackhall